Girls, These Red Flags In Your Dating Profiles Are Ruining Your Chances At Happiness (And Getting Laid)

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Girls, These Red Flags In Your Dating Profiles Are Ruining Your Chances At Happiness (And Getting Laid)

Last week, I hit you guys with some hard truths on what us ladies found to be the biggest red flags in men’s dating app profiles. After checking in with men and women of the Bumble and Tinder nation, I have made some very important discoveries that you all deserve to know. Though the women of the world had some hot opinions on this touchy subject, it’s what my homeboys told me that really threw me for a loop.

When asked, “What are the biggest red flags someone can have in their dating app profile that will guarantee them a left swipe?”, every single guy answered me in literal paragraph form. Every. Single. One. It was insane. The ladies had sent me one or two sentence answers; they kept it short and sweet. But no, that was not the case with these guys. It was like they had been waiting their entire lives to answer this hard-hitting question.

So without further ado, let’s dive in. Here’s what the male population had to say.

Men’s Top Red Flags

We’ll start with our top-reported crimes.

Pictures With Kids
Women also reported that seeing children in a guy’s profile was a turn-off. Here’s the thing: we are all getting married and having children later and later because we are very busy enjoying our freedom. We like to chill at our favorite Mexican restaurants and get our sizzle on with a stout marg without worrying about getting too wild to take care of a small child. Ladies, when a 25-year-old man gets to your profile and sees you loving and holding onto a small infant, can you imagine his response? He breaks out into a cold sweat. His balls probably crawl back up inside his body, and with shaking hands, he attempts to swipe left. Don’t do that to the poor guy. If you have a picture with a baby, please be sure to identify whether that baby is yours or not. Whichever it is, it needs to be known. Me? I take a hard stand against babies on any dating profiles. Pics with small humans surely won’t be snagging me a sushi and sake date any time soon. Leave the photos of you and your buddy’s adorable new offspring on Facebook.

Any Reference To Marriage Or A Long-Term Relationship
Wowza, girls. What a terrible, terrible idea. I was surprised to hear this one from so many men. Are women out there really putting in their bio that they’re trying to get wifed up? Shit. I make some “Who wanna wife me?” jokes on the Twitter, but I am not trying to throw those vibes out on Bumble. Girls, this is in the same ballpark as having pics with a bunch of babies. You’re gonna scare these guys away. You’re both on a casual dating/hookup app, for Pete’s sake. No Tinder match is interested in looking at your Pinterest board covered in Tacori engagement rings and blue Manolo Blahnik heels or discussing the benefits of eloping with you. Even if you are looking for a serious relationship, don’t you think that is something you should leave for a real conversation, like, in person? I feel like maybe that’s the route you should go, instead of putting “Looking for my forever” right there in your bio. Ugh. Barf. Just go get weird at happy hour first and try to hide the crazy in your eyes until after he’s already hooked like the rest of us.

Too Many Religious References and Bible Verses
I’m going to tread as lightly as possible here in attempt to not rile up the congregation. This is another one of those things that should be discussed in person, ladies. If you want to go ahead and put that in your profile, just know that you are excommunicating yourself from what is probably a large percentage of the dating app pool right off the bat. When I read something as serious as that in someone’s profile, I assume that if I don’t feel just as passionate about that subject, there’s no potential for anything working out there. Leave these conversations for after you’ve met. Why not make a connection with someone, meet up, and get to know them? That’s how they did it in the good old days. You’re not supposed to list 1000 of your character traits and interests and let someone pick through them like that. You list your best ones, somehow convince them to take you on a date, and then try and impress them with your Will Ferrell impersonation skills over pizza. Save the touchy subjects for later, when you’re lying in bed having some drunk pillow talk. I’m kidding. Don’t do that either.

Every Photo is of You Partying
Ah. Back to this one. Girls, you didn’t like when guys looked sweaty and blackout drunk in every photo, either. So it’s very important that you take down that pic from Sarah’s bachelorette party in New Orleans of you dancing on the bar double-fisting Hand Grenades. I know you think that this makes you look fun and free-spirited, but, unfortunately, that is not the vibe you’re giving off. I’ve got a couple pics on Bumble of me with some adult bevs, but I don’t look hammered. Close your mouth, put your tongue back down in there, and remove the pics of you and your girls getting rowdy on spring break wearing fanny packs and brandishing Flabongos. Also, why are we out there putting “420 friendly” in our bios for? If a guy is down to smoke the Devil’s lettuce with you, you’ll probably know somewhere around the second date. The drunk pictures are funny, but they also make it look like you might not be down to go on a date without pre-gaming with 4 glasses of Pinot Grigio first. Give the boy a chance to see you in your wild drunken prime first-hand. If he sticks around and continues to like you after having to pay your $75 tab of Bulleit Old Fashioned’s when you’re blacked out while wearing athleisure at a cigar/whiskey bar, you’ll know you’ve snagged a good one who will put up with your antics. Take down the drunk pics and let the guy experience that one out for himself.

Bios That Are Full Length Autobiographies
You know, I wasn’t exactly surprised to see this one, but sincerely I thought that men probably didn’t give as much clout to our biographies as we give to theirs. Turns out, I was very, very incorrect about that. Yes, ladies, guys are using magnifying glasses to look at your profile pic on Instagram when you have a private account. They’re screenshotting your Bumble pictures and sending them into their group texts with the boys, accompanied by the question, “Would?” They pay a lot of attention to your photos. But…they’re also taking the time to read your bio after they’re done going Sherlock Holmes on your photo selection. One friend told me that anything longer than 5 sentences immediately got a left swipe for him. Unfortunately for me, I’m working with a 6 sentence bio, so I’m probably getting lefted on the regular just for being long-winded. I get it, you don’t want to read my life story in my bio. So girls, let’s knock it down just a little bit. And for Pete’s sake, take out the fucking emojis. Nobody likes an emoji-infested bio. Use words like the rest of the population.

Only Selfies
Here we are with the selfies, again. Come on, people! Get some stranger to take your picture for you! Grab the most normal-looking person near you at the concert you’re at with your friends to take a group pic of you guys. Selfies are fun, I take plenty, but we shouldn’t be using them on dating profiles. Every guy who listed selfies as a red flag said it was because it makes it look like the girl doesn’t have any friends. Stop using 6 different driver’s-seat selfies as your dating app pictures. Boys are even less trusting of our photos than we are of theirs. Angled selfies are a no, because guys thing you might be hiding a beer gut just out of frame. Selfies with duck faces are overplayed and make you look like an eight grader (Sigh, that’s my drunken go-to). Selfies with the dog Snapchat filter apparently make you look like a sloot, when in reality, all it does it smooth your complexion out, cover your nose, and make your face skinnier…but they don’t know that. Just 100% don’t be having the Snapchat filter pic happen. Yes, I know your makeup and contour look fire, but give a man a chance to tell you your eyebrows are on fleek in real life. Also, I hate myself for using that phrase just now.

Explicitly Stating “I’m Not Crazy”
Whoa. Ladies. This is not a good look. We talk about this at every “Hide Your Crazy” annual meeting. Rule #1 of hiding your crazy: Never say “I’m not crazy.” Let’s go ahead and note the obvious: saying that immediately makes you look a little off your rocker. I know, you’re going for the opposite result, but unfortunately this is not what happens. Everybody has a streak of crazy hiding somewhere deep down inside, but there is a real art to keeping it under wraps until the opportune moment strikes. Don’t even use the “c” word in your bio. That one is off limits. Funnily enough, there are a lot of guys out there who like a girl with a touch of the crazy. Not Elin Woods crazy, but just a touch. There’s hope for all of us.

Honorable Mentions:
The honorable mentions list given by the guys was much longer than the girls. Again, they had a million more red flags to report about women than women had to report about men. Here are some other hard-nos I can’t bear to leave out.

“I’m Not Here To Hook Up”: LOL. Though you might be warding off the horn-dogs who are only looking for a hook-up, I think this one might come across as a little bitchy. Even if you feel this way, I’d say save that for the first few messages with a guy to really lay your intentions out there without running the risk of looking like you think you’re better than anyone else on what is essentially a hook-up app.

“I’m Here To Make Friends”: Girls, get off of a dating app if you’re looking for guy friends. Go to a bar. Go to a golf course. Go to a ball game. Go to a Buffalo Wild Wings on .50 cent wing night. Quit wasting these guys’ time on Tinder if all you’re looking to do is add to your friend zone.

Anything Political: This is right up there with the religious convo. Leave your politics off of Bumble and leave it to loud and drunken public conversations at your local bar.

Super Feminazi: Every dude who told me this one also followed this up with, “I mean, power to women and everything, but…” Honestly, these guys probably just don’t want you to kick their ass for trying to open a car door for you or pick up the check for dinner. Ease up ladies, you can still be a bad ass bitch without smashing in the teeth of every guy who tries to do something polite for you.

Bad Smile: I laughed my ass off at this one. First of all, if a girl has a bad smile, it’s because she probably can’t help it. This one is brutal as shit. Apparently if a chick has bad teeth, shows too much of her gums when smiling, is wearing lipstick a guy thinks is ugly, or has an, I shit you not, “snaggle tooth,” it’s gonna be a left swipe. Damn. I guess my Train Bleu by Nars matte lipstick isn’t winning me any future husbands here. This one was ice cold.

Fans of Sports Teams He Doesn’t Like: To each their own. If I come across some dude wearing a bunch of Auburn stuff in his pics, that is no guarantee that I’m automatically going to swipe left. On the contrary, I actually like to swipe right on guys who have their alma mater listed that just so happens to be a team who got their ass beat by Bama during football season. My opening line is always, “Tough loss this year, *insert dude’s name*.” It doesn’t result in a lot of positive responses, but it is extremely entertaining for me. Girls, rep your teams hard, and the right guys are gonna swipe right. But don’t forget that having a healthy little rivalry could keep things fun.

Too Many Group Photos: Again with the group pictures. Don’t make a guy guess which chick is you. I don’t use any group pictures. I’ve got a lot of hot friends and I don’t need some guy being disappointed when it’s MY profile he’s looking at and not my fine-ass sorority sister’s. Make sure he’s not having to play a little game of, “Where’s Waldo?” when scrolling through your pictures.

Pictures With A Lot of Dudes: This one is a given. Girls, we didn’t like when guys had every pic with another girl. They feel the same way. Either your friend-zone is extensive and you hang out with your guy pals on the regular (I fall into this category), or you’re posting photos of you and your ex on your dating profile and calling it a day. Even if you are one, try and steer clear from the “guy’s girl bro-ing out” photos. You might be giving off the wrong vibe. And never have a picture with your ex on a dating profile. That’s just weird. Do some cropping and some photoshopping and get the guy out of there.

Not Linking Instagram: I was surprised by this one, because when I see guys link their Instagram, I immediately think that they’re just thirsty for new followers. Seeing as girls are the worst about “doing it for the likes,” I can only assume that there are girls out there flaunting their hot bods for follows, too. Apparently guys just want to see all of the pictures of you that they can possibly get. They also want to make sure that you are a real person. I have yet to be catfished on social media, but these guys don’t want to run the risk of you being some Nigerian prince who has 3 million U.S. dollars waiting to be given to them if they could just provide their bank account and routing number, please.

This list does not include every single thing that these boys told me were red flags. Girls, if I told you all of them, we would all be left crying and curled up in the fetal-position, drowning our sorrows in a bottle of Cab Sauv. Just like I said last week: honestly, if you’ve got some weird shit going on in your profile, you might as well just leave it there. Chances are that there’s some guy out there who is willing to look past the “I’m not crazy :-)” statement in your bio. Just be prepared to look past his gym selfie.

The dating world can be a cold, dark, and intimidating place. But if you keep playing your cards right, maybe you’ll wind up finding someone who won’t mind that you wear a Blackhawks jersey to bed when you get drunk, get way too competitive when playing putt-putt golf, and are willing to spend $118 on lululemon tights. Godspeed.

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