Thursday Afternoon: The Wheels Begin to Fly Off
You return from lunch and slowly begin to check out for the week. You’re going to send out a few emails, do some G chatting, and will eventually get conned into going out. It seems innocent enough. Maybe just a few beers after work with a couple friends, but it rarely ends this way. You’ll probably go straight to the bar after work without removing your business casual costume. Hey, that’s fine. You’ve put in a solid few days of work, so you think you’ve earned it. Things will change, however, when you make the switch. The switch usually occurs around 7:30PM. Up until that point you’re enjoying a somewhat reasonable price on draft beers, but eventually your self-destructive tendencies will tempt you. “Just order a whiskey you pussy” or maybe “Have some vodka prude”. This is the gateway drink. If you make the switch you will end up at another bar, probably with another group of friends, and you’ll find yourself constantly checking your phone and thinking “I can still get 5 hours of sleep.”
Friday Morning: You Have a Problem
You’re alive and surprisingly mobile. You aren’t struggling yet. You’ll probably look in the mirror and laugh at the sight of your red and swollen eyes. You make it in to work teetering on the edge of next day intoxication. That’s okay, you’ll just up your normal coffee intake a little bit and nobody will notice. After that first cup, there’s usually going to be about a 15 minute rush of endorphins followed by an Olympic style power walk to the bathroom. Don’t act like this doesn’t happen. It’s like clockwork and you know it. At some point you’re going to have to interact with coworkers and the entire time you’ll be wondering if they can tell that you’re in full blown Lohan mode struggling around the office. This will probably trigger a moderate amount of anxiety that you can channel into actually getting some work done. (This assumes that you consider responding to emails actual work) By the time you reach that third cup of coffee you’ll likely realize that it’s not doing shit. In fact, it’s pointless. It’s probably just making your kidneys hurt. People will notice that you’re consuming monumental amounts of shitty office coffee, and this will lead them to conclude one of two things: Either you’re really busy and trying to finish the week strong, or you got 4 hours of sleep and are trying to delay the onset of a category 3 hangover. Depending on your reputation, it’s probably the latter.
Friday Afternoon: Full Blown Cutler Mode
You’ve just returned from lunch and you’re wondering how you can appear functional for the next 4 hours. At this point you’re basically just a mindless drone that occasionally responds to stimuli. You may have made a gas station stop and picked up a Red Bull, probably sugar free, and you think you’ve finally hit a turning point in your day. You’ll likely be double fisting Red Bull and water in a desperate attempt to look like someone with an ounce of credibility. You keep telling yourself that it’s Friday and nobody else is doing anything either. You may glance across the office and notice some people talking about their fantasy team failures or something of that nature. Your next few hours will be spent figuring out what you’ll be doing that night and if you’re going to need a nap before you do anything. (The answer is yes)