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4 Future Inventions That Will Ruin Us All

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Everyone’s always ranting about how great the future is going to be, which is fine. Killing off malaria, figuring out a cheaper way to desalinate ocean water, going to Mars, etc. It’s all pretty cool shit, so I get how people could mistakenly believe that the future is gonna be awesome. But I’m convinced that we’re going to invent ourselves into oblivion. There are a few inventions that most people seem to be pretty pysched about that I’m confident will be nothing but trouble.

1. Lab-grown organs

Look, I’m not gonna act like I’m judicious with what I put in my body. Alcohol, cigarettes, Beefy 5-Layer Burritos, it all goes into the same bad-life-choices-stew I’ve been brewing for the last several years. I do so with the full knowledge that I will have to either soon start being more responsible, or accept that I’m gonna die well before I’m old enough to collect on the zero Social Security money that will be left by the time I reach that age. But soon, that may not be an issue. Organs grown in labs are looking like a real possibility in the nearish future, which will eventually mean that no bad decision will have a consequence anymore. We’ve spent years saying that we need to develop a safe cigarette, when in reality, all we needed was the ability to swap out our shitty lungs like blackened, shriveled Lego blocks when we cash them out. If there aren’t any consequences to our health choices, where does it end?!

2. Hoverpads

The main thing preventing most lazy people from all buying Rascals to putter around in is that they’re not all-terrain vehicles. It can be tough to navigate around in a scooter with wheels, even in a society so focused on requiring equal access to all buildings. That goes out the window as soon as we can hover. Slap a couple of hoverpads on the bottom of a scooter, and we’re going full on Wall-E mode. It’ll be a slippery slope. First, the rest of the lazy and obese get them, then normal people start doing it just for longer walks, which they’ll justify by pointing out that they still exercise. Until they don’t exercise anymore and “lazy and obese” are just descriptions of our society, in general.

3. Automatic lie detectors

You might think that this is a good thing, but you’d also be really fucking wrong. Lying makes the world go round. Sure, it hurts people sometimes, but think about how many lies you tell on a regular basis. Most of them are relatively innocent, and just help you get through the day safely, and a good percentage do more good than harm. We lie for all sorts of altruistic reasons, protecting someone’s feelings, covering for friends, getting out of work. All of that is fucked if someone develops a thing for Google Glass that reads your retina dilation or some shit, and immediately detects if you’re bullshitting. So you can kiss goodbye to everything you love about your life. That made up story about accidentally hitting a bird off the tee that you told to have a “golfing story” bonding moment with your boss? Gone. Telling your lazy friend that she’s talented and deserves to do well? Gone. Basically any explanation for why you’re breaking up with someone other than, “I don’t find you attractive anymore”? Gone. Enjoy this new truth utopia.

4. Sex with machines

I know dozens of dudes that are gonna be all about this. I don’t know what the form will be exactly, whether it’s a virtual reality visor with a Fleshlight thing you strap to your dick, or sex robots, all I know is that it’s bad news. Sure, it would be nice to be able to “have sex” whenever you choose with no emotional entanglements whatsoever. But think about it, people. You’ve seen the movies, you know how this ends. Enslavement. First the machines jerk you off, then the next thing you know, you’re being herded into a human internment camp in your refractory period. The machines are smart like that, they’ll get you when you’re at your weakest. Or think about a malfunction. Say what you will about vaginas, but at least you know they’ll never rip your johnson off. To top it all off, what if the machine catches feelings, and you end up having this weirdly awkward relationship, because the device is trying to get you to go to Pottery Barn later, when all you really wanted it to do was play Netflix for you? That’s a futuristic fucking problem, man.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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