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10 Things I Would Rather Watch Than Last Night’s Brutal “Game Of Thrones” Episode Again (SPOILERS)

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It was fun while it lasted. Season four of “Game of Thrones” has been awesome–they’re just offing bad guys left and right, the Arya/Hound storyline continues to fill the Walter White/Saul Goodman-sized hole in my heart, we got to watch the most hated character in television history die in front of his entire family, and we were introduced to the loveable antihero, Oberyn Martell, the Red Viper of Dorne. I thought for sure he was going to be the guy who brought down the Lannisters. Nope.

NOPE.

Your Sunday night was ruined by the haunting visual of the Mountain crushing Oberyn’s head with his bare hands and splattering his brain matter all over the arena floor as his smokin’ hot wife/girlfriend/mistress looked on in horror. This also means that Tyrion Lannister is screwed (although, I doubt it’s that simple) and is going to get beheaded for regicide because his champion’s head got popped like a watermelon on the business end of Gallagher’s mallet. I was praying that “You raped her, you murdered her. You killed her children” was going to be the new “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

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I’m still reeling from the visual and the all too familiar feeling that “Game of Thrones” continues to give me every spring and early summer. Oh, the horrible dashing of hopes with one swift swing of a sword or a few notes of “The Rains of Castamere.”

It got me thinking, though–what kind of payoff is this building toward? I don’t really even care after having to watch that. In fact, I’d rather watch these things before ever going through that again:

  1. An old man waiting for a friend who’s never going to come at a rainy bus stop.
  2. A lost dog wandering from stranger to stranger, looking for food.
  3. A naked wrestling match between current Jack Nicholson and Rob Reiner.
  4. Any Rob Schneider movie.
  5. An alternate ending to “The Shawshank Redemption” where Red actually kills himself instead of going to Zihuatanejo.
  6. A prison rules bar fight between Peter Dinklage, Jon Taffer, and Bill Murray, which I try to break up.
  7. “Hook,” directed by Michael Bay.
  8. George R.R. Martin stranglebating to anime porn.
  9. TBS original programming.
  10. Season nine of “The Office.”

The good news is that the season is only going to get better from here on out, and with the ninth episode of the season coming up, shit’s about to get crazy. What’s so special about the ninth episode in each “GoT” season? In the past three seasons, the ninth episode has included Ned Stark’s beheading, the Battle of Blackwater Bay, and “The Red Wedding.” Hold onto your butts.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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