Bieber’s Dick Though

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Well, we saw Justin Bieber’s dick this week. We saw the whole dick. Balls, too. From a couple different angles. While vacationing in Bora Bora, Biebs stepped outside his luxury bungalow to take in a nice sea breeze on his penis and testicles and butthole. His dick stole the show, though. It wasn’t a bad dick, either. Biebs has a decent dick. That’s real.

Oh, poor Biebs. What an invasion of privacy. He should be able to walk around naked outside without the ‘razzi creeping out of shrubbery and dropping out of trees Mission Impossible-style to snap pics of him and blasting his dick all over the internet. Right?


I have a theory about these photographs, and I’m about 99% sure it’s true. This was no accident. It was a calculated move by Biebs. He knew it would break the internet, get everyone talking about him. He chose a post-sex dick jaunt to his balcony, when it was still looking fresh, obviously. He wanted you to see his dick. And he wanted you to see it on his terms. Don’t buy it? Think about it.

If you’re as famous as Justin Bieber, you live in a world that follows your every move, wants to know what you’re up to at all times, your latest look, your hairstyle, who you’re with, etc. You live under the constant and perpetual assumption that the ‘razzi is all around you, all the time. Because, basically, they are. Biebs knows this. He grew up in this biz. His dick is on the internet because he wanted his dick to be on the internet.

If you’re Justin Bieber and live in his world, you simply do not walk outside in broad daylight in your birthday suit unless you want the world to see your crank. End of story. The second level to my theory is this: The photographer who landed these shots was a hired gun by Biebs’ team. He was methodically placed by Biebs — just far enough away to not get a super clear shot, but close enough to let the world know what he’s working with.

I’m pretty sure Biebs handpicked which pictures were released, too. He chose the ones where his dick looked the best. The rest were burned and will never see the light of day. The ass shot, the one where his bony, white guy ass is facing the camera, is brilliant. It’s called throwing the hounds off his trail. It’s unflattering, sure, but it’s just a cheap ass shot. “Why would he let us see that skinny ass, though? No way he wanted these to get leaked.” Exactly! I see you, Biebs.

Here’s another thing: You’re supposed to peep that hangdown. It doesn’t make you gay, or weird, or a perv. It makes you human. I’d argue it actually makes you weird if you don’t look. It’s Justin Bieber! You never pass up the opportunity to look at a famous dick.

Bieber’s dick is one of the most famous dicks on the planet. He’s no doubt in the top 5 — in a group with like Leo, Cristiano Ronaldo, LeBron, and Caitlyn Jenner. That dick has seen some things. You look at it. Bottom line. Bieber walks up to the urinal next to you and pulls out his thing. You’re not looking? Okay, idiot. Biggest regret of your life.

I also urge everyone not to get carried away about Biebs having a good sized dick. Yeah, it’s not bad, as I said, but you must be mindful that this dick is juxtaposed against a 5’6″, 130-lb. frame. He basically has a child’s body. It’s slightly above proportional. That’s all.

Put that dick on a frame like Shaq’s, or just an average sized grown man, and Bieber’s a laughing stock. His dad is a fan, though.

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