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Hope springs eternal on Friday morning. Your worldview isn’t as bleak as it was on Monday or Tuesday when it seemed as though this week would never end. Here’s a timeline of an average ass Friday in the cubicle. Same thing happens every week. It’s a vicious cycle, one that we’re all too willing to participate in.
6:30 a.m. – You rise surprisingly easy from bed this morning. The two beers you drank while watching Big Mouth on the couch went down smoothly, and while two beers on a Monday or Tuesday night would leave you feeling shitty the next day, Friday is a different animal. You send an e-mail out to a few people that probably could have waited until you got to the office, but it’s nice to let people know you’re an early morning grind boy. You turn your coffee pot into the go position and get in the shower. The YETI is getting somewhere between 15 and 32 ounces of hard, black coffee this morning whether it likes it or not.
7:30 a.m. – Arrive at work with a bit of pep in your step. You don’t hear back from anyone about that e-mail you’ve sent, so you check to see if your office buddy is in yet. He’s not, so you head to the bathroom and drop the kids off at the pool. This is the only enjoyable trip to the iron throne of the entire day because it hasn’t been assaulted by the disgusting troglodytes of your office post-lunch. Everything is pristine from the cleaning crew last night, and you get a nice little bowel movement off in the handicapped stall.
8:30 a.m. – Back at your desk, e-mails finally start to come in from different departments. You put out a few fires because that’s just what you do. A Spotify playlist featuring deep cuts from James Taylor, Al Stewart, and Bruce Hornsby plays through your wireless headphones, and no one bothers you because they can see that you’re I.T.Z. (in the zone).
10:00 a.m. – Take a break from actual work to grab another cup of coffee. The 20-ish ounces of decent stuff you drank from home was good, but it hasn’t quite done the trick, so you head over to the break room and drink that bullshit that your company provides. It’s a Green Mountain or Dunkin’ K-cup, and you just want to get in and out of that kitchen before one of the people you loathe talking to pops their head in and asks if you’ve got any plans for the weekend.
10:03 a.m. – No such luck. The executive assistant named Katie or Denise or some shit fires up the small talk rocket launcher and gets you in her sight line. For five agonizing minutes you stand there with your cup of coffee that is getting colder and less drinkable with every “hahah, yeah, I really just want to lay low this weekend but we’ll see” and “Oh, your kids soccer game tomorrow morning sounds like a real hoot.”
10:15 a.m. – Your coffee is lukewarm but you drink it anyway. You put the headphones back on and in the middle of doing some real, actual work, you pop over to PGP on the old Chrome browser. You read some stuff, talk some mess in the comments section, and when you look up from your desk next it’s lunchtime.
12:00 p.m. – Jake and Tobin are talking lunch beers in your group chat. Your two best buds in the office. You say “Down.” emphatically and you guys leave the office a few minutes later with bar food and domestics on the mind.
1:00 p.m. – Man, that lunch hour goes a lot faster when you’re drinking beer. You have two and a half during this time span and get back to the office completely unmotivated.
1:15 p.m. – You’re pretty much checked out for the day, and you feel like you’ve done enough work this morning to completely send it for the rest of the afternoon.
3:00 p.m. – After countless trips to other peoples desks to talk and a few viral Youtube videos from back in the day, you begin to wonder if there’s any chance of sneaking out of here early. Obviously not right at this moment, but maybe around 4:15?
3:15 p.m. – Send out some feelers to see what’s up for the night. Disregard any e-mails coming in. Those are Monday’s problem.
3:30 p.m. – You get a fat glass of water from the break room. You down it right there, fill up the glass again and then go back to your desk.
3:45 p.m. – You go to the bathroom and just sit in a stall on your phone. You check out what’s poppin’ on Twitter and Instagram making sure that your phone is on silent. You’re so desperate to stay on the toilet in that you even check Facebook. Nothing of note is going on in that hellhole. One of your uncles shares an article about politics and you roll your eyes before you even read the headline.
4:00 p.m. – There is some stuff you could take care of. There’s always work to be done, of course. But you’re going to leave all of this for Monday. A few more songs on Spotify and you finally just decide the shut down the workstation for the day. Your boss is nowhere to be found, and those two beers you drank at lunch have given you a headache.
4:15 p.m. – You text your buddy whose at a happy hour and ask when he’s getting there. He says probably not until 6.
4:45 p.m. – You get home and fall asleep on the couch with your work clothes still on.
7:00 p.m. – You completely miss happy hour and wake up to a few text messages asking where you’re at. You change and head out the door to meet everyone for regular priced drinks, blissfully unaware of the fact that Monday morning is going to suck ass when you realize all of the work you’ve left yourself from this afternoon. Lather, rinse, repeat, every single Friday. .
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