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With social media seemingly taking over our daily lives, it’s really easy to get caught up in the hype and wonder of what people are projecting about themselves on their feeds, whether your opinions are good or bad. Everyone now feels the need to document and curate their boring daily tasks and habits as if we’ve all become walking museums of banality with a corporate, not-so-sponsored copywriting pitch.
You check your feed when you wake up, while you’re eating breakfast (if you still have time to do that shit), while your driving to work, while you’re at work, on your way home from work, while you’re pumping gas, all while tweeting about how excited you are that gas prices have dipped to new lows much like our economic situation, you peer at your screen when you get home, while you’re eating dinner, while you’re taking a piss/shit, and when you’re leisurely lounging around your overpriced shitbox of an apartment as you document the new curtains on your plastic wrapped window that you bought from Urban Outfitters on sales, and finally, you stare one more time into your window of vicarious announcements right before you go to bed just to wake up and do it all over again. It’s a perpetual cycle of FOMO but the things you initially fear about missing out on are just about as exciting as doing your taxes and realizing how fucked you’re getting by a faceless entity that controls and decides everything for you.
I do this too, just like you. Lately I have been taking steps to ghost anyone who posts stupid garbage or who brings nothing to the table in terms of relative excitement to my daily life. It has worked so far but it is extremely overwhelming to see the same posts over and over again about fucking nothing. Oh, cool, you like Starbucks, good for you, make sure you tag them in your photo in hopes that they see it and use it for an ad campaign all while not giving you any money or any credit for it. It’s like most of my friends are volunteer spokespersons for the brands they choose to associate with.
In order to combat this barrage of explosive diarrhea of the thumbs, I have decided to make a parody of some of the posts I see most commonly on my feeds in the forms of nightly news headlines. It’s pretty much the only form of rebellion I can get away with now without being subjected to interrogation from a guy in a suit who asks what I was doing between the times of 1988 and 2016.
These are the type of things I see the majority of the time while thumbing through my social media feeds with a little twist from my mind in order to keep my sanity and laugh a little. After Edward Snowden revealed the purpose of the NSA program, can you imagine being one of the people who have to analyze and sift through this kind of data to find threats? To be honest, if I was one fo those people the only threat I’d find is the open window closest to my desk and myself. Thankfully, following the right people has dramatically changed the landscape of the type of things I see. I suggest following comedians and real journalists and forget about the kids you went to high school with or the ex-relations you’ve had while browning-out on the weekends. There is hope out there. .
Image via Shutterstock