With another week comes another episode of The Bachelor, the Monday Night Football equivalent for women, or the “propaganda films of what kind of dates your girls want you to take them on” for men. Here are a few observations from this week’s episode:
First Group Date
The show begins with Chris Harrison explaining that three people will determine who will go on the dates this week. Everyone’s initial guesses were Jimmy Kimmel (again), Kimberly, and the Farmers Insurance guy, just as a subtle reminder that Chris is a farmer. It turned out that Chris Harrison was talking about Chris’s three sisters.
The first group date was held at a lake, and they drove to it in convertibles. Ashley I. said, “to me, if a guy is driving, it’s one of the sexiest things he can do,” in case you thought your standards were low. About ten minutes into the date at the lake, Ashley I. took off her bikini top and Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottom. However, they were somehow still less censored than Jillian is when fully clothed.
Kelsey felt uncomfortable with everyone undressing, even though Chris wasn’t wearing a top and he has bigger boobs than most of the women on the show (Megan not included, obviously).
Meanwhile, back at the house, Chris’s sisters arrived to meet the women who weren’t on the group date and to see Jillian’s censored backside in person. Seriously, Jillian gets her can censored more than a nudist would. The sisters ended up pulling each girl into another room, one by one, and interviewed them. The sisters asked them things like, “How long was your longest relationship?” and “Would you be okay moving to Iowa?” and “Does it bother you that Chris looks like he can’t open his mouth very wide?”
I would’ve answered “yes” to that last question.
Back at the lake, the girls played red rover, because what else is there to do at a lake? It was here where we learned that Kelsey hates most things, including lakes, red rover, and life.
Chris announced that they would camp at the lake, and Ashley I. said, “I’ve never been camping before. I’m a camping virgin and a virgin camping.” This was the first time this week we heard Ashley I. talk about her virginity, but if you like to hear her talk about it, don’t worry. You’re in for a treat. I’m not sure why Ashley I. wants to win so bad. If she married Chris Soules, she’d become Ashley S., and nobody wants to be Ashley S.
Ashley S. seems like a Saturday Night Live character played by Molly Shannon, if Molly Shannon was on meth. I can’t completely confirm this, but I’m pretty sure Ashley S. spent the night eating tree bark and having conversations with her thumb.
Side note: Ashley I. wears more makeup than Eddie Murphy in Norbit.
Ashley I. has never had a boyfriend, and if this fact shocks you, then you need to go back and re-watch this episode. The girl never stopped talking. If you’re wondering why Chris and Ashley I. are constantly making out when they’re together, it’s because Chris uses a little known technique called “getting a girl to stop talking.” Unfortunately for the viewing audience, Chris didn’t make out with Ashley I. enough. Last week, they kept track of how many times the girls said the word “amazing.” This week, they should’ve kept track of the number of times Ashley I. said the word “virgin.” Ashley I. talks about her virginity more than Jillian gets her butt censored. Heck, Ashley I. talks more about her virginity than Tierra used to talk about her “sparkle.”
During the middle of the night while camping, Ashley I. snuck into Chris’s tent to tell him that she’s never had a boyfriend. I’m sure he was shocked.
The One-On-One Date
Chris’s sisters sent a date card to the house for the girl they picked to go on the one-on-one date with Chris. They chose Jade. With an annoyingly excessive attempt at cross-promotion, stylists dressed Jade up like Disney’s Cinderella (in theaters nationwide on March 13) before sending her to a ball — like, the ball in Disney’s Cinderella (in theaters nationwide on March 13). While Jade got all dolled up, Chris practiced the foxtrot, alone in a large ball room — and yes, it was as awkward as it sounds.
Side note: How mean would it have been if his sisters chose Ashley S.? Chris: “You look like Cinderella.” Ashley S.: “I like Velcro.”
Back at the mansion, all of the girls were hanging out except Ashley I. She put on her ball gown and makeup, because she felt like she should be the one going on the Disney’s Cinderella (in theaters nationwide on March 13) date with Chris.
She ended the night by eating corn on the cob alone on the couch. Real low point. It was especially weird because no one else was eating corn on the cob. Where did Ashley I. get that corn on the cob?
Chris ended up giving Jade a rose and they danced on a platform that seemed a little too small to be dancing on. You could tell Chris practiced that foxtrot.
Second Group Date
For the second group date, the girls were instructed to put on wedding dresses that were sent to the house. Jillian admitted that she felt “out of her element,” saying, “This isn’t what I normally wear.” No shit. The girls hopped on a private jet and flew to San Francisco. They assumed they’d be going on a classy wedding-type date with Chris, but instead, he took them to a MuckFest MS obstacle course, and suddenly Jillian was right back in her element again. “Can I get a quick superset in before we start?” she asked while pumping weights that she brought from home.
The winner of the race would win a one-on-one date with Chris. The girls began the race and apparently Chris was running the race with them, and judging by his pace, he really wanted to win that one-on-one date with himself.
Jillian obviously won the race by a large margin, and as a cool down, she jogged to Los Angeles and back. On the one-on-one date in downtown San Francisco, Chris enjoyed a nice glass of champagne while Jillian downed an entire tub of whey protein. At the end of the date, Chris decided to not give Jillian a rose. It was extremely awkward, mainly because Chris grabbed the rose, held it right in front of her face, and began telling her how beautiful she was before saying, “nahhh.” As she was being rejected, Jillian started crying…I think. It might have just been sweat, because she was probably doing some curls under the table.
At the cocktail party, Megan pulled Chris aside first and pulled a blindfold out of her cleavage. Heck, with that cleavage, she could’ve pulled out an entire tablecloth, amirite? She then carried out a tray full of fruits and chocolate dip. The only thing we learned from this alone time is that Megan doesn’t know how many senses are in the five senses. Speaking of senses, I’m pretty sure Ashley S. has a sixth sense, because there have been countless times where I’m pretty sure she was talking to dead people.
In case you thought it’s been a while since Ashley I. talked about her virginity, don’t worry, she was the next one to pull Chris aside for one-on-one time. She asked Chris, “Tell me what you gathered from our tent conversation the other night.” Just to clarify, she was referring to the conversation she had with Chris in his tent after waking him up in the middle of the night. As a guy who once fell asleep while making out with a girl, I can vouch for Chris that this is a difficult question to answer, considering Ashley I. was trying to connect with Chris while he was half-asleep. Ashley I. went on to tell Chris that she’s a virgin, and all I could think about was that chick from Wedding Crashers. Although, even that chick wasn’t as clingy as Ashley I.
The first rule of Ashley I.’s Virgin Club is to always talk about Virgin Club.
Ashley I. later started crying because she felt like Chris didn’t try to kiss her because she admitted she’s a virgin. However, I feel like Chris didn’t make a move on her because she had been wearing that ball gown for two straight days.
Britt was next up for some one-on-one time with Chris. She confronted him for giving Kaitlyn a rose on the campout group date. Chris was offended that she questioned his judgment — or so I thought. This is what he said, word-for-word: “I guess, uh…I…I see two sides, like, uh, Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are…not…and I don’t…those aren’t…I see the, the Kaitlyn that’s just…uh, you know what I mean. I mean, obviously, I mean, if you like her or dislike her I — I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really…I mean, I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior. You know, but giving roses to people I view is that a maybe…um.” The only person who understood what Chris said was Ashley S. Britt made Chris angry, and I haven’t seen a farmer that pissed since Marty McFly drove into that barn with his Delorean.
The girls who got roses:
Whitney – Good. She’s alright by me. She still looks like the Gone Girl girl, but it’s whatevs.
Carly – Carly’s cool. No problem here.
Meagan – Boobs.
Samantha – Still have no idea who she is.
Mackenzie – Looks like it’s another week without your mommy, Kale.
Kelsey – Red rover, red rover, send Kelsey right over.
Becca – Becca is also a virgin. You’d know this if she could get a word in edgewise with Ashley I. still on the show.
Ashley I. – “Will you accept this rose?” “Yes, but I won’t have sex with it. I’m a virgin.”
Chris Harrison: “Ladies, this is the final rose of the evening.”
Ladies still without a rose: “Yeah, thanks Chris! We can count!”
Britt – “Will you, uh, I, I just want, in the…maybe you…if you don’t think it is a way, in the — I, I would like to…can you just, with me, accept a…for you…a rose?”
Sadly, we said goodbye to:
A brunette girl whose name I can’t remember.
Until next week….
Image via Shutterstock