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20 Things A Guy Thinks While Meeting A Girl’s Parents

Tug-of-war

Meeting the parents is a massive rite of passage in the dating world. I guess. I don’t know, I never thought it was that big of a deal, but stereotypes and cultural storytelling says otherwise, so I guess we’ll just go with it. Either way, it can certainly be a bit harrowing, and for every guy, there’s certainly an inner monologue going on in his head the whole time. Let’s give it a shot.

  1. Her mom looks good. That’s a positive sign.
  2. That handshake was a little too firm.
  3. Nice house. Hope she’s not expecting that anytime soon.
  4. Please swear so I can swear, please swear so I can swear.
  5. I hope her dad doesn’t think I’m dressed exactly like him on purpose.
  6. Do they know I’ve had sex with their daughter?
  7. If I ask to see his gun collection first, maybe that’ll take away the power of him asking me.
  8. Do I really have to be all fucking respectful like I’m still in high school? I’m a man.
  9. Nope. No I’m not. Yes sir, no sir, please and thank you, sir.
  10. Don’t grab my crotch when they’re not looking–that’s not funny!
  11. They have to know I’ve had sex with their daughter, they’re not morons.
  12. Her parents are dancing in the kitchen while making dinner. This is the most awkward thing ever. Oh, shit–she thinks it’s cute. I guess I think it’s cute.
  13. This is the driest chicken I’ve ever had. No wonder every one of her mom’s “original recipes” end up sucking–her mom’s a terrible fucking cook.
  14. Time to regurgitate interesting facts I memorized from The New Yorker this morning.
  15. Do her mom’s hugs always last this long, or is she…hitting on me?
  16. I really hope he doesn’t invite me golfing. I haven’t swung a club in months, and I’m not prepared to look that vulnerable in front of him.
  17. I really think they might be oblivious to the fact that I’ve had sex with their daughter.
  18. Is it just me, or am I nailing this?
  19. I wonder if I can talk her into distracting them while I steal their good booze.
  20. I wonder if they’ll let me swim in the pool after I break up with her.
  21. Stop talking to your mom and get in the car, damn it. We’re almost through it.
  22. Oh shit, he just gave me the worst glare ever as we left. He definitely knows I’ve had sex with his daughter.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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