Happy Friday to ya, you guys. It’s another edition of the FRIDAY DIMEBAG. I told you it’d be a Friday feature, and who didn’t believe I could do it? Who doubted me? Who amongst us does not belong? Someone here does not belong, a stranger amongst the loyal. I will weed you out.
This week, we’re talking about fantasy football trips and maybe a little bit about Sun Tracker pontoon boats. I don’t know if I have enough time. Let’s get into it.
I won my FF league this past season. Along with the monetary prize, we established that the winner gets to pick where we do our draft next season. About 75% of the league is either wifed up or girlfriended up so much that it’s one and the same, so this draft weekend would be the only possible time that all 10 of us could do something together for once. Our league is split with guys from San Antonio & Houston so an entire weekend or at a minimum a Friday or Saturday night would have to be devoted to the draft.
The question is, do I attempt to go balls to the wall on this one and essentially make it a bachelor party type weekend? You know, Vegas or something that is totally unnecessary. Or do I try to make it more low key, maybe reserve a room at a local bar or something practical in hopes that the entire league can participate? I would love to get some feedback. Maybe there’s a destination that would be deceivingly fun? Somewhere that sounds innocent enough that it is an easy sell to the wives, but once we’re there it’s actually a potential shit show? Any stories you have heard about people’s drafts? Do you think I should prioritize the participation over the potential amount of fun?
Go for it. Go for gold. You have a group of ten friends that’s available on the same weekend? Absolutely take advantage of it. I don’t care that it’s in Vegas and at least 1.5 of you (BET THE OVER) are going to end up blowing your mortgage payment on strippers and blow. Just tell your wife or girlfriend that you went heads up against Greg Raymer at Mandalay Bay. She’ll understand. This is such a rare opportunity for you and your boys to get together that you’d be a fool not to take it, even if it is a Vegas trip. Just make sure you employ the forty-two-hour Vegas rule. Fly in late Friday night. Fly out early Sunday afternoon.
Be warned, though. You need to start planning this trip NOW. You and every other man in America is planning a trip to Vegas for his fantasy draft.
There’s also a good chance that not everyone is going to be down with a Vegas trip. I know far too many men who have left their souls and credit scores in the Mojave. I also have a few friends who have done this and they said they loved it, so if you can swing it, I say go for it.
Two part question: what’s the ETA on both your own personal Sun Tracker Party Barge pontoon boat and when can we expect another Gil column?
It is my life’s dream to own a 22-foot, 220 HP Sun Tracker party barge. Each day when I show up to work, I stare longingly at pictures of STPBs and say to myself, “Hey Bri, what’s it gonna take to get closer to your dream?” Then I rank milk like some kind of moron. I think about how awesome it’ll be when I cruise into Party Cove in my blue- and silver-trimmed ‘toon, blasting “I Can’t Drive 55” and tossing Budweisers to my passengers. I’m gonna haul so much ass in that thing. ETA: 2020.
As for Gil, he’s such a complex character whose storyline takes weeks to develop. I’ve got big plans for Gil in 2015. Gil might move on from his current job and finally start making the big bucks. The thought of him actually making real money opens his story up to endless power moves. Give me a few weeks.
What’s your go-to order at Chilis, you piece of shit?
That’s pretty aggressive, sir. I don’t even know if I should dignify such a coarse question with an answer, but I will. When I’m in the health zone, I go fajitas, no tortillas. When I’m hungover and okay with treating my body like a dumpster, I go Triple Dipper or baby back ribs with a marg.
The Artist Formerly Known As Champ,
I’m trying to lose weight in 2015. What’s your best advice, from one fat guy to another?
Why would you even think I’m qualified to dish out a response to this? I’m no Tony Horton, but as a guy who once completed P90X and then quickly allowed his body to deteriorate via Whataburger and various types of tacos upon moving to Texas, I think I got you. It’s pretty simple. Stop eating out, eat healthy five days a week, and move. I stopped going out to eat after the holidays and have already dropped six pounds. I AM A BIG STRONG MAN. I’ll be back at my playing weight, off the PUP list, and able to take off my shirt in public in no time..
If you’ve got a question for the Friday Dimebag, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll answer it, no matter how ridiculous it is.
Image via Shutterstock