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It’s Time To Take Social Media Back From The Health Nuts

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“Thank you SO much to everyone supporting me while I’m training for this marathon! These 5:30am wake-ups six days a week wouldn’t be possible without your love and support (: Now time for a post-workout wheatgrass and açai berry smoothie…yum! #healthy #antioxidants #nosugaradded #fitlife #everydamnday #[irrelevant hashtag] #nofilter”

What we have here is the obnoxious social media update from the obnoxious get-on-my-level health nut. We’re twenty-something years young. Most of us, having finally graduated from college, have only recently upgraded our lifestyles in terms of health. And yet, for many of you, this isn’t enough, so, in somewhat cultic fashion, you go on a health binge. Sadly, this still isn’t enough, so you rub the rest of our faces in it by inundating our social media feeds with grass and dirt smoothies, numbers on a digital pedometer that are meaningless to anyone who’s not you, and new Nike gear being used in ways for which Nike’s brand was not originally intended. Meanwhile I’m over here, just waiting until posting photos of healthy, clean shits becomes a trend—because I’m into that kind of thing, but I digress. Here’s a piece-by-piece analysis of that stereotypical Instagram/Facebook/Twitter post above (isn’t it great when people link it so one goes to all three?) to show why you health freaks need to make like Phil Robertson and stop talking.

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“Thank you SO much to everyone supporting me while I’m training for this marathon!”

Hey just a heads up Zoolander: that subtle brag about this disgusting obsession with your health really isn’t that subtle. (Neither is your blaring sense of low self-esteem; here’s hoping those 11 likes you seem to always max out at is enough for a temporary boost. #PeasantNumbers) We see how you tried to mask this boastful post behind a veil of appreciation for the “overwhelming support” you’ve received. What, are people writing you fucking letters of encouragement for a local 10k run? It’s taken you two and a half years of Instagram usage to reach 200 followers. Something is telling me you’re not that adored, sweetheart!

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“These 5:30am wake-ups six days a week wouldn’t be possible without your love and support (:”

First off, bull-fucking-shit. Second off…bull-fucking-shit. When it’s not posts about your disdain for red meat and slight dabbles in veganism, it’s motivational quotes amidst a frustrated job-hunt narrative. Tell me your unemployed lifestyle has you forced to utilize daytime before the sun makes its appearance. Not enough time off from your time off? No totally, I get it. Don’t even get me started on the reverse smiley: “Society says our emoticons express themselves from left to right? Well I’m not having it!” Roar, Katy Perry. Roar.

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“Now time for a post-workout wheatgrass and açai berry smoothie.. yum!”

I’d rather drink my own cu— cucumber hair conditioner. Speaking of eating grass, you know what else eats grass? Here’s a hint: chances are you use an unrealistic fear of becoming said animal for motivation. But great work on the squiggly under the ‘c’ on açai, though if we’re getting technical here you missed an accent right above the ‘i.’ You’re not Brazilian, honey. Brazilian women have actual asses and aren’t scared of a being a little thick. So stick to English, por favor. Bonus: a two period ellipsis in lieu of three? So offbeat.. so unique.

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“#healthy #antioxidants #nosugaradded #fitlife #everydamnday #[irrelevant hashtag] #nofilter”

When it comes to comedy, quoting any hashtag out of its original context is just too easy, like making Obamacare jokes. But unlike Obamacare’s site, PostGradProblems.com actually has traffic with mild expectations, so I’m not above doing what works. Right off the bat, we have the ‘amen’ equivalent of the Chris Traeger lifestyle, and it is “literally” the most important part of doing anything healthy. Because if you’re consuming something healthy but fail to affix the proper health-related hashtags, then was it really that healthy? No. That’s like if Rashida Jones is playing a character that is not a stuck up bitch, then is it really Rashida Jones? Of course not. Give us a couple more reminders along the lines of how sour, bitterness is nothing new to you, along with a forced, corporate tagline and we’re set. But throw in a random reference for an attempt at breaking the 11 ‘like’ average and acknowledgement that your amazingly backlit smoothie shot didn’t even need so much as a Walden filter and we’re golden. Just like the medal you aren’t going to win at the Meadow County Firefighters fundraising 10K marathon. Just don’t forget to follow it up with that spam fake airline ticket giveaway repost, because everyone knows that third time is the charm for that free $600 roundtrip ticket they keep promising you.

In the meantime, I’ll still be over here, eating my crap food in moderation and showing my young metabolism exactly how much I appreciate it. Like my peers I might spend a little too much time in front of the TV wasting away, and no, I can’t run a marathon. But a 10K is nowhere near that, so from the looks of it neither can you. Go ahead and keep up the fear-driven health binge and use it to feel better about your own mortality. Please, please just try and allocate some of those efforts towards not rubbing it in our faces. I’ve got too many Selena Gomez Instagrams to count that I need to be focusing on.

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David Hoover

David Hoover (DHoov206) is a Seattle native who frequently pretends he is Macklemore's younger brother. He talks in the 3rd person because he's arrogant, and was once voluntarily questioned by the FBI in regards to something he tweeted. Gonzaga University alumnus of '13. (Well, he might be short a class but he's convinced no one actually checks for diplomas.)

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