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7 Absolutely Necessary Crock-Pot Recipes For When You’re Freezing Your Ass Off This Winter

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The silent majesty of a winter’s morn. The clean, cool chill of the holiday air. An asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into your sewer…really quite breathtaking. Winter is upon us. Once the holidays are over, winter still thinks it is necessary to linger around for another three months (four, if you live north of the Mason-Dixon line). Long after the Christmas decorations are put away after staying up until February, you’re still chilled to the bone and it’ll be a while until you thaw out. That’s where food comes in.

Since we’re in the heart of sweater season, you can afford a pack on a few pounds between now and the next time you’ll have to take off your shirt, which will more than likely be at your boss’s Memorial Day barbecue. That’s six whole months. Stuff your face. ‘Tis the season.

Spag and Meat

2 jars spaghetti sauce
1 pound ground beef
1 ounce mushrooms
4 cloves of garlic
2 tbsp olive oil
1/2 cup red wine
1 link (diced) sweet Italian sausage
One package spaghetti

Brown the meat and sausage. Dice the garlic and mushrooms together. Toss it all into the crock-pot and set on low. Drink peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate for six hours. Boil noodles. Consume.

White Boy Chili

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped
2 tbsp olive oil
4 cups chicken broth
2 cans green chiles
2 tbsp oregano
2 tbsp cumin

Roast the chicken for 20 minutes at 450 degrees. Chop up all the veggies. Shred the cooked chicken. Toss everything into the crock-pot. Tell all your friends to bring over beer and eat chili. Drink all your friends’ beer. Kick them out of your house in a fit of drunken rage. Garnish with sour cream and colby jack cheese.

Blown Out Pork Shoulder

1 pork shoulder, at least three pounds
2 cups brown sugar
2 tbsp ground mustard powder
2 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp salt
1 tbsp red pepper flakes
4 cloves garlic (halved)
1 tbsp pepper
2 cups ginger ale
1 cup apple cider vinegar

Combine brown sugar, mustard powder, paprika, salt, red pepper, and pepper in a bowl. Generously rub the pork shoulder. Treat her like a lady. Pour the ginger ale and apple cider vinegar in the crock-pot and place the shoulder ever so gingerly into the crock-pot (fat side facing down). Cook on low for 8 to 12 hours. The longer the better. Shred it. Eat it. Love it.

Smoking Pot Roast (requires grill)

1 chuck roast, at least four pounds
2 tbsp all purpose seasoning (salt, pepper, garlic salt)
1 packet onion soup mix
1 cup beef broth
1 cup red wine
1 cup water
4 gold potatoes, quartered
10 baby carrots

Season the chuck roast with the all purpose seasoning. Grill over charcoal for one hour on low heat (250 degrees). Place broth, wine, water, soup mix, and veggies in the crock pot. Place meat on top of veggie bed. Cook on low for 6 to 8 hours. Drink the rest of the bottle of wine and bring a towel for the meat sweats.

Detroit Wet Wings

5 pound bag of frozen chicken wings
2 tbsp red pepper
1 tbsp salt
1 tbsp pepper
1/2 cup wing sauce
2 cups mango juice
1/2 cup Sriracha

Mix the wing sauce, mango juice, Sriracha, red pepper flakes, and salt and pepper together. Then just dump everything in the crock-pot, mix it around a little bit, and cook on low for 6 to 8 hours. Serve during sports.

Hobo Stew

1 package hot dogs
1 can baked beans
1 can SpaghettiOs
2 tbsp chili powder

If you have $3 and a general lack of caution toward your health, you can make this. Throw it all in the crock-pot and hope no one sees you eating this.

Blackout Cinnamon Apple Cider

1 handle dark rum
1 handle Fireball whisky
1 cup sugar
1 gallon regular ass apple cider
1 tbsp cinnamon

Put the cider on high heat for an hour, then drop it down to medium to keep it nice and hot. Break this one out at parties to create the perfect Christmas bender, but make sure you put a go-pro on someone so you know what happened the next day.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting inappropriately drunk in public.

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