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You wake up on a Monday morning. For the second time. Because the first time you woke up on Monday, you were in a cold sweat and it was three A.M. You lethargically sit in bed thinking, “I need to fall asleep or else I’m going to be tired all day.”
But when 6:30 A.M. finally hits, and you press snooze four times, there’s one thought that goes through your head – I need coffee.
When you hate your job, the weekends become about you. It’s a “bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot” situation that leaves you reeling at your desk come Monday morning when every trip to the Keurig feels like you’re climbing Mount Everest. The bad news? After one cup, those cups of coffee aren’t doing shit for your energy level.
Per The Food Network, The American Academy of Sleep did a study that revealed that “after you sustain three nights of the less-than-optimal amount of five hours of sleep, caffeine has almost no benefit at all, improving neither your alertness or performance.”
Fucked up, right? Even though I always said to myself, “All the coffee in the world wouldn’t save me from this Monday,” I didn’t actually mean it. Now all that creamer and milk is just lost calories adding to the shit I shoved into my body all weekend when I was proclaiming, “Calories don’t count at brunch!” like a total douchebag.
Looks like you’re going to have to score some adderall from that sketchy intern who sits in the corner and clearly buys it from his fraternity brother. .
[via The Food Network]
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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The first paragraph just gave me preemptive scaries
Don’t you ruin coffee for me.
But what about Tuesday coffee when I still feel like shit?
You just have to wait for Wednesday when you finally feel normal again and text your buddy, “What’re we getting into this weekend?”
I’ve been going off of less than optimal sleep for like 10 years straight now and coffee is now like brown flavored water to me. We need to push meth into the main stream and see the benefits. The world is already a soulless insane asylum filled with feces and misinformation so what else do we have to lose?
Love the office reference in paragraph three.
Take a lap, Will.
This is BS. I can confirm that the Monday morning coffee is a must and helps my tired ass survive. Stupid studies are stupid.
Mountain Dew >>>> Coffee for straight caffeine