“You can’t wear that,” I was told minutes before pressing “Send” for our Uber. “That shirt doesn’t look as good as your other one.” Nevermind the fact that I have just two acceptable shirts to wear out, but it was at that moment that I realized that I might’ve become out of touch with my sense of style. It doesn’t say much for me that my style icons sit somewhere between Chandler Bing and mid-90s Tom Hanks, but I’m still here and I’m still willing to learn, which is why I have some questions regarding the current state of fashion.
The intent of fashion is not to impress or serve the opposite sex. This we know and it’s not negotiable. The intent (I think?) is to express one’s self in a way that can’t be done with words or actions. Which is why I feel comfortable in asking why certain trends are the way they are, and how these trends have come to fruition. Much like people wonder why guys insist on wearing golf shirts that are a size too big, I think there are some brave questions to be asked about fashion that none of us really understand.
I know that not all fashion trends need to serve a purpose, but out of all the fashion trends that have come across my feed lately, top knots have me the most perplexed. I’m not talking about buns or up-dos or whatever high-maintenance brides request and later regret because their stylist can’t get it right – I’m talking about top knots, Those little balls of hair that rest on top of your had that allow the back of your hair to fall freely while really only holding back your bangs.
I sincerely don’t know if I just don’t jive with the actual look of the top knot, or if I feel like I’m just staring at Legolas from Lord of the Rings who just got his top knot chopped off in battle. Or perhaps I’m just used to seeing Jessa and Shoshanna fully commit to the full-on top bun which makes this look completely foreign to me.
Is it too much to ask to just leave this bun to the people we hate like Harry Styles and The Fat Jewish?
When you’re bloated from all the sugar in the champagne and the wedding band has already played shout, there comes a time in every man’s life that I imagine is the male equivalent of taking their bra off after a long day – when they can finally undo their bow tie and free up their neck from the constraints of their tuxedo.
I know, I know – women don’t have Adam’s apples but that’s beside the fact because I still can’t imagine that choker necklaces are that much more comfortable than bow ties. While no, fashion isn’t always meant to be comfortable, it just feels like there are other options out there that don’t wring your neck and put out a The Craft vibe. Believe me, if there was a more comfortable option than a bow tie, I’d snatch up two in case I got too drunk and ripped the first one.
Hey, if they’re comfortable, I support your decision just like I’d hope you support my decision to fully transition into joggers because of the elastic waistbands. But if they’re constricting you in any way at all, just know that I support your decision to walk away from the trend and let it die a lonely death like the girls from The Craft would’ve wanted.
Okay, okay – before I begin, let me clarify. I don’t mean all destroyed denim. Denim, naturally, is made to be worn to its bitter end. Many a white boy has worn his JNCOs to the point where mud puddles seep up the frayed backs just like many a cowboy have ripped their Wranglers on some killer cacti. But the destroyed denim I have questions about is the new fad where pretty much an entire third of the jean is ripped out of the front of the knee. Kind of like what Kourtney Kardashian is wearing.
The way that I’ve always looked at destroyed denim is that it’s naturally damaged. But these just look like Edward Scissorhands was the salesperson at Forever 21 and they enforced a strict “you break it, you buy it” policy when he attempted to check you out. It looks like two landmines exploded out of the knees and Kanye West said, “You know what? It’s perfect” and slapped them on Kim because he knew there was nothing else like it on the market. Besides, isn’t one of the benefits of wearing jeans that you don’t have to shave your legs? I mean, I pretty much always wear a shirt solely so people can’t see my rogue back hairs.
You know when you were little and you’d watch those shows on the discovery channel where some psycho painted the Mona Lisa on the end of a needle with a piece of hair or some shit? That’s what I imagine trying to get the perfect wing of mascara on your eye is like. Does it look good? Absolutely. Do I worry about your hand cramping up when you’re on try number five and your Uber driver has his thumb hovering over the “Cancel” button? Yes, yes, I do. I know it’s very Ariana Grande of you, but wouldn’t it be easier to just simplify the process? Or am I completely out of touch and it takes no longer than any other way of putting on makeup? Fuck. I’m definitely out of touch.
Actually, scratch all of that. I probably don’t deserve any answers – I’m just a guy who wears golf shirts a size too big. .