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Car Accident/Breaks Down
Usually you would call your parents and ask them for the number of a local body shop. Now you have your own auto insurance, and there’s no way you’re calling mom and dad to help you out. They’d probably just yell at you. Plus, this is your main form of transportation. You’ll have to carpool with a co-worker (hell) or take mass transit (seventh level of hell) until your car is ready. Shit sucks.
Someone You Know Is Having A Baby
This is not “Oops he didn’t use protection and now she’s pregnant” pregnant, this is “Me and my spouse planned this out, had a whole bunch of sex and we are bringing a child into this world” pregnant. People around you are growing up at a frightening rate. 18 months ago, you were holding their legs while they did a keg stand on a balcony at the Holiday Inn in Daytona Beach. Nine months from now they’re going to be responsible for a small baby’s life. Terrifying.
Someone You Know Just Bought A House
Your inner dialogue will read something like “EVERYONE SLOW DOWN” when you see the Facebook picture come across your newsfeed. This fucking guy isn’t more than six months out of college, and he’s already bought a freaking house. I guess down payments just grow on trees these days, huh? Meanwhile, you don’t even own a proper dinner table.
Everyone Is Getting Married
Every Monday morning your newsfeed is flooded with engagement ring pictures, and “I asked and she said yes!” status updates. It’s enough to ruin your week before it’s even started. Congratulatory texts are sent out, and your finger is almost numb due to liking so many freaking engagement pictures. Hey, these people want to pay for an open bar to celebrate something that’s got a better than 50% chance of falling apart and ruining their children’s lives, they can go right ahead.
Your Ex Is Getting Married
This is perhaps the most panic inducing event that a postgrad can go through. Things didn’t end so well, and you might still spend an average of an hour each week going through old pictures of you two. Now, they’ve found supposed happiness and any chance at rekindling an old flame is gone. You probably laugh at their fiancé, because you’ve already beat that up and they’re just picking up your sloppy seconds…at least that’s what you’ll tell yourself.
Your First Weeknight Blackout
Work got you down, so you hit the bottle. Then you woke up 10 minutes before you had to be at work, then you were a half hour late, then your boss yelled at you and now everyone you work with thinks you’re an alcoholic. Fewer things are more terrifying than accidentally, or purposefully, getting too drunk and having it affect your career. I mean, that’s like a real sign of alcoholism, isn’t it? When your drinking actually affects your relationships, family and/or career? Whoa. Maybe it’s time to take a few days off from the sauce and get your life back in working order. Or just keep it under six drinks at happy hour next time. Moderation. That’s the key.
Your First Blind Date
This is horrible. You got set up on a blind date by your aunt. Maybe you hit the jackpot and will meet your future spouse. That happens, right? Of course it does. Starting and maintaining a conversation will be a struggle, seeing as you know literally nothing about this person except that they like Diet Coke and wore a coat when it was 60 degrees out. Also, have you ever eaten in front of someone you just met? It’s really weird. Normally you’re eating lunch with co-workers, friends or by yourself (sad face). A piece of food will undoubtedly find its way between your teeth or onto your clothes. The “good night” portion of the date is appalling. Maybe you like your date. You go in for the kiss, they go in for the hug and the awkwardness that ensues will be enough to ruin your month. In college this was easy! But you’re not completely shitfaced in a cowboy costume, and neither is your date. Taking shots of vodka while watching a Pixar movie isn’t exactly the protocol here.
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TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
@TheChampsTour