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First thing’s first: I want to apologize to everyone from Austin who may have clicked on this. This is going to be helpful for you if you ever get Uber and Lyft back in your awesome city.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin.
Uber and Lyft have changed our lives. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. The summer after I graduated college I was still living at my home in the ‘burbs and I remember I had to be back home early on a Saturday morning for some family thing. I woke up in the bed of a brunette who lived in the city, some distance from my house. With a hangover like someone had placed a tuning fork in my skull, I walked to the curb and – instead of subjecting myself to a $2 train ride that would have seen me on a non-air-conditioned metal tube for an hour – I hailed a cab. $120 later and I was back home in time. If I’d only known about Uber…
I joined Lyft shortly thereafter, and have been pretty faithful to that brand, though I’m in Ubers all the time, albeit on the dime of my friends. I’ve been in and around Ubers and Lyfts a shit-ton since, mostly because I’m too bougie and have too much champagne taste to sit on the Green Line in Boston. I’ve noticed a lot of awful behavior on these rides that I’m sure you all have observed, too. One thing that separates me from you though, is that I often get free money for rides from Lyft all the time because I maintain a coveted 5.0 rating. I think it’s time that I share my secrets with the world. Here’s a guide on how to maintain a perfect rating on Uber and Lyft.
Don’t Be An Asshole
Duh. Proper etiquette should be a given. I shouldn’t have to be telling you this. Don’t make the driver wait for you. They give you a little map, so look at the fucking map and go outside when the car is pulling up. And while you’re waiting for the driver, put in you destination on the app unless you’re in the mood to direct them yourself.
I know sometimes these drivers are directionally challenged, or aren’t such great drivers, but don’t be a prick about it. Direct them if you know the way but don’t yell at them. Don’t be a schmuck to the driver. Use proper manners, you heathens. Don’t go changing the radio or air conditioner or whatever without asking. Don’t try to fit more people in the car than there are seats without asking first and don’t assume the driver is cool with it. If you ask nicely they’ll probably let you squeeze another in. And don’t leave trash behind either, you filthy miscreants.
Use Your Manners
I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but say please and thank you. Just be polite. Being a dickhead is how you end up with a 2 star rating.
Leave A Tip
On Lyft, at least, you can leave a tip. I always leave a few bucks. They tend to like that.
Don’t Throw Up In The Car
If you’re wasted and you start feeling like you’re going to vomit, have the driver pull over so you can open the door and throw up. It’s better than doing it in their car! My buddy’s brother once took an Uber and had to have it stop four times to throw up. But at least he had the guy stop.
Sit In The Front Seat And Talk With The Driver
This one is my dirty little secret. I’ll usually only do this if I’m alone, but if it’s just me and the driver, there’s a good chance that I’ll come ride shotgun and just shoot the shit with the driver.
It’s a great way to boost your rating, because it personalizes you and then they feel bad not giving you a 5 star rating. Just ask them about their day, where they’re from, yada yada yada. It’s also a great way to warm up your small talking skills if you’re going to a party or bar or something where you won’t know many people.
If any of this was news to you I’d be flabbergasted. But you wouldn’t be surprised how rude we can be to these drivers, especially when we’re drunk and in a group. It’s crazy to me how entitled we can come across sometimes, and it doesn’t manifest itself more often than when we interact with Uber drivers.
I’m far from perfect. Very far. But one place where I’ll always maintain perfection is my Lyft rating. Won’t you join me at the top?.
Image via d8nn / Shutterstock.com
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
If Uber leaves Chicago, we riot.
My usual routine is:
1. Get too drunk and leave the bar solo without telling anyone.
2. Get in the front seat of the uber and immediately apologize for being a drunk POS.
3. Fall asleep.
Hasn’t failed me yet.
Also sitting in the back seat, holding a gun to the back of his neck and whispering a different destination from the one you originally typed in the app is a solid power move. Tell him you work for the CIA and this is a time sensitive issue, also tell him that if he doesn’t rate you 5 stars for this mission, you will hunt him down, tape his eye lips open and contract the Mexican cartel to dissolve his family in vats of acid.
Sitting at 4.8 and desperately wishing I could take back the one(?) presumably blackout ride I took that knocked me down. One of my life’s greatest regrets.
I must be a terrible human being because the last thing I want to do in an uber is talk to the driver much less sit in the front with them. Just get me to my location, I’ll tip big if you don’t bug me with small talk.
my uber rating is so close to that magical 5.0 but I just cant make it all the way