While you were busy basking in the security of a post-college job offer, the solar deities were taking a dump on approximately 42 of your future summer vacations. What resulted was a bucket list that resembled your mom’s weekend to-do list and a promise to your unemployed friends that you’d meet them at the shore on the weekend, even if it meant sacrificing a 48-hour slot of “nothing” time.
Alas, you look back at your summer camp photo album as “So Long Sweet Summer” by Dashboard Confessional plays on your iPod Nano and you think to yourself, “I wish it was 2004 again.” Kidding, the awkwardness was at an all-time high back then.
What I am saying is that it’s back to school season and you still didn’t get to the shore. However, there were still some things that are directly proportional to how awesome your summer was.
1. The songs on the radio weren’t terrible. Some may argue that the summer jam is dead, but have you even heard “Fireball” by Pitbull? It’s a banger and betches love it. Unfortunately, we’ll never jam to LFO on our regional, mainstream crap stations again (cue the air horns) but I know that when the temperature drops below 65 degrees and I hear “No Place I’d Rather Be,” I’ll be taken right back to every “Summer ’14” commute I ever had. Yeah, baby.
2. You didn’t puke more than twice at work since June. Gone are the days of functional drinking during your shift at the ice cream shop–but you’re thrilled to announce that the corporate toilets haven’t been christened with your vomit more than a couple times this summer, and once was because you were actually sick.
3. You’re kind of tan. By no means are you the Latina princess shade of brown that you could achieve between semesters at college, but you’re satisfied with the awkward remnants of last month’s neck tan you got when you passed out at your grandma’s retirement complex’s pool. And you’ll settle with the sports bra tan that you got when you attempted to go for a run and got lost. It’s a cool story, brah (pun absolutely intended).
4. There is still money in your checking account. Even if it’s only enough for this month’s phone bill and a Subway sandwich, you didn’t go on a Vegas bender like all your cousins did, and you didn’t splurge on eight pairs of high-waisted jorts that are basically the fugliest things ever. So, congratulations on being a fiscally responsible adult. Now go pull some cash from your savings because Michael Kors has a new fall line of bags.
5. You have three personal days left. You plan on taking them all at the same time, followed by a sick day. On your sick day, your head will be in the toilet, and, if you’re lucky, you’ll have vanilla sex with your boyfriend after he holds your hair back.
Excuse me while I change my away message to: “Hitting up Staples with Dad for a new Lisa Frank folder! Cell’s good!”