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33 Things That Only The Office Tall Guy Would Know About

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  1. You find yourself getting up multiple times a day to get something down from a shelf for someone.
  2. You find yourself wondering how all these short people got said item back on the shelf after you retrieved it.
  3. You’re constantly fielding questions about your athletic past.
  4. Yes, I played sports.
  5. No, I was not offered any scholarships.
  6. I would love to play for the company team if I wasn’t sure I’d keel over and die after two fast breaks.
  7. You’re asked, “Jeez, man. How tall are you?” several times a day for your first three months on the job.
  8. You got your own row in the company picture.
  9. The guy with the Napoleon complex is always trying to impose his will on you.
  10. You can see over your cubicle walls.
  11. Inversely, your boss knows whenever you’re in (or out, more importantly) of the office.
  12. People are always trying to estimate your height.
  13. Wearing any shoe with a lifted heel makes you look like an asshole.
  14. You always have to go with a dap or low-five instead of a high-five with a coworker.
  15. You find yourself trying to find a place to sit down whenever talking to your shorter boss.
  16. “Can you dunk, bro?”
  17. You have been reamed out for using the handicapped stall and no one believes that your legs are too long for a normal-sized stall.
  18. Do you know how hard it is to find 34-inch inseams for someone who weighs less than 300 pounds?
  19. What is this? A cubicle for ants?!
  20. I actually am telling the truth about my height on my driver’s license. Any higher and I’d legally be considered a giant.
  21. Call my hands “meat hooks” one more time. See what happens.
  22. Loathing the eventual happy hour and subsequent HR Q&A that will come with it when a coworker gets drunk and asks you how big your dick is.
  23. You hesitate pulling out your driver when golfing, because it’s taller than the dude you’re golfing with.
  24. You’re crouching in your employee badge picture and it looks like you’re taking a shit.
  25. You’d practice good posture, but that would make you a full four inches taller than the next tallest person in the office.
  26. You constantly struggle to meet someone’s eye level.
  27. People who come into the office are always trying to ballpark your height. “What are you? 6’5? 6’6?”
  28. You have developed elite shotgun-calling skills. If you sit in the backseat, you will die.
  29. You have lowered your chair so much that you can almost sit cross-legged on the floor of your office.
  30. There’s nothing better than calling the office short guy “big guy.”
  31. My knees are shot.
  32. My back is shot.
  33. Please stop asking me if I “ball.”

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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