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I’m Going to Lose This Weight: The Battle Of The Sexes

I’m Going to Lose This Weight: The Battle Of The Sexes

Sometimes, I forget to fast-forward when I’m watching things on my DVR. Last night was one of those nights, and I happened to catch this commercial:


Now, do I believe that this non-evaluated-by-the-FDA product is the cure-all weight loss for women? Of course not. Nor do I believe that all dudes have to do is quit drinking soda and cut some carbs to have all of their weight loss prayers answered. I do believe, however, that despite having to carry around the extra weight of their (obviously large) penises, guys have it easier in the game of shedding pounds.

Before you dudes start yelling about how this is a myth like the wage gap or girls pooping, let’s break it down using some actual science, shall we? According to a March 2016 article in Prevention, there are five main reasons why guys have an easier time dropping pounds than girls:

First Word: Testosterone

According to Chris Jordan, MS, CSCS, director of exercise physiology at the Human Performance Institute and creator of the 7-Minute Workout, “Testosterone is a powerful hormone, and men have approximately 10 times more of it than women do. Testosterone increases protein synthesis and lean body mass, which will then increase your resting metabolic rate. Meaning, guys will be burning more calories all day.” So dude hormones make you fellows burn calories, while my lady hormones make me eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s daily for a week every month? Awesome. That seems totally fair.

Second Word: Estrogen

So not only do my lady hormones rage out-of-control once a month, they are apparently also responsible for that extra weight clinging to my ass. During a study at the University of New South Wales in England, researchers found that estrogen decreases females’ ability to burn calories after eating. Of course, estrogen makes it easier for us to push a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon give birth, so thank god for it, am I right, ladies?!

Brain Matters

This kills me to say, but dudes actually have better brains when it comes to this stuff then ladies do. Not that they are smarter, but they are wired differently. A study at Brookhaven National Laboratory looked at how men and women react when confronted with the smells of their favorite foods, and men were able to “turn off” their cravings much easier than women were. I blame the damn estrogen.

Shaping Up

From the Prevention piece: “Fat distribution differs greatly between the sexes. While women often gain fat on the butt and hips, men tend to carry excess weight around the abdomen, where it’s more noticeably lost when they trim down.” So dudes aren’t losing more weight, they just look like it? Am I supposed to feel better about this? Well, I don’t, because obviously we all want to lose weight to look good, and it’s totally unfair that guys look better quicker. But here’s something that makes it a little more palatable; Prevention also adds “That apple physique also happens to be more dangerous, putting men at a greater risk of heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and certain cancers due to the high concentration of visceral fat surrounding their vital organs; a little extra weight on a pear-shaped woman isn’t nearly as dangerous.” So I may be stuck with those pounds on my ass, but dudes are going to die first? That actually does make me feel a bit better.

The Fast Start

Due to their damn testosterone, a study in The British Journal of Nutrition found that men lost twice as much weight and three times as much body fat after 2 months when put on the same exact diet plans as women. Bastards. So obviously, it’s much easier to get discouraged and say “Fuck it! Gimme the Cheetos!” if you are a lady, right? Sure, but the study also provides a little bit of hope: despite men’s giant lead in the beginning, weight loss between the sexes had pretty much evened out by the six month mark. Slow and steady wins the race, fuckers.

So what does all this mean? Basically, it boils down to this: it’s not your imagination, ladies; it is easier for your man-friends to lose weight. Don’t get discouraged when you both stop drinking for a month and he loses a pants size while you’re staring at the scale hoping for half an ounce. Remember that he’s going to die first, so you ultimately win anyway. And for the dudes? Maybe lay off your lady friends when they gain a few around the behind and have a harder time (than you think they should) taking it off. The chips are stacked against us, and they aren’t even the good salt and vinegar kind.

Starting weight to Lose: 30 pounds
Week 1 Results: – 1.1 pounds
Week 2 Results: – 2.1 pounds
Week 3 Results: +0.4 pounds
Week 4 Results: – 0.2 pounds
Week 5 Results: – 0.2 pounds
Remaining weight to lose: 26.0 pounds

If you want to follow along with me, friend me on MyFitnessPal or FitBit !

Also, I’ll be chatting weekly about my progress with JR Hickey – Twitter
on our podcast, “Don’t Take It From Us.” New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or Subscribe on iTunes!

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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