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20 Questions I Ask Myself When I First Meet A Girl

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My brain works in overdrive at all times. It sounds like a good thing, but I assure you, it is not. So, if my gears are spinning out like crazy when I’m just on the couch watching Seinfeld reruns, you can imagine what it’s like when I’m actually meeting a girl for the first time. Whether she’s introduced by a friend, a first date I met online, or a girl I randomly decided to approach at the bar, my mind is asking itself a billion questions per minute. Here’s a sample of a few, just so you can get an idea of how ridiculous it can get sometimes.

  1. Was she actually giving me the eye, or do I have something on my shirt?
  2. If I make this joke, is she gonna get it?
  3. Is it too early to ask her to weigh in on Peter Gabriel vs. Phil Collins?
  4. Am I into girls with dimples? I can never remember.
  5. Is her checking out my package a green light to stare at her boobs?
  6. Should I tell her I’m not rich now, or wait for her to figure it out for herself once I take her home?
  7. Is she talking to me because she wants to, or just to get closer to my friend?
  8. Is this a dare? Am I on a hidden camera show? You have to sign releases for those anyway, right?
  9. Why did I wear this stupid fucking shirt?
  10. Is there any chance she won’t notice the cigarette smell if I sneak out for one?
  11. Should I actually test her sports knowledge, or just trust her that she’s a “big fan” of that team?
  12. How old are my condoms?
  13. Is owning a dishwasher something that impresses girls?
  14. Does she know that drink I bought her probably overdrafted my bank account?
  15. Are those “fuck me” eyes, or just plain old crazy eyes?
  16. Should I show her the picture of my puppy and risk that there’s a boob pic a mere two swipes to the right?
  17. Is it too early to tell the New Orleans story?
  18. Wait, where’s she going?
  19. Why do I even care?
  20. Is Taco Bell still open?

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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