Everything You Should Stuff Your Fat Face With On The Fourth

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Everything You Should Stuff Your Fat Face With On The Fourth

Sup fam. Happy Fourth of July Weekend. Since we all love food and getting drunk, what better way to prepare than by breaking down the best foods to eat on America’s Birthday. We are all disgusting pigs and I love each and every one of you. I hope to eat everything on this list in very large quantities while sitting by a body of water getting sunburnt. What’s a summer body anyways?

Any Form of Meat Skewer

Literally just meat with veggies on a stick. Easy and delicious. Perfect for a grill. Also, is it just me or do these seem relatively healthy? You’re welcome #fitchicks of America.

Chicken Wings

What is the 4th of July without some messy chicken wings? If you leave a party and you’re not dripping BBQ or buffalo sauce all over your shirt you are doing something wrong. Even though I am usually Team Boneless, if I am at a BBQ, I want to burn off my fingers eating wings straight off of the grill. Or if you are boring and friendless just go to Hooters; I’m sure they’ll be open.


Obvious, I know. But so delicious you really can’t go wrong. Maybe throw some bacon on that bad boy. Or some avocado. Or maybe stuff them with cheese so when you bite into them the cheese just oozes everywhere and drips down your face as you eat it and your hands are just covered in grease and cheese…. This is turning into Burger Porn, sorry.

Pulled Pork Sandwiches

You can make these in a crock pot so like, easy as hell and super delicious. Also very messy but I am here for it. I am actually making these for my own 4th of July Extravaganza and I will be holding a sandwich in one hand and holding a Budweiser America beer in the other hand for a good portion of the day. Whatever.

Potato Salad

I am an avid mayo hater but I love the shit out of some potato salad. Loaded baked potato salad to be exact. Just in case potatoes smothered in mayo isn’t enough for you fatass grease monkeys you can add cheese and bacon. We are disgusting. No wonder everyone hates us.

Macaroni and Cheese

Pasta covered in a shitload of cheese. Doesn’t get more American than that. Carbs on carbs on carbs on carbs. We are the United Carb States of America, and I am damn proud. Bury me in macaroni and cheese. Please.


If you aren’t eating some form of fruit pie this weekend, I am sorry for you. Pie is my favorite dessert ever. I am planning on making a basic AF berry pie with the top crust lookin’ like a flag- please pray to the pie gods for me. I am basically Lauren Conrad.

Hot Dogs

Ugh, I know these are so gross if you actually think about what they are made out of, but FUCK they are good. Maybe wrap some dogs up in bacon before grilling them if you want to be fancy and disgusting. Or better yet, CHILI CHEESE DOGS. Hell Yeah Fuckin’ Right. Going to Sonic after work now. Those coneys are the shit.

Any and All Dips

My favorite drunk food of all time is any form of chips and dip. Queso, guacamole, ranch, salsa, 7 layer, French onion, pimento cheese- the list can go on forever. There is nothing better than sitting around wasted just dipping some chips into some dip and shoveling them into your mouth. Sign. Me. Up.

Jell-O Shots

I mean, these aren’t really a food but you eat them and they might get you drunk and they are fun to pass around. ‘Merica.

What’s missing from this list? Coleslaw. Because it’s fucking disgusting. You’re welcome. You won’t miss it.

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