I don’t know what it feels like to go yard for what should be a World Series winning homerun only to be robbed at the fence by a defender’s glove, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same exact feeling as when you bring a girl home and have her all of a sudden need to leave. She just remembered she has to go feed her dog, or her roommate locked herself out, or maybe she just decided she’s “not that kind of girl.” All of that is bullshit.
The real reason she changed her mind is because she saw the inside of your apartment and realized you’re a man-child. Perhaps it was the pile of “maybe clean, maybe not” laundry on your sofa. It could have been because you can smell your dirty dishes from the bedroom. Maybe it was the fact that you have an American flag on your wall. Either way, your home still looks like a frat house and reflects on your maturity. However, as someone who is still firmly in the “fake it” stage of adulthood, I have some tips for you to make it seem like you have your shit together.
Frames are the only difference between a teenager’s bedroom and an adult’s apartment. You’ve got an old 2 Fast 2 Furious movie poster taped to the wall? Frame that shit, now you’re a movie buff. Pictures of you and your friends chugging forties in Daytona Beach hung up with pushpins? Put them in frames and you’re an artist. Even that ratty old American flag that’s been hanging above your bed since you moved into the dorms will rake in the compliments if you toss a mahogany frame around it. I framed my faded Animal House poster right after I graduated college and overnight girls stopped making fun of it and started telling me how well it matched the room.
Hanging cooking utensils.
I don’t know what it is about having your whole kitchen hanging from your walls that makes you look like an adult, but it works. Get stainless steel pots and pans and hang them around your stove. Get one of those magnetic wall strips and hang all your (Target brand) steak knives on it. Hell, if you found a way to suspend your $19.95 toaster from the ceiling, Williams-Sonoma will probably call you for a photo shoot. It doesn’t matter what it is, hang that shit up. As a bonus, the shiny nature of these kitchen ornaments will distract visitors from how your trashcan is overflowing because you were too hungover to take it out for third consecutive garbage day.
Speaking of that overflowing trashcan, your apartment probably stinks. I know, you and your roommate have a strict schedule. You clean every Sunday morning together! Except for last Sunday when you were out of town and he was shacked up with a random girl. Or the week before that when you both got after it at Sunday Funday and were passed out on the couch by 3 p.m. None of that matters with a candle.
Sure, your kitchen smells like burnt pasta and garbage and your room probably smells like old gym socks, but all of that is drowned out by the seasonal Yankee Candle you’ve got lit. Your place may look like a trap house, but damn does it smell like your grandma’s baking on Christmas morning.
Pillows. So many pillows.
Each pillow you own adds an extra two years to your perceived age. That’s just science. For maximum adultness, you should have no less than 23 pillows spread out in your living and sleeping quarters. I’m talking about decorative throw pillows too; none of them should actually be comfortable.
Get some with rhinestones on it, get some that say “home sweet home,” or hell, get some of those Tootsie-Roll-shaped ones that hurt your back just by looking at them. If you don’t have to toss between eight and ten pillows on the ground before you can comfortably lie on your couch, then you should just enroll yourself in pre-school because you’re a baby. Bonus points if you also have several itchy wool blankets folded over the top of the sofa.
Wine rack / bar cart.
You know what adults do? Drink alcohol. The fancier your booze appears, the more you look like someone who has an all-hardwood study (the pinnacle of adulthood). You should have, at the very least, a wine rack or a bar cart. Both would be preferred. The wine rack can be completely filled with two-buck Chuck for all anyone cares, the point is you’re a fancy bitch who can afford to buy furniture to store your booze as if you’re not just going to finish all five bottles in the next ten days.
If you have bar cart and it doesn’t have a decanter on it, you should just replace all of your furniture with Natty Ice boxes because that’s the vibe you’re giving off. I don’t give a shit if that decanter is filled with Jim Beam, Canadian Mist, or RC fucking Cola, but it better be crystalline and filled with a brown liquid.
An area rug.
This is just a nice touch for any apartment. It helps keep your feet warm in the winter and is relatively easy clean with a vacuum. It also helps define the space of your room, and can be a breath of fresh air in an otherwise bland living area.
I don’t know, a fucking birth certificate on the wall?
You know what gets girls going? Knowing the exact age of the man they just went home with. That’s right, I called you a man, because you have a piece of paper on the wall proving that you ain’t no little boy. Sure, it says you were born in 1991 and that you’re middle name is Eliza, but fuck it, you can change that. Hit up Photoshop, roll that date back ten years, and change that name to Henry, and now you’re cooking with gasoline. No woman can resist a 35-year-old with two first names; I’m like 90 percent sure I read that in the Scientific American. And you already know what do before hanging that shit up – frame it in some chill-ass Cherry Wood. .