A Dude’s Breakdown of “The Bachelorette” Finale

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A Dude's Breakdown of "The Bachelorette" Finale

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Alright, folks. We’ve spent nearly a full day of our lives over the past ten weeks watching JoJo’s journey to find love on this season of The Bachelorette, and this finale was truly the flaming bag of dog crap on top of the horse crap sandwich that has been this season. After narrowing her field of potential prenup signers husbands down to two, JoJo is faced with a nearly impossible choice. Does she want to spend the rest of her life with the former athlete with the tight pants who she loves, or the former athlete with the tight pants who she loves? This week, Jordan and Robby meet JoJo’s family and have their final two dates before the Final Rose Ceremony. Let’s break it down.

Jordan Meets the Parents

Apparently, the producers had the same sentiments as me at the end of the season and made the squad’s final destination Phuket, Thailand. It’s fun to say, and there will be plenty of hookers for whoever gets sent home at the Final Rose Ceremony, so I’d say this was a win-win decision all around. The episode begins as JoJo is reunited with her family once they arrive in Thailand. As she greets MomJo, DadJo, BroBro 1, BroBro2, and SisJo, she tells them that she’s in love with both of the remaining dudes. “Not this shit again,” DadJo mumbles. MomJo is silent, mostly because the silicone in her lips is rapidly expanding in the Thai heat, preventing her from speaking. And breathing.

Jordan is the first to meet the FamJo. As a greeting gift, he stopped at a souvenir shop and bought hats for everyone. “I thought it would be fun to play dress up!” he explains. The BroBros exchange frightened glances. “Maybe we shouldn’t have been such assholes to Ben after all. At least he could make sentences,” they communicate telepathically to one another. MomJo takes some time to talk to Jordan alone. She looks fierce in a pair of tight white jeans, and I wonder if Robby has noticed that they’re missing from his suitcase yet. As it turns out, her idea of a chat was less like a conversation and more like an aggressive contract negotiation. “YOU NEVER BREAK JOJO HEART!” she screams at him. Too frightened to respond to the agitated she-bot in front of him, Jordan simply nods in silent agreement.

As MomJo leads a shell-shocked Jordan back to the rest of the family, his balls clenched tightly in her claws, she releases him from her grasp and takes a moment to talk to JoJo. “I like Jordan a lot,” she tells JoJo. “Actually, he’s too likable. You’re both the life of the party. Don’t you want to always be the center of attention? If you marry him, you’re going to have to fight him for the spotlight. Is that the kind of life you want to live, JoJo?” At home on her couch, Kris Kardashian raises a wine glass to her television set and shouts, “Preach, sister!”

During his solo interview, Jordan tells the cameras how important it is for him to ask DadJo for his blessing to marry JoJo; however, during their man-to-fuckboy conversation, Jordan gets too distracted by DadJo’s resemblance to the old man emoji to muster up the balls to ask for JoJo’s hand in marriage, mostly because he can’t feel them after MomJo’s death grip. He’s not entirely convinced she didn’t pop one of those puppies off; either that or he doesn’t actually want to marry JoJo that badly. Jury is still out, methinks. However, as Jordan leaves for the night, JoJo tells the cameras that she’s positive that Jordan got permission to pop the question. I’m guessing once JoJo learns the truth, Jordan will learn that she has a similar grip strength to her mother.

Robby Meets the Fockers Fletchers

I feel like when you’re meeting the family of a woman to whom you’re considering proposing, you may want to avoid wearing a wifebeater. Robby chose to ignore this advice. As soon as Robby walked into the Fletcher’s Thai Airbnb, he turned on his Hallmark-quality charm. He lays the charm on thicker than Ashely I. piles on her makeup. Apparently, his antics had a different effect on JoJo’s family than they did on me; instead of silently weeping and wishing things were different, the Fletchers fawned over Robby. I don’t get it. Is he some sort of wizard? Is that why his hair never moves?

Just as she did with Jordan, MomJo corners Robby. She’s more gentle with him, simply asking if he’s willing to commit to JoJo. He tells her that his intentions are to propose, and he wants to center his life around Jojo. Jesus Christ, this is delusional. However, seeing as MomJo is likely not a sane person, she eats this shit right up. “I’m giving you a princess,” she tells Robby. “I want you to make her the queen of your heart.” Excuse me while I extinguish a campfire with my face or jam a fork into the nearest power outlet; I need to find some distraction from the disgust that is pouring from every pore in my body at this moment. I can’t take this asshat much longer. I wish Chad were around to punch Robby in his stupid face. Hell, I’d let Chad punch me in the face if it would make this shit stop.

As the day progressed, JoJo asks her family what they think about Robby. One of her BroBros pipes up, saying, “Robby seems like a genuinely great guy. He’s definitely in love with you. Can he stay for dinner? If we run out of chairs around the table, there’s always a seat for him on my face.” BroBro number 2 nods vigorously in agreement. MomJo and DadJo are equally impressed. “With Robby, there are no red flags,” they tell JoJo. Are we watching the same show? There are all the red flags. There are so many red flags, for a moment I thought we were in China, not Thailand. Sure, Robby will never cheat on JoJo, but there’s no guarantee her body won’t end up in his deep freeze or that he won’t cut off her face to wear as a mask if his spa runs out of his favorite exfoliating cream.

Towards the end of the date, Robby speaks to MomJo and DadJo privately. He launches into a long-winded, romantic, and meaningful monologue; I would have taken notes on it, but he started off by calling JoJo “Joelle Hannah Fletcher” so instead, I was lying on the ground in the fetal position gagging violently. It was like the time I got food poisoning from Subway in 8th grade, only worse. I regained control of my body in time to hear Robby ask the ParentJos for their blessing to marry Joelle Hannah; DadJo was so moved by this that he started crying. I can’t tell if these are tears of happiness for JoJo, or tears of sadness for the BroBros, who now may lose their shot at being with Robby.

Once her family had met both of the final contenders, JoJo asked them for their thoughts. MomJo is the first to speak up, telling her daughter, “I really like Jordan. But…I love Robby. He’s husband material, I mean he asked your father and me for permission to marry you.” It takes JoJo a second to process this. “Wait,” she starts. “Dad, did Jordan ask for your blessing?” MomJo tries to interject with another praise of Robby, but JoJo wasn’t having it. “Shut your whore mouth, I’m talking to Dad!” JoJo blurts out. As the realization that Jordan did not, in fact, ask for permission to propose, JoJo activates her signature move of this season: crying like a drunk baby.

One of the BroBros tries to defuse the situation, asking JoJo where her eager defense of Jordan is coming from. “You know,” he continues, “if Jordan had this kind of coverage in the NFL, he may not be a former quarterback.” JoJo’s breakdown continues. “I’m just really stressed! This is so much harder than I expected; I never knew I would fall in love with two guys!” For the first time this episode, the camera pans to SisJo. She stares on in silence, and although she doesn’t speak in words, her face tells it all. The shade she throws at JoJo simply screams “Wow bitch, your problems are so hard. I feel so sorry for you. Life has truly been unfair here.” SisJo gets it.

JoJo tells her family that she has concerns about both of the remaining dudes. JoJo and I have that in common. “If I pick Jordan and things get tough and he walks out, I’ll always regret not picking Robby. But If I choose Robby, I’ll always wonder what a life with Jordan would have been like! What if being rich and semi-famouswith Jordan is the life that I’m meant for?” There it is.

Final Date with Robby

Robby gets the first of the final dates. As he climbs into a rickshaw with JoJo, she tells him “We’re going to have a beach day!” ABC must be broke as fuck. The couple makes out during their ride, and I start to pray that their rickety cart flips over; I’ll take anything to make this episode more interesting at this point. JoJo and Robby make out on the beach, and then they make out in the ocean, and then they make out under the ocean. Robby tells the camera, “JoJo came into my life and took over my world.” Seriously dude, stop beating off to greeting cards. This shit is getting old. Do less. “I want her to be the happiest girl in the world,” Robby continues. I’m not sure that Robby would make JoJo the happiest girl in the world, but there’s no doubt in my mind that JoJo makes Robby the happiest girl in the world.

After they tire of sucking face, JoJo asks Robby how he envisions their future. He pulls out the latest issue of Better Homes and Gardens and fires up his “Future Dreams” board on Pinterest. “I have a very specific vision” Robby informs JoJo. “Within the next five years, I see us sitting on our couch with our dog, glass of Sauvignon Blanc in hand with the sound of our kids playing in the background. We’ll get so lost in conversation and in the moment that we’ll burn dinner.”

I’m sorry, but that’s fucking weird. I think JoJo feels the same way, because instead of answering, all she says is “MOM! The meatloaf!” I actually laugh out loud. Well played. But seriously, I’m not sure if I’ll ever love anything enough to be so distracted I burn my dinner. Plus, it’s really hard to burn microwaveable dinners for one. I should go on more dates.

JoJo and Robby leave the beach and head to a suite at the Phuket Marriott. Since this is their last chance to talk before JoJo has to decide who gets the final rose, Robby tells her to ask him any question. She simply asks “How did we get here?” That’s probably not a great sign. JoJo continues, insinuating that her relationship with Robby took off because he was the first dude to tell her that he loved her. To refresh your memory, Robby told JoJo he loved her on their first date. In the real world, all that wins you is a restraining order. However, in Bachelorette world it earns you a spot in the final two, mostly because you’re a safe bet for a backup. The date ends as Robby tells the camera “Maybe I’m blinded by love, but I don’t think I am.” He’s seeing about as clearly as Ray Charles right now.

Final Date with Jordan

For their last date of the season, JoJordan climbs aboard an old wooden ship that looks like it was used in Civil War times; if I’m not mistaken, it’s christened Diversity. They make out for a while until JoJo remembers she’s supposed to be mad at Jordan for not asking her dad for permission to propose. Minor detail. She tells the camera “Jordan is my best friend. He has everything I want in someone that that I want to be with…” The camera cuts off before she finishes her sentence, “…mostly money. Some fame. Not a bad lay either.”

JoJordan hops off Diversity and into a tandem sea kayak. As they paddle ashore, the camera cuts to JoJo brooding on the camera during an interview. “During our overnight, Jordan told me how important getting my father’s blessing to propose was to him, and then when he had the chance to ask, he didn’t. It makes me very concerned. I thought it was so important, and he didn’t do it.”

Once they arrive at the beach, JoJo asks Jordan, “What’s going on in your head?”

Jordan replies, “A lot since meeting your family, actually. It’s unusual, and now I have a headache. Do you have any ibuprofen?”

“Let’s talk about this,” Jojo says.

In this moment, I think we actually get a real glimpse of what life with JoJo would be like. She knows that Jordan didn’t ask DadJo for his blessing, but instead of saying that she’s upset about that, she asks him this series of leading questions. Jordan falls right into what she wants, and he tells her that although he told her parents he wanted to marry her, he never outright asked for their blessing. With this confession, he’s caught. I pour some more wine, thinking of all the different options Jordan has to claw his leg out of this bear trap. With every passing moment, it’s looking like he’s going to have to 127 Hours it.

JoJo finally unleashes her pent up rage. “Jordan, we talked about this during the Fantasy Suite! You told me that asking your future wife’s father for his daughter’s hand in marriage was a moment you’d dreamed about your entire life.” I want to cut her off right there. You can’t hold a dude to what he said in the Fantasy Suite; also no dude dreams of asking their future father-in-law for permission to propose. That’s not a real thing. JoJo continues, “I’m really disappointed and bummed and upset because in two days, if it’s us, and you’re down on one knee, you’re asking me to marry you without my parents’ blessing.”

Finally, Jordan starts to speak up. “JoJo, you know 100% how I feel…”

“You didn’t ask my dad,” JoJo interjects, cutting Jordan off midsentence.

“I didn’t ask because I don’t know where you are. I want to know that it’s going to be me left standing at the end of this before I ask your parents for their blessing!” Jordan expresses. The feeling in his sack must finally be coming back.

“Are you saying that you might not propose to me?” JoJo exclaims, eyes wide with the crazy.

“YOU HAVE ANOTHER BOYFRIEND!” Jordan screams at JoJo. Just kidding, that was me. I screamed that at my television, because for the first time this goddamn season, I am in complete agreement with Jordan. Only in Bachelorette-land is it a red flag to not be completely sure you’re going to propose to someone when they may be receiving a proposal from another dude.

JoJo doesn’t like this one bit; she’s here to find love, not logic, reason, or sanity.

This bullshit continues during the evening portion of their date at the Phuket Mariott. JoJo still has doubts. I’m shocked – she’s questioning her relationship with Jordan? This hasn’t come up at all at any point during this season ever.

On one hand, Jordan is pretty over all of this, but on the other hand, he doesn’t want to lose JoJo. To be completely honest, JoJo is not making a great case for herself being marriage material right now. In the live studio audience of After The Final Rose, Lauren B elbows Ben and whisperers, “See, I told you that you dodged a bullet, asshole,” into his ear.

Jordan continues to try to reassure JoJo. They go in circles, as Jordan insists that he wants to marry JoJo, and JoJo telling him that while she knows he wants to be with her, she isn’t sure if he is ready to be engaged because, apparently, nothing is ever good enough for her. This is stupid and I’m bored. Let’s get to a breakup so we can see some actual anguish. JoJo finally ends the conversation by saying “There’s just a lot in my head right now.” That’s a first.

Diamonds are Neil Lane’s Best Friends

You know how they say diamonds are forever? That’s probably true, but Neil Lane is not forever, and he’s starting to look like he’s rapidly approaching his expiration date. Robby is the first dude to get to pick out a ring. He tells the camera that when he sees the panel of engagement rings, “My heart is exploding with love out of my chest.” I want to rip his heart out of his chest because he insists upon saying shit like that. He goes on, explaining “I need to find a ring that is a representation of my love for JoJo.” Mother of God. Get the biggest rock that won’t make her look like a stripper or a mob wife and be done with it. Robby finally makes his decision, and tells the camera “Acquiring the ring today is incredible.” In fact, it’s so incredible that Robby writes JoJo a note to express his feelings. I hope he brought his Valentine’s Day heart sticker set to add some extra pizazz.

After Robby picks out his ring, Jordan meets with Neil Lane. “Uhhhhhh,” Jordan says. “I’ll go with that one. The sparkly one. Yeah. Cool. Thanks, man.”

People have been making a big deal about the ring choices, but to be honest, I don’t give a shit about them. That’s all I have to say about that.

The Final Rose Ceremony

It seems like the next stretch of eternity is spent watching JoJo, Jordan, and Robby get all dolled up for the Final Rose Ceremony. JoJo stares intently into the distance, Robby fluffs his hair, and Jordan vigorously lint rolls his jacket. This is the part of the episode where I start to get tingly, because the heartbreak is going to happen soon. You know how animals can sense an earthquake before it happens? I think I have the same sensation when I know someone is about to have their shit kicked in on this show. It’s a way less useful skill, but we can’t win ‘em all.

We see a brief cutaway to Jordan with a cell phone; he calls DadJo and MomJo and finally asks for permission to propose to JoJo. How sweet. Following in Robby’s footsteps, he also writes a note to JoJo, albeit in crayon, and the “J” in his name is backward. As the camera shows the dudes getting ready, we see JoJo reading these handwritten notes from them. She cries the entire time. How is she not dehydrated? When she gets to the part where Jordan says he got her family’s blessing she really loses it. I’m about to lose it if ABC doesn’t start making things happen on this show.

Finally, the camera pans to JoJo in a beige dress billowing in the breeze as she stands on a beach. She looks pretty damn fantastic. In the distance, a car approaches. I hold my breath. The first one out is almost certainly going home and the suspense is killing me. The car comes to a halt. The camera flashes back to JoJo’s cleavage. I forget what I’m watching until the car comes back into view and its door opens, and a set of legs with bright blue pants swing out.

It’s Robby.

He confidently walks up to JoJo with a boyish smirk on his face. That’s not going to be there for long. He takes a deep breath and takes JoJo by the hand.

“This is crazy,” Robby says. “It’s a good crazy.” You say that now Robby, but you don’t see the writing on the wall.

He’s clearly nervous. His forehead starts to sparkle in the heat, only because Robby doesn’t actually sweat, he glistens. “Collect yourself,” he whispers to himself.

“Jo, my family adores you. My future longs for you. My heart yearns for you. I undoubtedly love you. My feelings are so deep I’m weak in my knees. I want to be with you forever.”

Cool Robby, I learned how to use a thesaurus in elementary school too. Are you trying to get into the greeting card business? Because if so, that doesn’t seem like a right reason to me. About three words into this monologue, JoJo’s eyes well up. Robby charges through, although it is painfully apparent that these are not happy tears. As Robby takes half a step back from her, JoJo stops him.

“I can’t let you get down on one knee. I can’t take that moment from you,” JoJo stammers. Robby looks confused for a moment, before the weight of her words slam into him like the fat flap of a three hundred fifty-pound person climbing over him to get to their window seat in a crowded airplane.

“I woke up this morning wanting it to be you,” JoJo tells him. “Every day I’ve been wanting it to be you. I fell in love with you, but for some reason my heart is somewhere else.” For a second I think I’m having déjà vu; however, I quickly realize I have heard this exact speech before. For all the grief JoJo gave Ben for dumping her, she just Melania Trump’d his breakup with her and regifted it to Robby.

Robby does a decent job of maintaining his composure. “All I want is for you to be happy, Jo.” You’re not her boyfriend anymore, bro. Cut it out with the Jo business. As Robby pulls out a handkerchief and daintily weeps into its folds, I can’t help but feel odd. It dawns on me this is the first time in two years we’ve seen someone besides Nick V. aka Pubehead McGee cry during a Bachelorette Finale. Maybe change isn’t a bad thing after all.

As JoJo watches Robby leave, she’s crying more than him. I wish I were surprised. “I’m going to miss Robby so much. The only thing getting me through this is the thought of seeing Jordan.” This show is so fucked up.

JoJo wipes her tears and rearranges her chesticles for the millionth time this season. The next limo arrives, and Jordan steps out. He joins her on the beach, and looking into her eyes says, “JoJo, I love you so much. I fell in love with us. You made me believe that love doesn’t need to have scripts. As long as I’m holding your hand and I’m looking into your eyes, things will be okay. I’m going to wake up every morning and choose you.”

JoJo cuts him off. “Can I tell you something first?” she asks.

“This is your show, you dumb bitch. Do whatever the hell you want!” shouts Chris Harrison from the background.

“Jordan, I love you so much. I’ve been waiting to tell you that I love you for so long, and I didn’t want you to get down on one knee before you knew that.”

As soon as those words are out of JoJo’s mouth, Jordan is down on one knee. I’m surprised he did that so quickly; I wouldn’t have expected him to get much practice taking a knee in the league.

“It’s real, JoJo.” Jordan says. “It’s been real. I want to spend my life with you.” Jordan opens the ring box and points the Neil Lane directly at the camera before he finally asks, “JoJo, will you marry me?”

JoJo squeals “Yes!” like a swimming pig before tackling Jordan like a defensive lineman. They spend the next ten minutes of the episode saying “I love you” to each other over and over and over again. It’s touching. Also boring. JoJo pins the final rose on Jordan’s chest and they live happily ever after. Maybe. Probably not.

Well folks, that’s it. After The Final Rose was pretty much useless. What we learned was that Robby coped with his devastation by either drinking bleach or getting veneers, and that Jordan is moving to Dallas to be with JoJo. Unfortunately, there was no reveal of the next Bachelor, which is basically the only reason to watch the after show. Thanks for following along this season, it’s been a blast. Although I’m sad to see another season of The Bachelorette come to a close, it’s time to move on to bigger and better things…and by that I mean Bachelor in Paradise.

Image via John Naffziger

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