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3 Steps To Becoming The Alpha Male In Your Office

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Step 1: Presentation

It doesn’t matter if you are in an office or cubicle–your domain needs to radiate power at a Fukushima-like rate. Golf clubs are a complete necessity, whether you golf or not. Frankly, it takes me three swings to hit the ball off the damn tee, but you can guarantee I have a set of clubs in an obnoxiously large cart bag behind my desk for display purposes only. You should also have a decanter filled with some decent scotch on a polished tray with four nice glasses. For your screen saver, go lion or go home. Personally, I went with the most intimidating image of the Wall Street Bull that I could find. When the pikers start walking, roll up your sleeves, pour a glass, and keep closing.

Secondly, find a good tailor. Custom suits typically look better, and you can have your tailor come into your office to take your measurements for all to see. Ensure this happens by loudly talking on the phone while the tailor (preferably an old British man) measures your inseam. And remember, cheap shoes look like shit, so stay away from them. I can go on, but will save you the time. Those are the absolute necessities.

Step 2: Understand the demographics of your environment.

The competition is split into two categories. Typically, there are some who are fixtures. They are generally older, have been there for years, and are close with the owners and CEOs. Leave them alone for now. You will gain their respect and develop a mutual understanding by stomping on the throats of your younger competition. As for them, whether they close or not is irrelevant. Treat the players the same way you treat the losers–you are too busy to know anything about them. Don’t remember their names, call them the wrong name, or better yet, call them “sport.” Mistake them for a new employee and randomly introduce yourself at times, then ask them to do you a huge favor and grab a coffee for you, because you would REALLY appreciate it.

Attractive Women: Don’t be an asshole, but don’t give them the time of day at first either. You need to prep them before closing. If you are dealing with one who knows she is a 10, make a dry or witty joke about one of her flaws–lack of pedicure, bad hair day, sloppy eyebrows, and so on. It may take her a second or two to figure out the joke, but once she has, laugh with her, not at her–it will still create an inferiority complex. Eventually you want to sleep with all of the attractive women in the office once, especially those who are in relationships, as it creates leverage. It doesn’t matter if they are in a position of power or not–it is always good to have leverage wherever you can. I would wait until after one of the office gatherings (Step 3) before starting to pick them off.

The Dead End Veterans: They are typically 40 years or older working in a position without any realistic expectation or opportunity for advancement. Befriend all of them, because you will need as many allies as possible. They are layups and clearly do not impose any sort of threat. They are pawns on the chessboard of life. It will be excruciatingly painful to sit there fueled up on coffee and adderall while a 90-year-old bookkeeper struggles to show you 100 cat pictures on her iPhone, but deal with it. The same rules apply for anyone in HR, because God knows you are going to need their leniency.

Owner Or Boss: This person already loves you because you are making him money. Slowly become closer and closer until the boss starts to look at you as an equal. Offer him a glass of scotch after most have filtered out of the office and create a friendship (genuine or not). These people of power are the only people you should regularly have lunch with.

Step 3: Office Gatherings

The following is best suited for a happy hour hosted by your boss at an outside location. First off, whatever you do, don’t show up on time. Chances are they will be there for quite a while, assuming alcohol is involved. Let them get a little sauced and bored with each other. Show up at least an hour late with not one, but two dates, who no one has ever seen or heard you talk about. (Can’t get two good looking girls? Hire them.) It is best that your dates are a little loose, as you should be yourself, while still being sober enough to complete sentences. Give it until things start wrapping up and cover the entire tab before your boss gets the chance. By this time, people are thinning out and you invite the younger crowd to join you at a club or lounge where they couldn’t typically get in. Let your dates fade away (especially if they are hourly) and take your pick of the litter. Rinse and repeat. Your new alpha status will be silently acknowledged by everyone the next time you walk in the office.

**Continuation of Step 2, Attractive Women: If you haven’t already hooked up with one in particular after an office gathering, randomly grant them ONE compliment while maintaining strong eye contact. Let them know exactly what is going to happen without having to say it. After all, you are running shit now. If done properly, you should get a drunk dial within the next few days. If not, they actually want you to work for it, and since you’re the new BMITOP (Big Man In The Office Park) you can’t be caught in such a vulnerable position. Cut bait and hightail it out of there.

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dewarsfordinner

20-something broker with an affinity for scotch and loose women.

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