Breaking Down All The Things I’m Too Old For Now That I’ve Turned 25

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Breaking Down All The Things I’m Too Old For Now That I Turned 25

I turned 25 last Friday. However, while my body and mind are clearly aging like a tuna sandwich in the sun, my decision-making skills are still just where they were before this milestone birthday. I refuse to start making smart and mature life choices merely because of my age, and I won’t be pressured into it by lists such as Vice’s “25 Things You’re Too Old for Now That You’re 25.” My responses are in italics.

1. Doing drugs to impress people.
This is absolutely correct. I am a grown man who doesn’t care about peer pressure or what people will think of me. I do drugs because that is my choice as a strong independent adult.

2. Being ID’d.
I don’t think I really have a say in this one. I mean, yeah, I have a beard and look well over 21, but bouncers are going to ID us all until we turn 50. I did manage to buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket without getting checked, though, and that was nice.

3. Eating bread with wild abandon.
I ate back-to-back lunches on Sunday, so this advice can suck it. If I want to eat a BBQ burger and then get Chipotle ten minutes later when I’m still hungry, I will. I refuse to comply with the unrealistic standards the media is putting on male physiques.

4. Trying to understand “young people music.”
Okay, Vice. I’m 25, not 65. I regularly listen to the “Fresh Finds” Spotify playlist and have my little brothers send me fire beats. I mean, I don’t like anything I hear but at least I’m not out of the loop like a chump.

5. Drinking Four Lokos.
I don’t think anyone has drank one of these beautiful meth/booze combos since I was in college, but that has less to do with age and more to do with them being banned and reduced to a shell of their former selves. If someone hit me up with an offer to drink an old school Four Loko, I would still jump at the chance (and wake up in jail 24 hours later with a hangover I can only assume would be the death of me).

6. Panicking about using an ATM.
Using an ATM? Okay, Moneybags McGee. I’m all about that credit life, son. I work at a bar while putting myself through school. Do you really think I have the luxury of spending real money? Cash is for strip clubs and casinos, and my life (sadly) involves neither. Plus my reckless spending gives me airline points so I can fly to any city in the world (named Cleveland or Pittsburgh).

7. Experimenting with a haircut.
If anything, this is the age where it’s time to start experimenting, and by experimenting, I mean, “desperately trying to find a hairstyle that covers your receding hairline.” When I was 20, I rocked a buzz cut every day because it was zero hassle and I still got laid. Now? It takes me a thirty-minute consultation with my hairdresser and three different products to make it look like I’ve got a thick swoop of hair.

8. Dating anyone under 22.
Although the “half your age plus seven rule” allows me to hook up with up with 19 year-olds, I would never date them. If you can’t legally go to the bar, what are we even going to do together? Going out to drink is my only hobby, and if you can’t get in, this isn’t going to work.

9. Engaging in small talk.
This seems like the opposite of true. The older you get, the more you’ll be thrust into situations where small talk is the only talk. At a college party, it wasn’t uncommon to see a group of recent strangers swapping horrifying hook up stories to the amusement of all. Try that at your next work happy hour and see how it goes for you.

10. Taking the subway.
If you want to spend more money to sit in traffic while I actually arrive at my destination for a chill $2.50, be my guest. Public transportation is the tits.

11. Shopping at the mall.
I would amend this to shopping anywhere outside of your home. I just ordered a sweet new quarter zip for the fall while lounging on my couch. Fuck going outside and interacting with other humans.

12. Having terrible friends.
My friends are all degenerate pieces of shit and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Otherwise, how could they possibly enjoy hanging out with me?

13. Bad one-night stands.
Without one-night stands, what would we all talk about at brunch? The good/bad/ugly hookup stories are fodder for group chats and over-priced brunch alike. No one wants to hear stories about my girlfriend and I going apple-picking (just kidding, babe, I had so much fun! Sorry again for watching football on my phone the whole time).

14. Spring break.
Sadly agree.

15. Late-night bars.
Yes, 90 percent of the time I close down a 4 a.m. bar, I regret it and hate myself. But damn it if I don’t live for that 10 percent of the time it’s worth it. The stories and experiences you’ll get at the end of a night that should never have happened are the ones you’ll remember. My biggest regret to this day is when I called it a night early and missed out on seeing my buddy make out with a senior citizen who’s dentures fell out during the act. The Snapchats just don’t do it justice.

16. Hangovers.
Shut the fuck up. If the solution really was to “literally just drink a glass of water and maybe eat a banana,” like you claim, no one would be hungover. Who ever wrote this list probably drinks three light beers and then calls it a night. Also, bananas suck. I said it.

17. Waiting in line.
What VIP connection does this guy have at the DMV that I don’t? Shit, if you don’t have to wait in any lines anymore after 25, hook a brother up with your secrets.

18. Kissing bartender’s asses.
My attitude with bartenders ranges from polite and concise to polite and rambling depending on my level of intoxication, so I guess I will continue not kissing their asses.

19. Not having the heat on.
Agreed. I keep my apartment at a pleasant 74 degrees all winter long. I hate being cold, I hate having to bundle up inside, and I don’t care that my roommate hates me for it. Fuck Chicago winters.

20. Festivals.
I wrote an article titled “I’m Too Old For Festivals” when I went to Lollapalooza in 2015. Guess where I was in 2016? Back at Lollapalooza. Guess where I will likely be in 2017? You’re never too old to get fucked up in the sun and listen to music. Stop judging.

21. Using cheap presents.
I mean, yeah, a $10 Panda Express gift card isn’t going to change my life, but I’m not going to turn it down like an asshole. If you’re too good for free shit of any kind, you’re not someone I want to associate with.

22. Reading blogs.
Very funny, guy.

23. Pregnancy scares.
After 25, I think it’s just called “having a kid,” so yeah, these days are over. I may not have my life together, but I can afford plan B. Or I guess I could start wearing condoms.

24. Any text longer than 200 characters.
I routinely send page long texts and will double or triple-text you to punctuate my story, so I can’t really take a stand against this. Also, I’m probably bored at work and would welcome a brief break in my day to read something that’s not an excel sheet.

25. Fingering.
Damn right. I’m 25 now. I can legally rent a vehicle. I don’t have time to warm a girl up before we get down to business. Cheers to the next 25 years.”

Image via YouTube

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