Gil Humplestead is a 23-year-old recent college graduate who finally got his first real job as a Junior Marketing Assistant Coordinator with Incorporated Partners & Co. Today, he chronicles his efforts to enforce a company-wide weight loss initiative.
What the fuck is up, my man? God, it’s been too long. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown after my date with Stacy blew up in my face. I felt really crummy about it, because no successful person has ever had a nervous breakdown before, especially over a broad. I thought Stacy was the one, Diary. I thought she was the one. I was wrong. I spent months trying to recover, but hit rock bottom and the Bonesled sat empty during springtime.
After a few more “encounters” with Clara, that wildebeest from the office (lol ya, you know the one), I finally had regained some confidence. After three trips on the Bonesled, I told Clara to take a walk, permanently. I deleted her number out of my phone and started making weight jokes around her in the office, which in turn led to a sensitivity training seminar with HR a few Wednesdays back. I told them that I understood my behavior was inappropriate, but also that I was simply just trying to help Clara in her weight loss journey by using negative reinforcement, like Anthony Melchiorri on “Hotel Impossible.”
This then led to a discussion about a weight loss program in the office. I told HR that it was a “drastic measure worth taking to preserve the physical, mental and sexual integrity of the office.” They ate that line up. I then dropped all sorts of know-how on them about how starting a corporate weight loss initiative will not only improve company morale, but cut down on healthcare (OBAMA) costs. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of Uncle Sam taking a big bite out of my paycheck every two weeks. A man such as myself likes seeing four figs in his bank account. I’m just trying to help out the country. This kind of stuff could help me if I ever decide to run for congress in the future (Spoiler alert: I will).
So, I sat down with corporate the next week to discuss our plans for our new “No fat people” corporate policy. Of course, Terry had to stick his fat nose into the situation, because he still doesn’t trust me. I’m sorry, Terry. Who created $12k worth of revenue in the last two quarters,? That’s right. Gil did. So, Terry showed up with his heavy breathing and a grease stain on his Kirkland Signature button downs. Out of everyone in the office, Terry could use some time on the elliptical. The guy’s gut has gotten out of control. His New Year’s weight loss resolution crashed and burned after I sent him that article on how to get more food at Chipotle for free. Dude eats there five times a week now and just throws away his lunch that his wife made him.
I was running point on the meeting and even came up with a baller PowerPoint. The true power brokers of America make their name in the boardroom, so Conference Room B would have to do for now. I started out the presentation by giving my opening remarks.
“Members of the board…”
Before I could even get that out, Terry interrupted me to let me know that there weren’t any members of the board present and how he hoped this wouldn’t take that long. Whatever. I had scheduled the meeting at 11:45 on purpose, because that’s around the time Terry starts his two-hour feeding process he likes to call “lunch.”
“Distinguished members of IPC, colleagues and Linda from HR, thank you for joining me today. As you may have noticed, the average weight of our office has exploded to over 300 lbs. I mean, we’ve got some real whales shuffling around this place. I’ve compiled a PowerPoint presentation for you…”
INCORPORATED PARTNERS & Co. CORPORATE WEIGHT LOSS INITIATIVE 2014: Cutting the Fat
- Office health has become a primary issue at IPC. The office is too fat.
- The office refrigerator has three, month-old pizza boxes sitting in it. One just has crusts in it.
- I will introduce a three phase plan to make IPC a healthier, happier, profitable business.
- A mandated fitness and nutrition program will decrease company healthcare costs and increase employee welfare.
PHASE I: Slimming (Weeks 1-4)
- Corporate will provide healthy, in-office snack alternatives.
- All existing unhealthy snacks in the break room (Pop Tarts, Mountain Dew, microwavable Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches) will be consumed by any employee weighing over 250 lbs. in plain view of the office. We will designate this “Shame Day” and it will last until all unhealthy snack options are eliminated.
- All employees will be given a $10/month gym membership stipend to Planet Fitness where they’ll go see my trainer, Tyrone, at least three days a week for a two-hour workout. Tyrone will tell me which employees fulfilled their workout quota at the end of each week. If employees do not meet their weekly quota, they will be forced to eat lunch shirtless in the office.
- DVD sets of season three of “The Biggest Loser” will be distributed to each employee.
- The office thermostat will be set at 90-degrees at all times.
PHASE II: Cutting (Weeks 5-8)
- Workout sessions with Tyrone will be increased to five “two-a-day” workouts a week, lasting no fewer than 90 minutes.
- The only breakroom snacks available will be Muscle Milk, black market Jack3d, and No-Xplode.
- Employees will be given a fitness test each Monday, requiring them to run up 50 flights of stairs in 15 minutes, and do 25 push-ups in less than one minute. Any employee who fails this test will take a 10% dock in pay on their next paycheck.
PHASE III: Continuation (Weeks 9-???)
- At this point in the program, all IPC employees will be 100% jacked.
- Any employee that has not lost 15% of their body weight will be forced to eat an entire Pizza Hut Dinner Box, while being filmed by me. The video will then be edited to play in black and white and slow motion. The video will be played on a loop on the conference room TV until they’ve met their weight loss goals.
- Employees who continue the program will receive discounted gym membership.
- IPC will assist Gilbert T. Humplestead in pitching a successful, viral, corporate documentary on the IPC fitness program.
- Make everyone healthy, make money.
- Spend less money replacing chairs.
- Audible wheezing, coughing and breathing will be eliminated, making for a less distracting work environment.
- Cut down elevator usage.
- Attractive workforce for recruiting younger, sexier employees.
It went over well. They said they’d let me know. I can’t wait for my next promotion. I think “Gilbert T. Humplestead: VP of Health & Wellness” will look good on a business card.
Now, we wait.
–Buying Work Clothes
–First Sales Call
–The Office Party
–Hazing The Interns
–Company Chili Cookoff
–The Holiday Party
–Crushing It In 2014
–Getting a Raise
–Coming Up With a Business Plan
–The Blind Date