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Fall TV is the best TV, there’s really no disputing it. It’s also a great excuse to become a hermit until the winter TV hiatus:
You: “Want to hang out on Monday night?”
Me: “Can’t, my mom is getting a pedicure (Real Housewives is on).”
You: “Okay, how about Wednesday night?”
Me: “Um no, my little sister has a weird mole on her arm (I’m watching Empire like the rest of america, you communist!).”
Obviously, you’re going to ditch your friends before you ditch your TV shows because your favorite TV characters have drama that you actually care about. Unless you have friends who watch the same shows as you; then you can kill two birds with one stone! Because what’s better than watching TV? Watching tv with your friends (and also with alcohol)!!!
Ladies, (sorry, guys, i’ll write a post about manscaping and lasagna for you another time) get ready to devote your time and energy into hosting a killer fall tv viewing party. These parties don’t need to be elaborate, but when you work full-time they may be all you live for Monday-Thursday. If you’re not willing to go all out every week, I suggest saving the turn up mid-season finales.
Here’s a guide to a work-week’s-worth of fall TV viewing parties.
What’s On: The Real Housewives Of Orange County, Ladies Of London (Bravo)
What You’ll Need: 900 lemons. 10 bowls. Fireball whiskey. A kiddie pool. 8 gallons of Pinot Grigio.
What a time to be alive. And by alive, I obviously mean a Housewives-fanatic because god almighty this season has been amazing. Shannon Beador’s Season 10 tagline is the highlight of my Monday night and should be etched into the side of Mount Rushmore:
Set up your viewing party by placing ten, clear bowls around the room and filling each with nine lemons. Do nothing with the bowls of lemons. They are decorative, dammit.
Next, chill the Fireball. You might not be in the mood for Fireball on a Monday but that doesn’t matter, you will drink it as an ode to Shannon, Tamra, and Vicki’s insanely hysterical night (that ended up in the swimming pool) in Moorea.
Speaking of pools, in honor of Tamra’s newfound Christian faith (honestly, way to go Tams) and her baptism, fill your kiddie pool with chilled Pinot Grigio and drink from it every time one of the ladies insinuates that Brookes doesn’t have cancer.
Finish off the night watching Ladies Of London while wading in the wine pool.
What’s On: Scream Queens (fox)
What You’ll Need: a dress made of feathers, a chainsaw, a punch bowl + red (severely alcoholic) punch
Tuesdays are kind of a total bust. Bravo plays Below Deck and The People’s Couch in a back-to-back sequence of “this is the worst night on television.” Fox plays Grandfathered which I’m forced to watch because of my allegiance to John Stamos even though it’s as dry as toast. But then, they air Scream Queens — a f**ked up, over-the-top, pastel delight starring it girl, Emma Roberts. Ever since her turn as Madison Montgomery on AHS: Coven, it’s been clear that E.Rob is a total queen. Hell, She’s been a queen since she was Addie on Unfabulous sneaking into her house through the dog door. The show isn’t perfect, and while the plot-holes may be plentiful, the one-liners are tweetable and the people are beautiful. That’s all we really need out of this one, right?
First, put on your feather dress before setting up the party and take a few selfies in it. Next, set up the punch bowl next to the chainsaw but only use the chainsaw if one of your friends starts talking during the show. Don’t actually cut her but rev the engine a bit to show her you’re the hostess and you’re the boss. Drink from the punch bowl every time one of the characters screams and whenever Jamie Lee Curtis is being weird.
What’s On: Empire (Fox) ; American Horror Story: Hotel (FX)
What You’ll Need: a fur coat, lingerie, gold tableware, tequila.
Wednesday is a night full of national treasures: Empire’s Taraji P. Henson and American Horror Story: Hotel’s Lady Gaga. Only a killer viewing party will do these leading ladies justice, so you better be ready to slay!!
Require that all of your friends show up in floor-length fur coats with just lingerie underneath. This is an obvious nod to Cookie Lyon and her iconic “this is an ass!” moment, but also I think it’s a subtle nod to Gaga’s sexy vampire thing she’s got going on over at Hotel Cortez.
Next, dress your table with gold tableware. If you can get real gold, that’s probably best — and the more of it the better. Serve tequila because Pitbull (Mr. Worldwide) was in a recent episode of Empire and the hotel in AHS seemingly has some latin roots as well.
Take a shot of tequila every time Cookie says “biiitch” or Lucious laughs maniacally. Then, pour a shot of tequila in your eyes every time one of those creepy American Horror Story children eat someone’s rotting corpse because I think it might be best to just go blind then subject yourself to such horror???
What’s On: Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, How To Get Away With Murder (ABC)
What You’ll Need: 4 lbs of popcorn, 6-10 bottles of red wine, 3 boxes of tissues, on-call therapist.
Our lord and savior, Shonda Rhimes, brings us the best night of television every Thursday with this all-star line up: Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, and How To Get Away With Murder. and while I will never forgive Grey’s for the twisted-ass death of Derek (couldn’t he have died peacefully, you sociopaths??) We must move on. And by move on, I mean just skip ahead to Scandal and How To Get Away.
First, equip all of your guests with a personal bottle of red wine, a giant bowl of popcorn, and an ample amount of tissues so she is prepared to endure the twisted perfection that is about to come on screen.
For every monologue Cyrus delivers with elongated vowels and insane syntax (Ooooliiiivia, what aaaaare you DOING?!), drink from your bottle. Every time Mellie mentions her daddy’s hooch and speaks in a husky-growl, drink from your bottle. With every brooding, extended gaze Fitz stares at Olivia with, chug that adult grape juice like it’s going out of style! Depending on the status of the episode you may need to press pause and have a group session with the on-call therapist you’ve provided.
At this point, you should be drunk enough to watch How To Get Away With Murder without thinking about Paris from Gilmore Girls every time creepy Bonnie comes on screen.
End the night by assembling a cuddle puddle with your equally-as-wine-drunk friends and cry about how you all have to go to work tomorrow and you’d rather just be murdered than have to endure that reality. those wine hangovers will be brutal, but at least you’ll all be suffering together! .
Image via YouTube