For those of you who didn’t know, I made quite the leap of faith a few weeks ago by agreeing to a spontaneous weekend trip to Europe with a guy I barely knew. Seven weeks and a whole lot of liquor later, I’ve officially done the impossible: I’ve gotten the fool to fall in love with me (what, like it’s hard?). We’re proof that you can become blissfully happy with someone you met on the dating apps and saying that out loud doesn’t make me want to throw up in my mouth at all…
Now, please spare me the “it’s too soooooon” … “Are you suuuuuuure” …and “wait, REEEEEALLY?” commentary because my psyche physically can’t take the overuse of vowels and syllables anymore. No, we haven’t had the “Will you stay with me if I go to the Looney Bin?” conversation yet (still too soon). I’m pretty sure his answer would be hard no.
But, of course, getting to know someone this quickly does have its downsides. I’ve become painfully aware some of his traits that may or may not (will) become relationship deal breakers once we exit the honeymoon phase in approximately 16 days. Here are a few:
1. The way he eats string cheese.
Like any fully functioning, pseudo health-conscious adult, I (of course) have string cheese in my fridge. But I was traumatized a few weeks ago when my once-attractive male friend proceeded to BITE into the string cheese like the caveman from the fucking Geico commercial. In two chunks, the skinny lard of cheese chemicals was gone and I’ve never been more turned off by something in my life.
2. He sleeps with a pillow between his knees.
Now, some people would say this isn’t weird. And they’re right. Sleeping with a pillow between your knees has been proven to help alleviate back pain. So one day I asked him if there was another reason he slept that way aside from the fact that it reminded him of the middle of the night pillow fights he used to have with his friendly uncle. He said it was because he hated the way it felt when his knees touched because they were too boney. Being the kind and loving girlfriend I am, I laughed right in his face and started a non-profit organization in his name to #MakeKneeFillersGreatAgain
3. He gets boners for automatic kitchen appliances.
You haven’t wanted to actually kill someone until you’ve met the annoying fuck that automates everything in their goddamn house. I’m not talking about Alexa (referred to as “Alexa, you whore” in his household), I’m talking about everything from toothbrushes to vacuum robots to salt and pepper shakers. I once got into a screaming match with his automatic trashcan for not opening while trying to throw out the egg yolk from an egg I only wanted the whites from. I’ve never been at a lower point in my life.
4. His favorite color is green.
Now I’m not talking sun-soaked pine tree in rural Maine type of green. I’m talking lime crayon, Borat bathing suit, MS Excel icon type of green. According to the White House, people whose favorite color is neon green committed all of the murders that took place in Chicago in 2016 — which effectively means I’m dating a psycho with murderous tendencies. So that’s cool. I mean, the kid used to have neon green street glow on his 1997 Honda Accord that he used to pretend was a Stingray Corvette to “impress the ladies.” If that doesn’t scream “CRAZY GUY LOOSE ON THE CTA,” I don’t know what does.
5. He once took a vacation to North Korea.
FUN!!!!! *runs* .