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Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Teeth Flyin’

Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Bye Felisha

Let’s start here: as long as you weren’t one of the hundreds of fools that attempted to attend the Fyre Festival, your weekend probably wasn’t that bad. Personally, my weekend was just fine – I did a bunch of shopping and got a ton of bargains on Saturday and spent a lazy Sunday watching an SVU marathon. So no complaints here, but these people may have a few.

Cristiano Ronaldo

When you are a sports star like Ronaldo, you likely become accustomed to people commenting on your performance. But when people start talking about your…shall we say, off the field performance, I imagine it’s got to be a little bit embarrassing.

Italian model and reality star Elisa De Panicis Agnelli says she met the Real Madrid soccer star in Ibiza and dated him for a bit last year. While she doesn’t have anything negative to say about their relationship – “We had fun and we had a good friendship, but not anything special” – she does claim Ronaldo has other “shortcomings.” According to Agnelli, Ronaldo “uses filling to make his penis look bigger” for modeling shoots, such as this one for his CR7 Cristiano Ronaldo underwear line:

Perfect for the summer! @cr7underwear www.CR7Underwear.com

A post shared by Cristiano Ronaldo (@cristiano) on

Well, here’s the question: does it really matter? After all, it’s not the size of the boat that matters, it’s the motion of the….oh, fuck it. It matters. IT MATTERS. [via New York Post]

Brad Kaaya

Honestly, Kaaya, the Miami quarterback who was drafted by the Detroit Lions in the 6th round as the 215th player overall, probably had a good weekend. Except for the fact that his mother inadvertently stole his thunder with something that happened 21 years and three days before he was drafted.

Kaaya’s mother is Angela Means Kaaya, a one-time actress who has had roles in films and shows such as “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper,” “In Living Color,” “House Party 3,” “The Cherokee Kid” and “Cousin Skeeter.” But those all pale in comparison to a bit part she had in 1995’s “Friday,” in which she played Felisha. Yes, that Felisha.

Means now works at a vegan chef and looks a little bit different than she did when Ice Cube told her to hit the road:

Mom basically launched the meme movement and now her son is off to play QB? Hello, Means family.

[via ESPN]

Netflix

How bad can your weekend really be when your company is the subject of a million couch potatoes’ affections? Well, it’s probably not great when the new season of one of your biggest shows is leaked by a hacker.

The first ten episodes of season five of Orange Is The New Black were released early Saturday morning by a hacker named “thedarkoverlord.” The Dark Overlord requested an undisclosed amount of money in return for not releasing the eps, but when Netflix did not respond, the shows were uploaded to file-sharing site The Pirate Bay. The episodes were obtained during a cyberattack on post-production studio Larson Studios in late 2016 and shows from other networks such as ABC, Fox, National Geographic and IFC were reportedly also taken.

In an online message posted Saturday, the hacker said,

It didn’t have to be this way, Netflix. You’re going to lose a lot more money in all of this than what our modest offer was. We’re quite ashamed to breathe the same air as you. We figured a pragmatic business such as yourselves would see and understand the benefits of cooperating with a reasonable and merciful entity like ourselves. And to the others: there’s still time to save yourselves. Our offer(s) are still on the table — for now.

I’d say that you should give them what they want, networks, but if there’s a chance The Bachelorette could be leaked early…well, then I’m all in with the Overlord. [via Variety]

Isaiah Thomas

Even if you aren’t a Celtics fan, you can’t help but be in awe of how Isaiah Thomas has handled himself during the NBA playoffs after the death of his sister at the beginning of round 1. Now, the Celtics have advanced to round 2 against the Wizards, and Thomas’ play has been a big part of that. Which is why it seems a bit wrong to include him in this column, but what happened to him on Sunday is too funny to not.

During game 1 against Washington, the point guard took an elbow to the face and one of his front tooth went flying across the court. Now, I personally would have dropped to the floor and screamed like a baby, but not Thomas. He picked up the tooth and kept playing.

Thomas did go off the court to have the tooth “re-positioned” by the team doctor and returned to the game, which the Celtics came back to win after starting off being down 16-0 in the first. So while Sunday was actually probably a pretty good day for Thomas with 33 points and 9 assists, I imagine Monday morning’s trip to the dentist won’t be too fun. [via Bleacher Report]

Will deFries

How do I know Will had a bad weekend? Actually, I don’t – but I know he would have had a much better one if he was at Chicago’s Huntley High School on Saturday night…because that was when the Chainsmokers randomly showed up at their prom.

The duo was playing a show at the Allstate Area across the street from the Hyatt Regency hotel, where the school was holding their prom. According to TMZ, a student from the school contacted the band’s management a few weeks ago to schedule the surprise show and didn’t tell his classmates, although the Principal Scott Rowe was in on it. For reasons I don’t understand, the DJ/producer comboof Andrew Taggart and Alex Pall actually agreed to pop in before their gig and shock the crap out of a room to teenagers.

Well, maybe you can ask them to attend your next birthday party, Will? [via TMZ]

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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