As the weather warms, the snow melts away, and we peel ourselves out of our beds and off of our couches, it comes, without fail, each and every year – wedding season. It is a time of love and a time of celebration, a time of suits, crisp wheat beers, white wine on ice, and the vanishing of half of your precious PTO. It’s truly a great time of year, but everyone knows that what we look forward to the most at the dawning of wedding season are the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Unless you are me and your friends are assholes. Because I just got invited to a bachelor party that involves running a 10k.
Excerpts of the invite are below.
If you know redacted, you know that two of the biggest influences in his life have been running and undisclosed location. What better way to honor the groom the week before his big day than by strapping on your Pumas and going for a jog around the town where our boy became the man you now know and love? We’re going to be running the Black Bear 10K / Half Marathon.
I initially thought it was a joke when I got the email. But instead of instantly trashing the invite, I decided to read more of this enticing offer before I decided to write our friendship off for good.
All the info you need on the race can be found here: redacted. Price goes up March 31, so don’t dally.
Okay, this is not a joke, that’s fine. But there is no way that everyone is actually expected to participate in this nonsense, right? I could probably just get away with walking it.
Speaking of no excuse not to participate, for those who feel like this bachelor party just came with a homework assignment, you have PLENTY of time to train. You can go from couch to half marathon in 60 days with minimal effort, and a 10K is even easier. If you need help with training or nutrition, just reach out.
But there will be booze right? Please tell me there will at least be booze. It’s not a bachelor party without booze.
After-party to follow the race at one of the local watering holes.
Thank God. But this is still fucked. A couple of things I’d like to discuss here.
I have done bachelor parties before. They haven’t strictly been composed of strip clubs and gambling. You can get away with other manly things like blowing through 3000 rounds of assorted ammo at a cabin in the woods somewhere as I have done. However, what I have noticed as a common factor in the bachelor party is a copious amount of alcohol and/or other extra-curricular substances. And any seasoned drinker knows that booze dehydrates you. This whole shindig has “disaster” written all over it.
Hangovers are crippling by themselves nowadays. No one needs any help making them worse, especially at a bachelor party. Unfortunately for all of the victims, everyone is going to run around for a solid hour, sweat out everything they have in their system, and then double down on the dehydration by sucking down dozens of liquor drinks. I personally, cannot wait to wake up in the middle of the night with double charlie horses in both of my calves and a splitting headache and nausea. Sounds like a great time. The only way to combat this hell would be to slug a gallon of water immediately following the race but then I will be full with no room for beer, and it will take a lot more to get drunk. And that is just not going to happen, I’ll say that much right now.
Set aside the fact that the event itself could very well turn out to be utterly miserable, I’m extremely out of shape. The road life and living out of a hotel does not suit well for keeping in shape and general health and well-being. I’ve been on the road for work for the better part of 8 months, so currently, I am pretty much a sack of shit who’s most certainly not eating the healthiest. So in order to do this “bachelor” party, I’m going to have to put in serious training time. Can we wrap our heads around that for a second, folks? I’ve got to physically train for a bachelor party. I don’t need to work on my tolerance for a weekend in Vegas. I need to hop on a treadmill and get my ass in shape. What the actual fuck. Can’t we just settle for a beer mile?
I thought bachelor parties were the antithesis of health and wellness. They are supposed to be your last hurrah, getting shitty and careless one last time with your buddies. And at the risk of sounding totally selfish, everyone is supposed to have fun at bachelor parties. Everyone knows that running isn’t fun. If you’re going to make me run 6.4 miles for your bachelor party, I hope you make Uncle Bob and Aunt Betty do Crossfit at the reception because this is bullshit. .
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