You’re Not Living The Dream, These People Are Living The Dream

You're Not Living The Dream, These People Are Living The Dream

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a professional hockey player. By age 15, I realized that I was a 5’9” and not Canadian. When Sidney Crosby got drafted and I was the same age as him, my dream died. Since then, I’ve occupied my time with one thing: trying to find a job involving as little work as possible while making as much money as possible. I spend roughly 45 minutes to an hour daily thinking about this.

We all have a dream job that we long for. Some people get to live out their fantasies. They were born lucky, were at the right place at the right time, or knew people in high places that hooked them up. Ever answer “How are you?” with “Livin’ the dream?” I’m sure you have. These are the people who embody that sarcastic quip…

Jeff Knox

This guy lives every golfer’s dream. Whenever there’s an odd number of players making the cut at Augusta, they give a call to the bullpen and bring in the local legend. He is very accomplished on the course, holding the record of 61, beat some pros and won money off Rory McIlroy. My boy Jim Furyk once said of Knox, “(He’d) beat half the field who made the cut.” Hats off to you, Mr. Knox. You are the epitome of “living the dream.”

A.K. Verma

No one wants to work. Anyone that says they “love to work” is full of shit. This man did what we all want to do: he left his job and never came back. The only difference is, he kept getting checks. After 24 years, he finally was caught. Good for you, A.K. Verma.

Charlie Weis

Anyone that is a sports fan knows of the dumpster fire that surrounds Charlie Weis. He made his money as part of Bill Belichick’s coaching tree. I guess people thought that some of his genius would rub off on ol’ Charlie, but in reality, he was worse than a mediocre coach. Weis has been canned from Notre Dame, a college football blue blood, and perennial doormat Kansas – although Kansas did have some success with their own fat man, Mark Mangino. What makes Weis a candidate for living the dream? He gets paid $25 million to not coach as part of his buyout agreement. That’s a lot of Golden Corral.

Philip Pritchard

Since I can never be a professional hockey player, Philip Pritchard lives the dream that I yearn for. At age 27, he started working for the Hockey Hall of Fame. He is the curator, vice president and “keeper of the cup.” The man “ensures the integrity” of the cup, which anyone that knows hockey culture means “gets drunk, watches hockey and has a great time.” He guards Lord Stanley’s 35 pound, 121-year-old glorified beer bong. The man even knows how much beer and champagne it holds, and has more sky miles than he knows what to do with.

“The cup fits 14 bottles of beer.” When asked how much champagne it would hold, Pritchard quietly muttered the math under his breath, “Ahh …they are 26-ounce bottles so just under seven bottles.” The man is a living legend and someone to aspire to be.

Guy Fieri

This fat bastard gets to eat delicious food, look like the asshole from Smash Mouth, and have his own show. He owns several restaurants, where I imagine his money people handle everything, and he collects the paychecks. Unfortunately, you can’t have your cake and eat it too, as he will probably succumb to congestive heart failure before 60.

Jerry Seinfeld

After creating one of the funniest shows of all time, Seinfeld went out on top and chose not to continue doing the television thing. The show about nothing has generated over $3 BILLION DOLLARS in syndication. Jerry can spin on his thumb and live the life. He’s also one of the wealthiest entertainers. Must be nice.

My Girlfriend’s Aunt

The woman has a farm, can’t cook and does crazy redneck things. Her opus magnum is marrying men 20 years her senior and waiting 2-3 years before life does what it does to the elderly. The woman has never worked a day in her life and is currently on husband three. She is basically the redneck Anna Nicole Smith.

Scrooge McDuck

Blessed with business resolve and a shrewd personality, Scrooge McDuck owns all sorts of stuff and has a pool of gold, jewels and treasure. He makes his lazy nephews polish his money and goes on adventures to find more treasure. He doesn’t care about anything in life besides making money.

Image via Debby Wong /

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I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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