It’s freezing cold out, the roads are covered in ice, and simply going outside puts lives in danger — so obviously, coffee shops around America are packed. You’ll be in line with hundreds, if not thousands, of white girls ordering their coffees in a very specific manner. There’s a very specific way you must do this, or the white girls will know you’re not one of them. In case you fear not being accepted as a white girl at your nearby coffee shop, I’ve put together the perfect guide to help you navigate the coffee-ordering process with ease.
First, you’ll want to look as bored as possible while waiting in line.
I mean, you’re going to be in this line for seven whole minutes. To pass the time, you’ll need to have your iPhone 6 in one hand, using your thumb to scroll through your Twitter feed. Switch back and forth between Twitter and Instagram every ninety seconds. Roll your eyes at least three times for dramatic effect.
When you get to the cash register, say “ummmm” for at least ten seconds.
What, you were supposed to figure out your order during that time? Please. Now that you’re at the register with a barista smiling at you, put on your best “deer in the headlights” face and say “ummmmmmm” for as long as you can without taking another breath. Look confusedly at all the menu options and try to analyze the calorie counts.
If you’re with a friend, ask what she’s getting.
Since you obviously haven’t decided what you’re getting yet, ask your friend what she’s getting. What if you pick something that’s eight hundred calories and she picks something that’s fifty? That wouldn’t work. Unfortunately, the friend with you is probably a white girl, too. Ask her what she wants and she’ll respond with the same blank expression, showing that she has no clue what to order, either. Have a three-minute-long discussion about what you both want, holding up everyone else at the register.
Pick the drink with the longest possible name.
You have no idea what most of these words mean, so you pick the longest, most complicated order name you can think of. It will make you sound totally smart and sophisticated and not at all spoiled. Your goal is seven words or more — if you don’t hit that seven-word goal, everyone listening (no one) will question your white girl status. An ideal order will sound something like this: “I’d like a hot venti sugar-free soy caramel latte, no foam.” This order surpasses your word goal and is specific enough that your barista will want to kill you. It’s perfect.
If there is a seasonal menu, you MUST order from it. No exceptions.
During the holidays, you may only order from the seasonal menu. You can’t be a true white girl if you’re seen with a white chocolate mocha when you had the option to order a gingerbread latte. Beginning in September, a pumpkin spice latte is your only option. You’ll have to get creative with your ordering to be as specific as you need to be to truly hold your white girl status. An example order would be: “I’d like a venti thanksgiving roast with half pumpkin spice syrup, half sugar-free caramel syrup, and extra room.” Once late November hits, you will need to forego the PSLs, even though they’re still on the menu, and order either gingerbread lattes or peppermint mochas until December 26. After those dates, you may continue ordering via the step above.
Pay with your pre-loaded card app or iPay.
If you pay with a physical credit card or, heaven forbid, actual cash, everyone will know that you’re not a white girl. You must pay with your iPhone. Whether you use your Starbucks rewards app or iPay, make sure that the app of choice is not open when you step up to the register. You must open the app, select a pay option, and then attempt to scan your phone at least five times. You cannot be too efficient. If you take less than a minute to pay, your white girl cover will be truly blown.
Instagram your misspelled name.
After your order and wait five minutes, you’ll hear your order called. Retrieve your drink, check the marks on the side (even though you don’t know what they mean — just pretend), and then read your name. It must be misspelled, and you must make a big deal about it to whomever you are with. An example speech would be: “Ohmigod, can you BELIEVE they spelled Stephanie ‘Steffaniiy’? Who even does that?” Instagram your cup, making sure your name is in the view. Add a filter, a funny caption, and use the coffee cup emoji. Demand whoever is with you to like it this instant. Spend the rest of your day checking your phone to make sure your post got at least twenty-five likes. And that’s how you order coffee like a white girl..
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