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An Honest Application For The Bachelor

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THE BACHELOR: GIRL QUESTIONNAIRE

Today’s Date: 01/03/2014

Name: Caitlin Warren

Do you have a nickname and where does it come from?
Yes, Catie. It comes from Caitlin. Wait. What?

Location: Austin, Texas

What is the next big city near you and how far is it: 
I don’t know how to read maps, so, next question.

Email: catie@grandex.co

Height: 5’6

Weight: LOL #bye

Birth Date: November 9th

Age: 23

Hair Color:
Brown. Thinking about going blonde but I just don’t know if I’m ready for that sort of commitment. I am, however, ready for marriage. I’m ready for that.

Eye Color: Green

How did you hear about our search? I’m a single female. I fucking live for The Bachelor. What is this ridiculous question?

Have you ever applied for the show before? If so, when?
Yes, when I was drunk one night my senior year of college. I may or may not have recorded a video that included me crying while singing along to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” In my defense, she had just OD’d and I had just been dumped. There were a lot of emotions.

Are you currently employed? Yes.

What is your highest level of education? Bachelors Degree

Degree(s): History

Where were you born? Germany

Where did you grow up?
All over. I’m an Army Brat. Like, I once had to live in Pennsylvania. They were the worst nine months of my life.

Do you have siblings? How old are they? 
Yes, I’m one of four. My sisters are married. Thanks for reminding me yet again of how alone I am.

Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type?
This question makes me uncomfortable. Per the request of my lawyer, I will not be answering.

Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against someone or had one issued against you?
It was all a big misunderstanding. That’s all I have to say about that.

Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on a reality or other TV or radio show or in a film?
I have auditioned, yes. But for some strange reason that is quite literally beyond my comprehension, I have yet to become famous. It’s about time. I’m ready.

Do you drink alcoholic beverages?
On special occasions…which is every single day.

What’s your favorite drink?
I’m a white, privileged female: vodka soda.

Have you ever been married or engaged?
I wish.

Do you have any children?
No. My womb is literally aching for one though. ACHING.

Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
Because no other way is working. I’m running out of options – and time.

How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they?
I would say one serious relationship, a few normal relationships, and an alarmingly high number of relationships that I’ve completely made up in my mind.

What happened to end those relationships?
I am borderline insane. And they all eventually realized it.

What are your hobbies and interests?
I drink a lot. Like. A lot. So I’d say that’s my main hobby. Others include avoiding the gym, Netflix binges, and planning my wedding on Pinterest. Also, I tweet obsessively. I’m literally live-tweeting this application process. #oh #hashtag

Do you have any special talents? Tell us!
Bedroom or normal? Actually, it doesn’t matter. No to either.

Do you have any tattoos?
I have a Dave Matthews Band quote on my left foot and a fleur-de-lis on my hipbone. Don’t tell my dad.

What accomplishment are you most proud of?
I’m an excellent cyber stalker. Before I go on a first date, it is guaranteed that I have Googled him, found all of his social media accounts, figured out his yearly salary, had a discussion with his boss about his work ethic and healthcare plan, and friend requested his mother on Facebook.

What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship?

A loving partner who will appreciate the good times and soldier through the bad. Someone who understands that marriage is difficult and that we’ll have to work on it every day. A man who won’t give up on us. Someone who is passionate and caring and who would be a loving father and stand up husband. Also, he needs to be at least 6’3 and charming and funny, with the face of Ryan Gosling and the body of Adam Levine. I’d prefer him to make no less than $250,000 a year, with the promise of that being at least doubled by my 27th birthday. I’d like him to be a solid 5-7 years older than I am, but no more than 9. He needs to be patient and allow me to win every fight and get everything I want. I don’t do fake jewelry and I will be requiring fake boobs after I’m finished birthing our future blue-blooded children. Private education is necessary, as is a White Range Rover within two weeks of me announcing my first pregnancy. Bi-monthly Botox sessions will begin on my 29th birthday and will be lasting until I can no longer feel my face. I need the guarantee of at least three children and the promise of no fewer than two boys. I’d prefer someone in the banking industry, but I would settle for an attorney. I also need someone who will encourage me to get excessively drunk at golf tournaments and also be comfortable with the fact that I will definitely stop working as soon as we become engaged. So, I don’t really know why I haven’t found that yet.

Signed: C. Warren
Date: 01/03/2014

P.S. PLEASE PICK ME.

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Catie Warren

Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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