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11 Places To Eat Drunk Food Before You Die

It’s 3 a.m. You’re in a strange city and you’re drunk, lost, and alone. Well, at least you feel that way. Your body is famished from another marathon night of drinking, but you’re craving more than a McChicken and a Snack Wrap. You crave sustenance and the company of other drunks.

These meccas of questionable cuisine provide “nourishment” to the certifiably hammered on a consistent basis, giving everyone involved exactly what he or she wants before hailing a cab and stumbling into bed for the night. The places below are some of the best in a selection of cities across the country where drunk food is as much a part of the culture as anything else. After all, what’s a night out without a 3,000 calorie nightcap?

Velvet Taco
Dallas, Texas

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Type Of Food: Gourmet tacos (read: tacos on steroids)
Description: Located right beside Henderson and 75, this is one of the first taco places of its kind to have opened and it’s only grown in popularity during the taco fad. It offers everything from paneer tacos to breakfast tacos. You don’t need a reservation, and it’s open until 4 a.m. on Fridays and Saturdays. The restaurant has made it its business to serve high quality tacos to drunks, and it’s easy to get to even when you’re not sure what your own name is.
Best Thing To Order: Elotes corn, and no one is going to contest that. I’m pretty sure it’s been proposed marriage before.

The Grill
Athens, Ga.

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Type Of Food: Burgers, shakes, fries, mashed potatoes, salads, sandwiches, hot dogs, fish and chips, pie, ice cream
Description: This is possibly the best drunk food destination in America, as proven by the line outside the door every Friday and Saturday night. Drunk partiers who don’t want to go to the hot dog stands constantly line up to sit in a booth in the ’50s diner style setting of The Grill. It is an Athens tradition, and for good reason. It’s also right by the bars and open 24 hours.
Best Thing To Order: Any of the burgers, a milkshake, and mashed potatoes with gravy.

Jack Brown’s Beer & Burger Joint
Harrisonburg, Va.

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Type Of Food: Burgers with a ton of variety in terms of your options for toppings, plus a crazy beer selection.
Description: It’s an amazing burger joint. That’s all you need to know.
Best Thing To Order: This is a tough call, but I’d say the Greg Brady Burger, which is a patty topped with homemade macaroni and cheese and BBQ potato chips. The restaurant really just has a bunch of ridiculously delicious burgers available.

Courtesy Diner
St. Louis, Mo.

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Type Of Food: Flat iron burgers, shakes, breakfast 24/7, country fried steak, your typical diner randomness.
Description: It’s your pretty standard diner with late hours and classic, American food. You can order breakfast, lunch, or dinner at pretty much all hours, which is great after a long night out. In case you’re feeling a postgame, it’s located right next door to the most hysterically ratchet, end of the night bar in St. Louis: Talayna’s.
Best Thing To Order: The Slinger, which is two eggs, hashbrowns, a hamburger, and chili on top of toast, or a classic double cheeseburger and fries (and maybe add some more chili).

Kerbey Lane
Austin, Texas

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Type Of Food: It has all kinds of food. Seriously, from soups and salads to quesadillas and tacos, this place has a little bit of everything.
Description: It’s an Austin classic that is always packed with hippies and college students. Open 24/7. The breakfast menu is available all day and you are never judged for wearing your swimsuit indoors.
Best Thing To Order: Order Kerby Queso and pumpkin pancakes as part of the same meal, because who cares?

Artichoke Pizza
East Village, Manhattan, N.Y.

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Type Of Food: Pizza and beer. No better combination exists.
Description: This is the place to go if you’re looking for a classy slice of pizza when you are very drunk one night in the Big Apple. The restaurant serves grape soda and beer, too. It’s definitely worth the wait in line, ask Leo–apparently it’s his drunk spot, too.
Best Thing To Order: Either artichoke pizza or the penne slice. This is a place that thrives on fusing America’s idea of Italian food with actual Italian food.

Crave Cafe & Grill
Astoria, Queens, N.Y.

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Type Of Food: Greek, American, Drunk
Description: The best thing about this place is probably the fact that it’s open until 4 a.m. on Thursdays and 5 a.m. on Fridays and Saturdays. They clearly know who they’re marketing to. They’ve got just about everything, from burgers, fries, onion rings, and chicken wings to spanakopita, saganaki (fried kefalo cheese), avgolemono soup, and other Greek things you cannot POSSIBLY pronounce when you’re drunk enough to order Crave.
Best Thing To Order: Get one of the Crave Bowls, hands down. When you’re drunk, what could you possibly want more than the Frankenchips Bowl (cocktail franks, fried onions, jalapenos, and cheddar cheese sauce on a bed of French fries and pita), the Queens Bowl (chicken tenders, cheddar, fries, and pita), or, of course, the Greek Bowl (lamb gyro or chicken, tomatoes, red onion, feta cheese and warm lemon dressing on top of–you guessed it–French fries and pita).

The Hot Dog Man
Indiana, Pa.

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Type Of Food: Late night drunk hot dogs.
Description: Basically, a middle aged dude brings a trailer with a grill in it, parks it in a parking lot right next to the college, sells delicious, grilled hot dogs, and gets tons of pictures with sexy, drunk, college girls. I’m not even sure if he makes money doing it. It’s like his Friday and Saturday night hobby.
Best Thing To Order: The hot dogs, obviously. The concept is pretty simple here.

PJs
Columbus, Ohio

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Type Of Food: Sandwiches
Description: It’s a sandwich shop that aims to offend and feed at the same time. It features The Fat Bitch sandwich and a bunch of other vulgar sandwiches that have the craziest stuff on them, along with fried macaroni and cheese balls, cheese sticks, and basically, whatever you want.
Best Thing To Order: Go big or go home. Find the craziest sounding, most appetizing thing and go hog wild. The Fat Bitch sounds great, though.

Ben’s Chili Bowl
Washington, D.C.

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Type Of Food: Chilli, hot dogs, fries–basically ballpark food.
Description: Established in the late ’50s, Ben’s has been a D.C. landmark since before my grandparents were married. It has served drunk D.C. residents and sober folks alike for the last 60 years. The food may give you hellish backlash the next day, but it’s divine when you eat it.
Best Thing To Order: The chili dogs. Seriously. It’s as if Jesus came down himself, made some chili, put it on a hot dog, and fed it to the drunk, hungry masses.

El Rancho
Columbia, Mo.

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Type Of Food: Mexican
Description: You’ll have to elbow some drunk Mizzou kids out of the way to get yourself to the front of the line, but it’s worth the wait. It’s greasy, cheesy goodness, right in the heart of downtown Columbia.
Best Thing To Order: Chicken Nachos. They will obliterate the drunchies and decimate your hangover.

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Jack Quesinberry

Recent graduate from the University of Maryland working in the biotech industry. I like to spend my weekends in DC ensuring my future political career will be one filled with a number of great scandals and equally great Sunday brunches. My alter ego is Whiskey Ginger.

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