You did it! You were really on top of things at the end of 2013. You planned ahead, and even made reservations at a place with an open bar. You were really crushing it, and 2014 was going to be your year. Not only did you make a list of New Year’s Resolutions, but you WROTE THEM DOWN. On paper, too! Sure, you posted it on Facebook, but that wasn’t your true list. Your true list is pinned to your mirror, and the question wasn’t “Am I ready for 2014?” The question was “Is 2014 ready for me?!”
Then a couple of days went by. “I’ll make it to the gym after the weekend,” you told yourself. “I’ll get there after all of those New Year’s Resolution-ers are done clogging the place up. I was real busy this week, I’ll start cooking for myself next week, this week I was just too busy.”
Now we’re more than a week into the New Year, and it’s about time we all start coping with the fact that we’re done with our resolutions. They looked nice on paper, but so did communism. It’s the action that never works out. Here are some tips for coping with the fact that you’ve given up, and maybe some ideas for moving forward.
Take It Out On Others
You didn’t achieve what you wanted to this year, and it’s barely this year. Sometimes getting petty is the only thing left to do, and being real passive-aggressive about it is a nice way to knock those happier than you down a peg. Friend getting engaged? Comment “Whoa what size ring is that?” on the photo of her wearing her new engagement ring. Post on her Facebook wall “LOL remember Vegas? ur so flexible and wild. pools are fun!” Know someone who is regularly hitting the gym, and posting pictures of it all over Instagram? Try a nice “Oh this makes sense, you’ve been smelling like the gym!” or “Some people are just born with different types of bodies, I read about it!” comments. Post articles linking kale to obesity on your Facebook wall, getting back at everyone who is eating healthier than you.
Accept That It’s Over
This may be the most important thing. Stop referring to a change that you want to make in your life as a New Year’s Resolution, and stop putting a timeline on improving your life. Always try and keep things in perspective, especially since we are all probably just a hologram living in an alternate universe, and nothing is actually real.
Make A New Resolution
Try and come up with something that you know you can achieve. I have a note card on my mirror that reads New Year’s Resolutions: 1) Read this note card sometimes. 2) Own a mirror. Because let’s face it, we’re only creating a legitimate New Year’s resolution list so we can have some sort of moral self victory. What the resolution is, that’s not as important as just finishing this thing you told yourself you would finish. Heck, why not just make the resolution something you are about to do, then check it off immediately.
Lie To Yourself
You didn’t really want that resolution, anyway. Why would you save money? You’re young, this is the time to spend that cash! Who is worried about getting in shape right now? It’s winter, everyone is wearing a ton of layers everywhere, you can’t tell who is in what kind of physical condition. You’re totally happy the way you are, and those chicken nuggets taste great.