7:00-8:00 AM: Drift in and out of sleep until finally waking up.
8:01 AM: Pray that you’ve put Tylenol and a glass of water next to your bed.
8:02 AM: You didn’t.
8:03 AM: Think about going to the kitchen to get said Tylenol and water.
8:15 AM: Finally get out of bed to get Tylenol and water.
8:20-10:30 AM: Get back in bed. Drift back in and out of sleep. Headache finally leaves. Liver feels like death, though.
10:31 AM: Receive “What the fuck happened last night?” mass text from friend that blacked out before midnight.
11:00 AM: Delete outgoing texts from last night. Finally roll out of bed.
11:15 AM: Eat last piece of pizza in box that’s been sitting out all night.
12:00 PM: Call friends. Recap night. Think about getting lunch. Whatever’s closest.
12:30-1:15 PM: Lunch. Burger and nachos, preferably.
1:30 PM: Finally respond to “What the fuck happened last night?” mass text from friend that blacked out before midnight.
1:45 PM: Check to see if there’s a good game on. Nope. Settle on some Seinfeld reruns.
2:00-4:00 PM: Seinfeld reruns.
4:07 PM: Shower.
4:15-4:30 PM: Catch up on personal email.
4:31-6:00 PM: Catch up on work email.
6:05-6:15 PM: Phone call with mom. Drop hints about how high your rent is and how expensive groceries are.
6:15-7:00 PM: Think about dinner. Take four trips to stare at the fridge.
7:05 PM: Sun begins to set. Crippling anxiety over the upcoming workweek takes hold of you.
7:15 PM: Make a grocery store run. Buy six frozen pizzas, sandwich meat and some Greek yogurt.
7:21 PM: Cutie in the bread aisle. Try to make small talk. Cutie walks away.
7:45 PM: Get back home. TV time.
8:00 PM: DVR’d episode of The Walking Dead.
9:00 PM: DVR’d episode of Girls.
9:30 PM: DVR’d episode of SNL.
9:55 PM: Turn off DVR’d episode of SNL.
10:00-11:00 PM: Check Twitter and Facebook.
11:01 PM: Start freaking out about work.
11:05 PM: Start freaking out about personal life.
11:12 PM: Continue freaking out about work.
11:20 PM: Check ex’s Facebook profile.
11:30 PM: Rub one out.
11:45 PM: Freak out about work some more.
11:55 PM: Finally close eyes and fall asleep from pure exhaustion from a weekend that was too short.