I recently had the very ill-advised drunken conversation with this guy about where he saw things going. I mostly blocked the memory, but he said something along the lines of “we’re not going to be bf/gf, sorry.” At first, I was kind of bummed, but after careful evaluation, I’ve decided, he’s wrong. He does actually want to date me. He just hasn’t realized it yet.
1. I went scorched Earth crazy on him, and he still hangs out with me.
I don’t want to bore you with the details, but just kidding, yes I do. I’d had a very bad day at work, and if there’s a better cure for your emotional issues than dick and alcohol, I haven’t found it. So I hit up my ~man friend~ with something v sexual, and we were off to the races! We got drinks, and I assumed I’d just bang away my pain. Instead, I cried to him for forty-five minutes before spending the next two hours hunched naked over his toilet. (Quick reminder: this is the most unflattering position in the human form. So many rolls. Like a damn bakery.) I somehow parlayed the worst hookup in history into a subsequent “wyd” text, like four days later. What kind of masochist would sign up for this? A masochist in love (or I’m better in bed than I thought — jury’s still out).
2. He invited me over to watch a movie and we watched it.
When this man hit send on the “want to watch a movie?” text, I got down to business, and removed every hair on my body from the eyebrows down, as one does. Imagine my surprise, when I showed up to his place, he hit play on “Stranger Than Fiction” and it kept on playing, from beginning to end, while we engaged in some light, non-sexual touching. And then we went to sleep. I’m sorry, but nothing sounds more like a relationship than watching a movie and enjoying a cuddle sesh that never leads to the no pants dance. No.Thing.
3. He told me I looked “actually so pretty” without makeup.
As everyone knows, letting a guy see your face naked for the first time is like letting him see your body naked for the first time, except worse, because the body thing usually happens within four hours. I mean, dates. Whatever. Why? Because telling you your body looks good naked just means he wants to get to business. Telling you your face looks good naked is universal code for “I’m falling in love with you, and can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else.” Look it up. You can’t argue with facts.
4. We talk about ~deep~ shit.
I don’t know about you, but generally when I don’t want to date someone, the only thing I talk to them about is the person I do want to date or like, what I ate that day. Me and the LOML talk about the boring shit like the fights I have with my mom, or why it’s fucking ridiculous that my friend Kelly’s parents still pay her rent, or probably some shit that’s interesting to him, I can’t remember. But we also talk about our whole lives, and about ~all~ life, and the universe, and why we’re here, and our futures, and what we want out of them. I’m a woman of few talents, but reading between the lines is one of them. He either wants to date me, unbeknownst to him, or he’s just another asshole, using me for my conversation, which I refuse to accept.
5. He likes all my social media posts.
Sometimes he even likes them well after I post them, and scientific research shows that if a guy likes your social media posts it means he likes you. It’s in the shape of a goddamn heart for fuck’s sake. That’s not a coincidence. Besides, if he’s able to ~see~ all of my posts that means he’s either creeping me a lot to see what I’m up to OR the ~algorithm~ is showing him all my posts…which means he’s creeping me a lot. Riddle me this: why would you creep someone a lot, and actively make them aware of said creepage via “likes” if you didn’t want to marry them? Try to come up with another explanation. It can’t be done!
6. He invited me to his birthday party.
Sure, lots of people get invited to birthday parties. But how many of them are you sleeping with? Like two? Three, MAX? If he has a roster, this makes me a chart-topper. Sure, we didn’t show up together or anything, but that’s what you do with people you’re already dating, not with people you want to date. Which he does, obviously. You don’t just invite someone to your birthday if you don’t like them. What kind of party would that be? You might say I’m misreading the signals or maybe even assigning meaning to something that isn’t there. But what’s more likely? That I’m misreading the evidence or that he’s misreading his emotions? Think about it.
7. He told me “I don’t know anyone else like you.”
If love is a battlefield, those are FIGHTING words. I’m aware that this could actually just mean he doesn’t know anyone else who’s as obsessed as I am with pop culture passed the age of 15, but it could also be his heart’s words making their way out of his brain’s mouth, ya know? He might think he doesn’t want to date me, but this very obscure sentence that he said one time screams otherwise, and THAT has been replaying itself over and over in my head WAY more than the time he told me he’s not looking for a relationship, so I think we both know which one he meant more.
Try to tell me I’m wrong, haters. I can’t hear you over the sound of my impending “I dos.”.