Congratulations, you’ve made it to adulthood. Now for the ultimate question, “Are you seeing anyone?” If your path has looked anything like mine, this question is generally followed by the eruption of laughter. I haven’t been “seeing” or “talking” to someone since the third grade, but that’s not the case for everyone. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes for the postgrad.
The Married Friend
We all have that friend. You know, the one that makes the rest of us look bad. They legitimately have their shit together. They got married when they were 21 and are celebrating their five year anniversary in somewhere like Maui. What a bitch. This is the friend that blows up your Facebook newsfeed with things like “cleaning tips” or “how to paint the perfect stripes.” Don’t even get me started on the fact that their picture is more than likely a grayscale sonogram photo entitled: “Can’t wait to meet our little prince.” Newsflash, no one cares. And the hyphen on your last name just looks ridiculous.
The Divorced Friend
I don’t get, we are only twenty-five! It looks like this friend is on the fast track to their third or fourth marriage by the time they are forty. She got married right after college graduation to the guy that didn’t know how to break up with her, so naturally he proposed. So there was the knock out wedding complete with open bar, thanks for that. Also, thanks for allowing the world to watch your happily ever after unravel via Facebook. I can admit that I selfishly enjoyed all the “anyone can love you when the sun is shining, but in the storm is where you see who really loves you” post. Oh, by the way, I want the toaster I gave you back.
The Engaged Friend
Based on my Facebook alone, the world is about to experience a diamond shortage. Suddenly, the newly engaged friend only talks about her upcoming nuptials, which aren’t even for another two fucking years. She had to wait to book the most amazing videographer. Her Facebook is basically just albums of her ring, pictures of the lovely couple sitting on a blanket in a park with badly staged props, and all the themed parties they are having. Who the hell are you kidding? The albums are obnoxious. But, enjoy this friend while they last, because in a short time they become a “we.” As in, “we” can’t make it tonight, because “we” have a weekend project to tackle in the morning.
In A Steady Relationship Friend
I love to hate this bitch. I mean, how did you do it? You got a man to take you out to dinner, and then want to do it over and over again? There is no logic here. This friend makes it known that she is in a relationship at every opportunity. Their Facebook is plastered with things like, “Happy 2 Week Anniversary Babe <3” and tags of them at dinner with their significant other. But the worst is the name dropping. For the love of God, I get it. You are dating Tim. I don’t need to hear, “So, last night Tim and I got Froyo from FroyoLand because you know, Tim just loves Froyo even though I tell him he’s sweet already without all that sugar. Anyway, Tim couldn’t commit between sprinkles and granola, do you think Tim can’t handle commitment? Am I sprinkles and Tim wants granola? I mean, that’s a big difference, ya know?” No, I don’t know. And I want you to stop brining Tim up, like for good.
The Delusional Dater
First off, I admit that I have fallen into this category before, but it happens to every batshit crazy person from time to time. This friend truly believes that they are about to embark into a blossoming relationship, like your friend who’s in a relationship and constantly name dropping. Except this friend is far more pathetic. They are usually justifying why they can’t make it to a function like, “John is doing this little camping trip with his grandparents, isn’t that cute? I love how family oriented he is.” Bitch, he didn’t tell you this information. You stalked the living shit out of him. Plus, I already saw the pictures that he uploaded from the campfire on Instagram. This friend doesn’t talk to this guy during waking hours. She is a hook-up. Nothing more than a side-piece. So stop watching shitty movies like “Just Friends” and invest into a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
The Single Friend
No plans Friday night? You can always depend on this friend to want to go out. They are down for too many tequila shots and turning happy hour into last call. After all, isn’t that how one meets a man? At a bar? So the single friend spends as much time at the bar as possible. This friend is growing a little bitter, though. Who wouldn’t when being asked, “Are you dating anyone?” on the regular. “Aren’t there any nice boys in the office?” Yes mom, because 48-year-old, overweight, balding men are exactly my type. This friend is thinking about signing up for eHarmony, Match.com, or fucking FarmersOnly. They hate to admit it, but thirty is approaching quickly and the pressure is on for grandkids. Hang on to this friend, when all else fails they will show you how far you’ve come.