I’m A Telemarketer And These Are The Worst Things Customers Have Said To Me… This Week

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I am a recent college graduate living in a new city far away from my parents and my childhood home. I have a shiny new business degree that emphasized marketing, from a school most people hear the name of and don’t immediately picture barely literate rednecks hee-hawing for a football team, or a half-naked 19-year-old passed out in a pile of their own puke on the floor at an apartment rave. What I’m saying is, the school is decent and relatively free of the (usually overblown) stigma of dumbness.

But that doesn’t matter. I work a dogshit telemarketing job and I’m too poor to straight up leave it. Oh sure, it’s advertised as “marketing.” If I wanted to I could actually make the job sound decent (they did, that’s how they tricked me into this sterile hellhole). But the job is not decent. It pays like fast food and affords me the daily dignity of a janitor cleaning a desk soaked in a rich second grader’s urine.

The only highlight – seriously it’s somehow the best part of the job – are the frequent verbal assaults I receive from the multitude random dicks I call all day. Social media gets all the attention for the faceless and merciless debasement of others. But even the most racist, homophobic, passionate Boston sports fan on Twitter has nothing on a man who has had his day interrupted by me.

Below is a recap of the best angry rants, violent threats, and attacks on my character that I received… this week. I wrote them from memory as best I could, and as soon as they were finished.

(I’ve tried to remove all the company and personal identifiers I could from the conversations.)


Man: Are you fucking kidding me? You call me five Goddamn seconds after I sit down to dinner with my fucking family!”

[Woman in background shouts man’s name, presumably upset at the language. Children laugh.]

Man: For fu– [Man walks into next room] Don’t ever call here again jerkoff. Take this number off whatever bullshit list you have me on.

Man: Are YOU interested in finding a way to take your phone’s receiver, making it so it’s standing up and down on your chair, and then plopping down on it so it shoots up your asshole?

Me: I’m wearing a headset, sir.

Man: I hope you’re wearing a body bag by tomorrow.

[hangs up]

Man: Actually I haven’t thought about (service and/or offer I just explained to him) because I’ve been thinking about your mom getting split in half by an angry elephant’s cock.

Man: Are you happy with your life?

Me: I got free Chipotle for lunch today so things have been pretty good lately.

Man: I think I’d kill myself with fire if I was you. Just to see if I could feel anything right before I ended my pathetic life.

Me: And just to let you know, this call may be recorded for quality assurance.

Man: You mean like how your mom gets recorded taking down handfuls of dick for an over 50 porno site?

Man: No one is going to attend your funeral.

Man: Hey, fuck you.

Me: Excuse m—

Man: Hold on hold on. Fuck you.

Me:: I –

Man: Fuck you fuck you fuck you so fucking hard fuck you.

[hangs up]

Man:: I can’t talk now. I have diarrhea. But I’ll say hi to all your coworkers, friends, and family after I fire them out of my asshole and into the toilet.

Man: There’s no way your girlfriend thinks about you when you two fuck.

Man: You sound like a total pussy.

Man: What do you have less of? Friends or money?

Man: Leave me the fuck alone. [to Woman] It was just some telemarketer.

Woman: [Laughs, to Man] That was probably the nicest thing anyone’s said to him all day.

[Man laughs, hangs up]

Man: Normally I’m against outsourcing jobs but I hope they send yours to India tomorrow so that you die homeless as soon as possible.

Man: Take a hint from how your parents treated you after you told them where you work and never speak to me again.

Man: You should go to college kid, or you’re gonna be working shit jobs like this your whole life.

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