The one-liner is how this whole mess was started. Students of history know that PGP began as a Twitter account back in 2011, and now here we are. Even though you have to click a little tab that says “Wall”, the one-liner remains a fan favorite. Here are the most popular from 2015.
1. My life goal is to be so successful that it hurts my ex girlfriend’s feelings. PGP.
It’s important to set goals for yourself. I don’t know what level of success you need to reach to hurt your ex’s feelings, but I imagine it involves driving a Miata with the topdown while smoking menthol cigarettes and blaring “Back To Back.”
2. Forgetting the attachment. PGP.
Classic. It’s not even embarrassing to forget an attachment anymore. It happens to everyone.
3. I’ve never been asked for proof that I graduated. PGP.
Nobody has. Put Harvard on your rezzy and learn a few quotes from Good Will Hunting. 6-fig city, population you.
4. My paycheck feels like a participation award. PGP.
You gotta start somewhere. What’s that? You’ve been there for 3 years? Oh…
5. When your weekend plans are either “catch up on sleep” or “get blackout drunk.” PGP.
Pretty much your only two options. No middle ground.
6. Patiently waiting for all the baby boomers to retire so we can all just work from home everyday. PGP.
I’d love to be on the couch drinking coffee while screaming at The Price Is Right.
7. CCing your boss on an email is the adult version of being a tattletale. PGP.
Straight out of Machiavelli’s playbook.
8. Found out my old middle school bully works at Starbucks. I go there twice a week in a suit. PGP.
Boss shit. Good for you.
9. Interviewed a guy who reminded me of myself. I didn’t hire him because I’m a piece of shit. PGP.
Laughed harder when I published this than any other one-liner.
10. You either blackout a hero or drink long enough to see yourself become the villain. PGP.
Funny and true.
11. Holy shit, I can’t do this for the rest of my life… PGP.
Just until you’re 70.
12. I avoid websites I like at night so I can check them out on work time. PGP.
Makes sense. Need something to look forward to.
13. I want to go to lunch and never come back. PGP.
14. I go to lunch as late as possible just so the day seems shorter. PGP.
This is the oldest trick in the book. By the time you wake up from the food coma, it’s damn near 2 p.m.
15. I’m an incredible interviewee but an awful employee. PGP.
It’s all about selling yourself. Not your fault they bought the bullshit.
16. Get me the fuck out of here. PGP.
I like to think that this guy walked out with the double birds high over his head immediately after subbing this.
17. Too old to sit in the student section, too rowdy to be tolerated in the regular seats. PGP.
Preach. I subscribe to the theory that if you’re at a college football game, you should have to tolerate college-aged behavior by everyone.
18. Who is Meek Mill? PGP.
People are still asking this question at this very moment.
19. I have to stop drinking like I’m still in college. PGP.
This is actually a positive one-liner because the author acknowledges he has a problem.
20. Regretting every single time you decided not to go out in college. PGP.
Don’t dwell on that past. If you do, you’ll end up smoking crystal meth while blaring “Semi-Charmed Life.”
21. Just realized I read and enjoyed an article ranking types of milk. PGP.
I’ve always been a 2% kind of guy.
22. At what age do I start having hobbies other than drinking? PGP.
All of your other hobbies will involve drinking. Especially golf. Golf is an enabler.
23. I’ve worked here for 2.5 years. I’m 26. My CEO just asked how my internship is going. PGP.
Not trying to blame the victim, but you need to make a name for yourself. Push all your chips in and go for broke. Hail Mary. Earn some respect around that place.
24. Today’s my birthday. I told no one. PGP.
My office manager brought me a bottle Maker’s Mark for my birthday, but I work at a frat blog. I completely understand not wanting 40 strangers and acquaintances to sing you happy birthday.
25. Strategically orienting your monitor so coworkers cannot see you freely surfing the Internet. PGP.
This should be your first move. You can’t live and work in a constant state of paranoia.
26. Younger me envisioned adulthood involving a lot more money and a lot more sex. PGP.
There’s still time to make more money and have more sex. It can be done.
27. Finally have three years of work under my belt, so I can now apply for other entry level jobs that required 3-5 years of experience. PGP.
Sadly not even an exaggeration. Is it more defeating to be a 22-year-old applying to jobs that 28-year-olds are, or 28 competing with kids right out of college?.