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44 Things That Go Through Your Mind When You Meet “Wife Material”

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As much as marriage is failing in the US of A, most guys are always on the lookout for their mate. I’m always on the lookout for “wife material.” I’ve got a stable job, a car that gets me from point A to point B, and I’m relatively mature. In short, I’m your run-of-the-mill available guy. Most guys can’t help but think about those magic moments when they come across a girl who they absolutely cannot stop thinking about. It’s crazy. It’s stupid. It’s love. Pure and simple.

Now that you’re done puking, let’s break down what’s running through your mind when you think you’ve met “The One” within two minutes of buying her a round of Fireball.

  1. She’s attractive. I bet her mom is hot. Man, if her mom is hot, this is perfect.
  2. She likes what I played on the jukebox. If we share the same taste in music, God knows what else we’ve got in common.
  3. I hope I’m not being too douchey. Maybe I shouldn’t have cracked that joke about feline AIDS–it’s the number one killer of domestic cats.
  4. She’s not too drunk, so she’s definitely not an alcoholic. It is before midnight, though.
  5. I wonder if she likes sports? She better like sports.
  6. She just requested “Let It Go” from the DJ. Kind of disappointing, but there’s still something about this chick.
  7. She’s going to the bathroom. Dammit. I blew it.
  8. Wait, but here come her friends. Okay, play it cool. Be yourself, dude.
  9. No. Don’t be yourself. Terrible idea.
  10. Let’s buy these broads some shots. Foster some goodwill here.
  11. These girls are okay except for that one chick in the back of the group. She’s been giving me “go fuck yourself” eyes ever since they walked up to me.
  12. Why is she talking to that guy? Dude looks like he sucks. Fuck that guy.
  13. Thank God. She’s back. I think she’s out of my league. She looks amazing in that blue dress. Great fodder for my speech at the rehearsal dinner–I would bring the house down with a line about the first time I saw her.
  14. Why, yes. I have met your friends. They love me, because I bought them shots. Bitches love shots.
  15. Okay. Run along now, friends. There is work to be done.
  16. Yes, your friends are “funny.” They just cost me $48 in Vegas bombs. Hilarious.
  17. Let’s get down to brass tacks and find out what she thinks of Dane Cook.
  18. Oh, shit. She loves Dane Cook.
  19. She failed test number one.
  20. I can live with it. We’re drunk.
  21. That’s a lazy eye. She’s got a damn drunk lazy eye. Her drunk face is not attractive.
  22. Wait, now she’s bringing me back in. She’s got a golden retriever named Hank. Highest marks to you.
  23. She’s singing Billy Joel. She can do no wrong.
  24. Should I ask her back to my place? It’s getting close to decision time, but dammit, her honor is at stake.
  25. I should go in for a kiss. Do it, you pussy.
  26. She’s giving me the eyes. Well, one eye. I can’t get over that lazy eye.
  27. Score. Some might say this is too much tongue, but I think it’s the perfect amount for 2 a.m.
  28. I’m going to give her my number.
  29. Jesus, she can barely use her phone. I’ll do it for her.
  30. I think this is going to happen. Gave her my number and she hasn’t left.
  31. I don’t think I’m too drunk, but I doubt she’s even coherent enough to notice.
  32. I think it’s time we got out of here. Maybe hit a diner? This truly is a modern love story.
  33. She’s waving down a cab. I guess the diner is out of the question.
  34. My place or yours?
  35. Fuck, I knew I should’ve cleaned up before I left.
  36. She doesn’t care. She wants to order pizza.
  37. She loves my couch. If only she knew I bought it for $200 on Craigslist and almost got murdered in the process.
  38. She’s coming in for the makeout. Yes.
  39. Oh no. She passed out. I’ll carry her into my bed and sleep on the couch. Chivalry is not dead.
  40. I’m starving. I want to stay up until the pizza gets here…
  41. Where am I? So fucking cold.
  42. Shit. She’s gone. Is she the one who got away?
  43. Wait, I have a text: “Sorry I left!!! My friends thought I was dead.”
  44. She’s the one.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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