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Thursday
4:00pm: Receive “Let’s go to back this weekend” text from friend.
4:01pm: Respond “FUCK. YES.”
4:02-5:00pm: Get zero work done and look at Facebook pictures from sophomore year.
5:30-9:00pm: Eat. Workout. Do grown up stuff.
10:00pm: You’re too excited to sleep.
Friday
2:00am: You finally fall asleep after your fifteenth viewing of fail compilation videos from 2009.
7:00am: Wake up. Regret watching 15 fail videos.
9:00am-5:00pm: Cruise control.
5:01pm: Hustle back home. Pack weekend bag. Call your ride.
5:02pm: Call friend still in college. Make reservations for two on couches.
5:15pm: Liquor store run. Buy super expensive bottle of tequila for no other reason besides to show off your $35k plus bennies salary.
5:30pm: Hit the road. Play Calvin Harris’s “Sweet Nothing” five times in the first hour to really set the tone.
6:45pm: Awkward silence after you and your friend realize how tired you are.
6:50-7:30pm: Should’ve stuck to just Red Bull on the drive over. You’re beer-tired and take a quick nap.
7:45pm: Arrive at friend’s house just off campus.
8:00pm: Begin drinking heavily.
8:45pm: Horrifying realization that you might not be able to keep up.
8:46pm: Eat. Eat something. For the love of God, eat.
9:15pm: Time to hit the bars.
9:20pm: Yell at the bouncer for not checking your ID.
9:25pm: Slam down the AmEx and order a round of beers and bombs for you and your group of friends.
9:30pm: Wonder how the fuck this bar can stay open when they charge 30 dollars total for six bombs and six beers.
9:45pm: Feelin’ it.
10:00pm: Get mauled by group of girls that haven’t seen you since homecoming.
10:05pm: Bombs and beers for the girls.
10:10pm: Laugh at bar tab again.
10:15pm-12:00am: Start fading away.
Saturday
12:15am: Time to hit the next bar.
12:20am: Try to keep it under control in the street and act like an adult.
12:21am: Scream like an animal and run down the street to the next bar.
12:30am: Friends are nowhere to be found. On the verge of blackout.
12:45am: Finally find friends at the bar. Realize you were totally that drunk idiot at the bar by himself.
1:00am: Last call. Round up crew for after bars.
1:15am: Beer run. Spend $200+ dollars on beer for after hours. Why?
1:30am: Play beer pong with a sophomore who abandons your side after realizing how old you are.
1:45-4:00am: Blacked out.
7:00am: Wake up with a head splitting headache.
7:00-9:00am: Attempt to fall back asleep. No use.
9:05am: McDonald’s breakfast.
10:00am-12:00pm: Drift in and out of sleep while watching SportsCenter.
12:01pm: Seriously debate going back home as your anxiety and depression begin to rise.
12:05pm: Start drinking again.
12:07pm: Realize this isn’t the beer you spent $200 on because that’s all gone. Regret.
12:15-2:00pm: Hangover is gone, buzz has kicked in again. Anxiety and depression wilt away with every sip of liquor.
2:05pm: Regret finishing school in four years.
2:08pm: Check bank account. Cease regretting finishing school in four years.
2:15pm: Time for food again. Try to keep it healthy. Get veggies on your Chipotle burrito.
3:00pm: Back to the bar. Keep it under control with some beers, a couple of bloody marys.
3:30pm: Nope.
3:45pm: Car bombs. Tequila. Red Bull & vodkas.
6:00pm: Time for more food. Nachos. RIP your diet.
7:00pm: Head back to buddy’s house. Get ready for the night.
7:15pm: Buddy’s house is out of hot water. Drink more.
7:45pm: Finally there’s hot water. Beer shower.
8:00-9:15pm: Pre-game. Be proud of yourself for making it this far. You’ve still got it.
9:30pm: Throw up over the balcony.
9:45pm: Get reinvigorated by your puke n’ rally.
10:00pm: Back to the bars.
10:15pm: Mauled by another group of girls you haven’t seen since homecoming.
10:45pm: See ex-hookup buddy across the bar. Shoot them a smile. They don’t return the favor.
10:46pm: Time to get drunker.
11:15pm: Scout the bar for anyone you know.
11:45pm: Sit at the bar for 30 minutes with buddy and take shots.
Sunday
12:30am: Get approached by ex-hookup buddy you saw earlier.
12:31-1:00am: Hazy conversation and perhaps a confession of love that leads to making out until closing time.
1:15am: Head back to buddy’s house with ex-hookup. Door is locked. No one home.
1:20-1:30am: Makeout in front of buddy’s house with ex-hookup.
1:31am: Attempt to break-in to house. No dice.
1:45am: Buddy finally shows up with large group of friends.
2-2:45am: Beer pong with ex-hookup buddy.
3:00am: Everyone goes to bed.
3:30am: Drunken sex with hookup buddy. Not as good as you remember it.
4:00am: Pass out.
7:00am: Wake up. Ex-hookup is gone. You’re kind of thankful you don’t have to go through with round two.
7:30am: Think about waking up friend and leaving, but you’re still completely shitfaced.
7:45-10:00am: Pretend to sleep. Sober up.
10:15am: Drag friend off couch, shower and hit the road.
10:31am: You miss McDonald’s breakfast by one minute. Settle for a McChicken and McDouble.
11:00am-12:30pm: Nap
12:31pm: Get woken up by your buddy nearly driving the car off the road because he’s so tired.
12:32pm: Offer to drive.
12:33-1:45pm: Drive home. Go through several bottles of water, yet miraculously never stop to pee.
2:00pm: Get back home.
2:30pm-10pm: Wallow in depression, yet bask in the glory that was your weekend back on campus.
10:00pm: You could easily pass out and get a great night’s sleep to re-charge the batteries for the week.
10:01pm: Start watching fail compilations.
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TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
@TheChampsTour