Guys, as I peruse your profile on Tinder, I am analyzing everything that you have provided. How close you live to me. Our mutual friends. Our mutual interests outside of Target. How many pictures you have on your profile. How old your pictures look. A complicated mix of perplexities and standards that clouds my mind before deciding to swipe right or left.
- You have only one picture on your profile. You really can’t find more good pictures of yourself? Either that or you’re probably a spam bot. Next.
- How long ago was this picture taken? Was this before or after you had a fierce battle with Chick-Fil-A addiction? Why does it look like it was taken with a Motorola Razr camera phone?
- You are under 21. Bye bye.
- Is that your baby in that picture? That fact that you have included a picture of you with a child is in poor taste by Tinder standards. Is it your own child? A niece or nephew? Did you steal someone’s child? How the heck am I supposed to know?
- There is no way that is really your name. Deavyn? You must hate your parents.
- You have pictures of yourself playing baseball, football and running, but no pictures of your face. You have to be compensating for something. This is not a good sign.
- You’re cute. Let’s check out your info. Yikes, we have 20 mutual friends. That’s 20 people that I don’t want knowing I’m on Tinder.
- Finally, someone that I can handle. Yes, we are a match! He sent me a message! It says, “Hi baby your pretty.” Well, that was fun until my inner grammar-Nazi surfaced.
What goes through your head when you’re Tindering? Let me know in the comments.