Your Social Media Feed Explained In News Headlines

Your Social Media Feed Explained In News Headlines

With social media seemingly taking over our daily lives, it’s really easy to get caught up in the hype and wonder of what people are projecting about themselves on their feeds, whether your opinions are good or bad. Everyone now feels the need to document and curate their boring daily tasks and habits as if we’ve all become walking museums of banality with a corporate, not-so-sponsored copywriting pitch.

You check your feed when you wake up, while you’re eating breakfast (if you still have time to do that shit), while your driving to work, while you’re at work, on your way home from work, while you’re pumping gas, all while tweeting about how excited you are that gas prices have dipped to new lows much like our economic situation, you peer at your screen when you get home, while you’re eating dinner, while you’re taking a piss/shit, and when you’re leisurely lounging around your overpriced shitbox of an apartment as you document the new curtains on your plastic wrapped window that you bought from Urban Outfitters on sales, and finally, you stare one more time into your window of vicarious announcements right before you go to bed just to wake up and do it all over again. It’s a perpetual cycle of FOMO but the things you initially fear about missing out on are just about as exciting as doing your taxes and realizing how fucked you’re getting by a faceless entity that controls and decides everything for you.

I do this too, just like you. Lately I have been taking steps to ghost anyone who posts stupid garbage or who brings nothing to the table in terms of relative excitement to my daily life. It has worked so far but it is extremely overwhelming to see the same posts over and over again about fucking nothing. Oh, cool, you like Starbucks, good for you, make sure you tag them in your photo in hopes that they see it and use it for an ad campaign all while not giving you any money or any credit for it. It’s like most of my friends are volunteer spokespersons for the brands they choose to associate with.

In order to combat this barrage of explosive diarrhea of the thumbs, I have decided to make a parody of some of the posts I see most commonly on my feeds in the forms of nightly news headlines. It’s pretty much the only form of rebellion I can get away with now without being subjected to interrogation from a guy in a suit who asks what I was doing between the times of 1988 and 2016.

“Top Story: In an array of photographic evidence, large swaths of Simpletons are eating semi-healthy lunches with a side of extra conceit.”

“Breaking News: A large group of mouth breathers on Twitter openly complain about having to go to work. A second report states that said people are also relieved that it’s Hump Day.”

“Breaking News: After many eye witness testimonials, it is confirmed that it is cold out here in New England for the second day in a row during winter. Extremely basic sources on Facebook are speculating more cold feeling air to be present in the coming months.”

“Area woman does not want to grow up.”

“An angry mob of Simple Jacks have expressed their dislike of the Presidential Candidates. Reports state that one man even tweeted his heartfelt yet uninformed opinion @HillaryClinton. More details to follow, stay tuned.”

“Apple will announce their newest product that looks, feels, and performs the same exact things as the previous one. Terrible sources have mentioned word of a built in reverse UV protected screen to prevent consumer blindness.”

“This just in: Someone has angrily ranted about gun violence and the need for more gun control all while consistently using the “gun” emoji when talking about things they do not feel like doing that given day.”

“A group of unenlightened, half-wits has started a hashtag campaign to fight for the causes of people half a world away who don’t have access to food or water never mind basic internet services. Stay tuned to see if the message got through to the victims of everything.”

“Area woman’s boyfriend has awoken to the stark reality that his GED will only get him a job at the local gas station. The lack of basic math and money handling practices have further demoted him to stocking shelves on the overnight shift. Join as we mourn for his family’s tragic loss with this grainy, out of focus selfie photograph.”

“Local woman is unable to correlate deeply seeded childhood issues with making friends with the fact that she cannot be brought out in social settings with groups of people that involve alcohol.”

“Sources report that someone does not like their boss. More information is needed at this time due to the frequent outpour of the same exact story globally.”

“Poll results confirm that everyone has added avocados to their new healthy diets, non-FDA approved pills bought on the internet came in at a close second.”

“Student debt has been linked to increased suicide rates while simultaneously improving the flow of traffic during Rush Hour periods.”

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel support structures.”

“Area mom adjusts her anxiety medication after learning that the government has been spying on every dinner recipe she has shared with other area moms. Reports fear that such congregation could result in clandestine terrorist activities.”

“Join us in a moment of silence for every single person who has ever broken up with every single other person. A candle light ceremony has been scheduled at the local watering hole.”

“Breaking News: Area man has discovered that the vapid, uninspiring tribulations of his life have all but taken over. Re-enforcements have been called in by psychiatric doctors.”

“Top story: Steve got a raise at his job, a photo of his bonus check has been willfully presented. Join us in congratulating Steve for his accomplishments as he still cannot afford his rent and groceries.”

“Conflicting reports suggest that Melanie has projected so much inspiration and positivity throughout her daily posts while the people who have actually met her in person state that she is a miserable, back stabbing piece of shit.”

These are the type of things I see the majority of the time while thumbing through my social media feeds with a little twist from my mind in order to keep my sanity and laugh a little. After Edward Snowden revealed the purpose of the NSA program, can you imagine being one of the people who have to analyze and sift through this kind of data to find threats? To be honest, if I was one fo those people the only threat I’d find is the open window closest to my desk and myself. Thankfully, following the right people has dramatically changed the landscape of the type of things I see. I suggest following comedians and real journalists and forget about the kids you went to high school with or the ex-relations you’ve had while browning-out on the weekends. There is hope out there.

Image via Shutterstock

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Optimistic pessimist, Profoundly unimportant

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