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A Realistic Holiday Gift Guide

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Now that holiday season is upon us, and Thanksgivakkuh looms disturbingly close (THANKS, Christian calendar), every brand is sharing their respective holiday gift guides to consider for those you love or tolerate in your life. Considering that most of your peers are probably in the same boat as you (going to the gym before drinking so you’re already dehydrated and will get intoxicated way more cheaply and quickly), think twice about blowing big bucks on knick knacks. The following is a more handy and realistic gift guide that will get you through the most expensive season.

Prescription Drugs

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For the friends you actually like, bless them with the gift of uppers, downers and everything in-between. Share the bounty of your psychologist’s blatant indiscretion in the form of Adderall and Klonopin that Dr. Miller knows you pop like gummy vitamins. To be on the safe side, remove any labels bearing your name and replace with a holiday appropriate ribbon.

Regift Anything From An Ex

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That expensive candle they bought you that no longer smells like your tentative New England summer home? Those silver picture frames that survived being thrown across the room? The less expensive jewelry (because let’s be serious, emotions are forfeit when it comes to the good stuff)? Get them out of your apartment and into the stockings of coworkers and cousins alike.

Liquor

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No explanation necessary, as it’s truly the gift that keeps on giving…sometimes well into the next morning, depending on where you wake up.

Starbucks Gift Cards

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Ah, most of white collar humanity’s unifying force – an expensive caffeine addiction. Even if they don’t indulge in one of the few things that makes life palatable, they can blow it all on cake pops or some other bastardization of carbohydrates.

Blowjobs

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That congenial feeling worth more than any of the muffled words that will be coming out of your mouth <3

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sarahsolfails

Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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