If you’re like me, you love two things in life: wasting time mindlessly on social media and whining about minutia for no reason. It’s part of our DNA as privileged American youth (I’m still a youth at 25, right?) to complain about how our Uber driver went a circuitous route to the bar, or how the bartender didn’t put enough Tito’s in my drink. Meanwhile, we could have just as easily been born in Pyongyang or Greenland. Life’s pretty good for us, and yet we complain about basically pointless stuff, and honestly, I can’t get enough of it.
Everyone loves complaining about microscopically important social media platforms; it’s like the millennial national past time. It all began when we were in high school and Facebook changed their platform every few years. Everyone threw a fit, statuses denouncing Zuckerberg raged for like two and a half days, and then bingo bango, we were all used to the new platform. They made changes that I’m sure we didn’t think we needed at the time, but smarter heads than us decided we needed them to try and improve the experience.
Having said that, there are always fixes across apps we’ve clamored for (looking at you, dislike button) and have not yet received. This week, John covered Instagram adding the feature of zooming. To be honest, I barely knew I needed that. I open Instagram approximately 6.9 times per day, and I probably wished for the zoom feature twice a month. But they gave it to us and now I’m sure I’ll use it on
TFM Girls Tom Brady’s outfits all the time.
It did get me thinking, though. With Instagram adding the zoom feature, is it now without flaws? No. And neither are the other stand by social media weapons. So here are what I think are the top fixes for the big four: Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram.
Is it the dislike button? No, no it’s not. They added those other emotions and honestly it stuns me when anyone uses the emotions other than the “like” button. Legit boggles my mind. But maybe I’m just lazy and would rather click the “like” than go hunting for some fakakta emotion.
The key fix for Facebook, though – and what I believe will enhance the user experience – is the ability to recognize political or sports posts/debates, and completely make them disappear from your timeline if you don’t want them on there. I want to exclusively see pictures of people who I never speak with but want to stalk. Oh, and engagement announcements. (Kidding).
First of all, if you’re not on Twitter, you’re a chump. Get on Twitter, the fastest moving news feed on the planet. Give yourself adult-onset ADD. It’s exhilarating and you’re missing out. So hop on Twitter, follow the peej crew (we’re all hilarious), and enjoy.
The main fix for Twitter – which may or may not help their plummeting stock – is giving us the option to edit tweets. If you’ve got a good tweet in the pipeline, you can’t wait to fire it off. Twitter fingers like a pick-pocket. And nothing is more soul-crushing than when you re-read it after you’ve published it and you see a glaring error. Some people (me) will quickly try to delete it and re-write it. The conundrum comes if it gets likes/retweeted before you catch the mistake. If this happens, you’re fucked. Facebook has given us the edit feature. It’s time Twitter jump on board.
We’ve heard all about bringing back the “best friends” feature so we can see who’s shtupping who and blah blah blah. Yeah, sure, that’s fine. But not nearly as pressing as the need for Snapchat “groups.” Right now we’ve got two options: posting to the story, or manually adding every single fricking person by hand. And that sucks. And you miss people. You have a good inside joke for your college crew? You should have a pre-defined “college group” where you’ve added people to that group and you can mass send it to that group. Saves you all the time in hand-picking recipients one by one.
Did I just make Snapchat a billion more dollars? Yes. Yes, I did.
Instagram is the social media app closest to perfection. But it ain’t flawless. Click on Instagram. Go to someone’s profile. Underneath their bio, it says “Follow by” and then lists mutual friends who follow that person. Only after three names listed, it says “+ X more.” Do you know how to find out who those other people are?
If you guessed “you can’t” you’d be right. You try like hell to click on the “+ X more” and nothing happens. And every time you go onto someone’s profile and you see the “+ X more” you still go back and try and click on it. You do it, I do it, we all do it. We know nothing will happen, and yet we still try to do it.
Instagram, if you’re listening, let us see who follows who! Twitter lets us do it. Facebook too. Let us know, Instragram. Let. Us. Know.
I just made these companies infinity more shekels. If you work for one of these apps, make the changes. You can Venmo me when the dollars start flowing..