Jared Allen Just Retired Like A Total Boss

Email this to a friend


Jared Allen Literally Just Rode Off Into The Sunset To Announce His Retirement

Shut it down. Game over. Jared Allen just pulled the ultimate power move of retirement announcements. We’ve seen Kobe’s poem, Marshawn Lynch’s hanging cleats, and hundreds of press conferences, but what’s the best way to ride off into the sunset? Well Jared Allen just showed us.

Are press conferences dead? Is social media the new way to retire? I guess we will find out. All I know is that Jared Allen just set the new standard.

What an end to a wonderful career. On the field he was a defensive monster that quarterbacks feared. Off the field, he was a legend. This guy had one of the best mullets of all time, even crediting his success to his mullet. Eventually, his wife gave him the ultimatum that he needed to cut it before their wedding. He took tours to the Middle East with the USO, he’s gotten three DUI’s, and he loves hunting (even got interviewed by Field and Stream). This guy was in a Jackass movie! As if we questioned how much of a man he is, Jared went ahead and proved himself with this amazing retirement announcement.

I mean, let’s break this down. First off, I want his coat. It looks warm and it puts off a killer vibe. The cowboy hat just tops it off. He’s on his ranch in Minnesota, which seems like a horrible place to retire, but Jared Allen doesn’t care. If I retired I would be poolside in the Caribbean with a piña colada in each hand, but this guy’s just riding a horse around in the Minnesota tundra. Let’s be honest, Minnesota just sucks. The best part about this video is that there isn’t even a sunset. It’s just 9 in the morning and it’s cloudy. Do we care? No, because Jared Allen is such a man that he still makes it seem like there is a beautiful sunset he’s riding away into. The way he rode away on his horse made John Wayne look like a little bitch. Only Jared Allen could make John Wayne look like a little bitch.

Thank you, Jared Allen. We will miss you.

Image via Twitter

Email this to a friend


Log in or create an account to post a comment.

Click to Read Comments (13)