People keep saying that they gave up on alcohol, and it resulted in a spike in their happiness. If I’m being honest, they’re probably right. If I’m in denial, they’re all liars and are not to be trusted. I’d like to cling to my degeneracy for as long as possible, and that includes my drinking habits. Our dear friend Dory taught us that when you just keep swimming, life goes on. I take that as Pixar’s way of telling me to continue to live my life the way I am and shit will eventually work out, or something. Which means, fam, we get to just keep drinking. Why?
1. Because it’s not time to let it go.
If you’re in your twenties and you don’t have your shit together, welcome to the club. I can name approximately one person who has their shit together at our age, and her name is Taylor Swift. Don’t stop drinking because you aren’t Taylor Swift. You should be drinking more because you aren’t Taylor Swift. You need to destroy those self-destructive thoughts regarding your bank account and career path with the toxins conveniently located in liquor. What is better than having a drink to calm yourself down? If this becomes a regular occurrence, that’s not the worst thing. You probably deal with a variety of hangovers, making you a versatile and strong human being. Do you know how awesome you are going to be at life when it is time for you to cut back on drinking? With a clear mind and a bruise-less body, you’ll be unstoppable. But the time to stop isn’t now, because you need practice while your body can handle it. Also, with age comes a better taste palette. Gone are the days when you had to drink vodka-crans to get drunk because you thought vodka tasted like soap. You can sip that Ketel martini with a twist, or whiskey on the rocks, and actually enjoy it, you champion, you.
2. Because a lot of things are bad for you.
According to “doctors” who aren’t Steve Brule, alcohol is bad for you. So is that hot dog you ate over the weekend, anything containing soy, and the amount of hours a day you stare at a screen. Everything is bad for you, which is why I’ve changed my life motto from YOLO to GoDoS: “Gotta Die of Something.” I’m working on the acronym. Should that make you stop living your fun and fancy life? No. If you’re worried about calories, the solution is a vodka-soda. If you’re worried about drunk eating, I’m thinking maybe you just need to set your drunk eating standards a little higher. You might wake up in the morning and regretfully think, ”Damn, I ate a whole box of unfrosted strawberry pop tarts last night,” and you’d be correct in thinking that. You fucked up, son. Maybe you should’ve had a slice of Artichoke’s pizza or had some El Rancho nachos. Maybe you should’ve gotten creative and made that pizza-roll-mac-n-cheese-pizza you’ve always wanted. What you put in your face is not up to me, but you need to choose wisely. You might wake up with a stomachache, but you won’t wake up with regret.
3. Because drunk exercise is super fun.
Have we forgotten entirely about drunk dancing? That totally counts as exercise. I’m a super fan of getting drunk and dancing your face off. Pop a molly and sweat, my friend. Get twisted and burn those calories. What about getting lost on your walk home? Good news, you walked five extra blocks. Boom. Hello, Summertime Body! There are also countless ways to exercise while intoxicated. I once got drunk and rode a bike through downtown Washington D.C. in the dark and in the rain, and it was fucking awesome. Did I almost fall into a lake? Yes. Did I also run directly into a curb and eat shit? You betcha. Would I do it again? Yes, please! I also once got home drunk after a party and went on a jog. It was not as eventful and I’m still not sure why I did that, but I felt great the next morning. What i’m saying is, if you’re trying to lose weight or be healthy, don’t blame it on the alcohol. She didn’t mean it.
4. Because mistakes and stupid drunk decisions are absolutely funny.
If I stopped drinking, I never would’ve discovered that my designated rap name is “Scoop Frogg,” I never would’ve slow danced to “Dirt Road Anthem” with an NHL player in his parent’s basement, and I never would’ve discovered where the security camera blind spots are at the St. Louis Arch. Get drunk and act a fool, because you can. That includes hooking up with strangers and getting arrested. Rules: no felonies, no drunk driving, and no STDs. Petition to make that a lyric in the DARE song. Seriously though, it’s going to be okay. Life experience is worth it, drunk or sober. And in my opinion, you haven’t lived until you’ve been detained for trying to sneak alcohol into a venue by filling plastic bags with vodka and stuffing your bra with them. But that’s not the point.
5. Because if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
If you have a job, a place to sleep, and a friend or two, congrats…you’re killin’ it. You don’t need to get all down on yourself for spending too much money at the bar or passing out in an inconvenient location. The days of your independence are numbered, so take advantage of them while you can. So what if you’re approaching 30. Fuck the haters, you know?
I’d give you some more wisdom, but it’s almost happy hour. Time for shenanigans. .
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