I’ve seen some majestic, awe-inspiring things in my day. I’ve seen the vastness of the Grand Canyon, the never-ending beauty of Niagara Falls, and I’ve even walked in on a man and a woman having anal sex while eating Cheetos. But never, in all my years, have I seen something as glorious and earth-shattering as Little Caesars’ latest culinary creation: Bacon-wrapped Pizza.
You’ve tried it on Shrimp, you’ve tried it on Scallops, now try it on nature’s already-perfect food, Pizza. Look upon it, ye mighty, and tremble.
Little Caesars, the budget pizza chain, announced their plans to nationally roll out their newest menu item, the Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza, on February 23rd, which we can all mark down in our calendars is the day that humanity just collectively said “fuck it” and let themselves go.
“Every time you take a bite out of the crust, you’ll get bacon,” says David Scrivano, CEO of Little Caesars. The pizza is being promoted with the tagline “In Bacon We Trust”, and despite being wrapped in bacon, there will also be additional bacon sprinkled on the crust as a topping, along with pepperoni. If you were able to get through that sentence without even a shred of sexual arousal, I applaud you for being less of a fat bastard than I am, but I question your humanity.
The Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza is Little Caesars way of breaking into the American bacon infatuation, which already includes such over-the-top items as Burger King’s Bacon Ice Cream Sundae, Bacon Milkshakes at Sonic and Red Robin, and, of course, bacon-flavored condoms and lube. This truly is the greatest country on earth.
Costing a whopping (yet not unreasonable) $12, this bacon-wrapped gift from the Heavens is one of the most expensive items on the menu at Little Caesars, if not THE most expensive single-menu item. Also, it’s not one for counting calories: A single slice will run you 450 calories; 23 grams of fat; 830 milligrams of sodium and 40 milligrams of cholesterol. Little Caesars just doesn’t give a shit. You might keel over dead after your third slice.
“You can always get a plain, cheese pizza or a veggie pizza,” said CEO Scrivano. “This is a more indulgent offering for a demographic that craves premium quality.”
Little Caesar himself could not be reached for comment, but I’m assuming it would’ve been something along the lines of “Pizza, Pizza!” Guy knows how to sell a pizza..
[via USA Today]