If there was a way to track trending topics every Monday morning at work, “I’m never drinking again” would be up there next to “diet starts tomorrow” for most popular phrases uttered. If you’re not walking into work with a two-day hangover, you’re one of the following:
1. A responsible adult.
2. A dweeb.
3. Still drunk from drinking all Sunday.
I’m not saying you should make it standard practice to be a hungover mess every weekend, but I’m also not saying I’m going to judge you for doing so. But whatever you do, do not trust The New York Times when it comes to hangover cures, as evidenced by today’s column, New York Today: How to Ease a Hangover. It’s flatout incorrect and irresponsible which is why I, the world’s authority on hangovers and Sunday Scaries, have taken it upon myself to give you the actual cures for the symptoms you’re wearing like a badge of honor.
Feeling shaky, dizzy or weak? Your blood sugar could be low, said Kelly Hogan, clinical nutrition and wellness manager at the Dubin Breast Center at Mount Sinai. Eat an easily digestible simple carbohydrate, like a plain bagel, toast or oatmeal. “In layman’s terms, we say these foods sop up the alcohol, but what they’re really doing is raising our blood sugar,” she said. Fruit, juice or smoothies are also great options.
Yeah, totally eat a plain bagel, toast or oatmeal. That is, if you want to choke on it and die in front of a Netflix screen asking if you’re still watching Friends. I’m no doctor, but I’m nearly positive that by the time you’re choking down a plain Einstein, that alcohol has already done the damage and therefore can no longer be “sopped up.”
Actual Cure: Oh, your blood sugar is low? Mimosa. Champagne and orange juice has enough sugar to clean that mess right up. And if you get the “extra pulp” orange juice from the market, that’s essentially lunch.
Upset stomach? “Alcohol can irritate the stomach and also cause your stomach to empty more slowly, which can lead to nausea, vomiting and heart burn,” Ms. Hogan said. We crave greasy food when we’re hung over, she added, but what our bodies really want is salt because we’re dehydrated. Fatty food can slow digestion and make you feel worse. Instead of a bacon, egg and cheese, try a salt bagel with an egg. Swap cream cheese for jam (a simple sugar) on your bagel.
It’s like The New York Times is trying to kill you. While, yeah, I like bagels more than your average bagel-lover, by no means should you just run to the store and expect a fucking salt bagel to cure the damage your Tito’s and Topos did the night before.
Actual Cure: Walk into a convenience store. Buy the biggest Riptide Rush Gatorade they have. Snag some Alka Seltzer and an Emergen-C. Mix all that shit up and let it dissolve. Step outside of the convenience store and chug it as fast as humanly possible without throwing it up. Wait 10 minutes. Boom – upset stomach cured. Or, if you want to get drunk instead, order a bloody mary with a raw egg in it. Extra spicy. Tell ’em I sent you.
Headache? The cause is dilated blood vessels from the alcohol, said Lisa Sasson, a clinical professor of nutrition at N.Y.U. Steinhardt. Fluids with potassium (coconut water) or electrolytes (energy drinks) can help.
Coconut water doesn’t cure headaches – it forces you to set up shop in a restaurant stall for the foreseeable future while the rest of your friends lather booze back in. And the only time you’re supposed to drink an energy drink is when there aren’t any other mixers around so you make a Red Bull-vodka or a bootleg Four Loko with some Monster.
Actual Cure: See above but include at least four Tylenol or Advil. Yeah, a doctor will tell you that it could possibly cause liver failure or something, but you already risked that by mainlining cocktails into your system the night before. Rub some dirt on it and get back out there.
All of the above? Despite what you might have heard, drinking more alcohol won’t help in the long run, Ms. Sasson said. Ms. Sasson recommends ginger tea, which can help with the nausea as well. “But there’s not a magic drink,” she said. “The best cure is just to sip on good old water.”
Ginger tea? Water? What is this, a Gwyneth Paltrow-style yoga retreat?
Actual Cure: Drink just enough alcohol that your body feels normal again. Ween yourself off of it until it’s Friday and you feel phenomenal only to go out and destruct your body all over again just like you said you wouldn’t do on Monday when you woke up feeling like hell. Wash, rinse, and repeat until you’re in your thirties and finally have to get your life together.
Or take a Xanax. That works too. .