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Excuse me as I work through something on paper. The below is an accidental mental bitch slap that I served to myself this morning. During the course of writing a column that I didn’t even know the theme of, I worked through some bullshit. I implore you to take the below ride through my brain, if only to find humor in my absolute psychosis.
Do you ever get a knot in your stomach thinking about all of the things you’re not doing but should be doing with your life? Do you think about growing up, even though most of us are already grown up, and have a deep seeded fear that you will not achieve what you know you can achieve? Even though you won’t admit it, do you think you should be doing more than you’re doing now? I do.
I fear, very frequently, that I am not the best version of myself and that I will spend my life failing to live up to my worth. I have a deep-seeded fear of not meeting my potential.
I know, I know. This is not a humble thing to say. In fact, it is probably pretty self-aggrandizing and presumptuous but I’m going to say it anyway because I really don’t believe I am unique in this.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to a close friend. She is 40 and successful in her own right. She lives a wonderful life in Los Angeles with a fulfilling career and I often look at her and think, “Wow, she made it.” Even though I know each definition of “making it” is so unique to the person, I look at her and see a successful human.
My friend is a good friend, and that is evident in the hours she spends with me in bars listening to me grapple with this very issue — What if I don’t live up to my potential? What if I spend my life just being average?
I thought for a long time that I was unique in these fears. That all of my peers were either content in their slightly complacent lives, or that they were certain they would one day achieve their goals and fulfill their potential so they needn’t worry. I thought that I was fairly unique in recognizing my potential, but feeling paralyzed in the notion that I may never get to where I’m supposed to end up.
“Well, I think about that all the time. That’s just part of life,” she said so matter of factly. I couldn’t believe it.
“I wonder constantly if I should have gone into politics,” she continued, sipping her wine.
“But you’ve achieved so much! In life, in your career, you’re so happy where you are!”
My friend smiled at me, not in a patronizing way but in a knowing one. She understood my discomfort, my aching to understand what my future will be. She explained that she too has those thoughts, that so many people do, but that I should find some solace in knowing that the anxiety fades the more choices we make.
For me, at 23, the choices seem overwhelming. But I think as life goes on the scope narrows, the compilation of a lifetime of choices produce a clearer and more focused picture of what the future will hold. It just takes time to get there.
See, I realized I am not unique in this fear, the fear that I won’t become who I know I can become. This fear of untapped potential lives and breathes in a lot of us.
The pickle, however, is how do we respond to this fear? Recognizing potential in yourself is only an observation, not an action, and that potential will continue to sit in your belly, like stuffing the day after Thanksgiving dinner, until you act on it. All the potential in the world means nothing if not harnessed.
I finally realized this anxiety that I have is not that I won’t achieve what I know I can, but it is that I am too afraid or too lazy to try. Far scarier than failing to meet your potential is failing to try at all.
I do not feel embarrassed for recognizing my potential, I will shout from the hilltops that I have something to offer. In fact, I think if you feel this way, feel that you are not living up to who you should be, then own that. You’ve gotten this far, you’ve gotten to a place of acknowledging your worth, and that is courageous in it of itself. I am not ashamed of who I think I can become.
I am, however, deeply ashamed that upon realizing my potential I have been too scared to try to meet it. What steps have I actually taken to meet all of that stocked away talent, and ambition, and whatever else I use to pad my already ginormous ego? If I do not begin to take tangible steps to meet my potential, then I will forever be the person that waxes poetic about who I could have been, and I am sickened by a future of bitching and moaning.
That is the real knot in my stomach.
I better get off my ass and make some change, otherwise, I can shut up about my potential and sit back down. .
Respond
CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
@callmevictoria
@itwasvictoria
please go back to the dating articles I do not like how this made me feel on a Monday morning after sitting around on my ass for a week.
The greatest fear in life is the fear of inadequacy. Self-doubt is a part of life; how you deal with it is the only difference maker.
Agreed. Once you realize that even the most confident of individuals still have self doubt, they just handle it differently, you begin to become more confident.
On the other hand, some of us realized we already met our potential by becoming an average peon in a large company and are content watching those matching contributions stack up for the next 40 years
Name checks out
Victoria, I love your writing, and you’re absolutely brilliant at it, but no one can give me an extensional crisis like you can.
What steps have you taken to meet all that stocked away talent etc?
Become one of the most liked/read PGP writers in recent memory for starters.
I think a lot of people have these concerns. If you think about it, our generation probably has more opportunity to change and shape the world than any generation before us in human history, which is both a blessing and a curse. I think the biggest thing is (unless you’re a trust fund baby) is to spend your early 20s getting your career going and late 20s getting established in said career and making enough money to be financially comfortable. Then when you get to 30, you have both the ability to figure out what you want to do with your life (hopefully), and the wherewithal to do it.
Just don’t have kids before you’re ready because the moment you do, you stop living your life for yourself and start living it for someone else. This takes more selflessness than I can ever imagine.
My dad always says if you’re waiting for the right time to do something you’ll never get anything done
Love you CMV, but this is the last thing I should have read before I start my daily dose of applying to jobs. Currently fighting off an anxiety attack
But if you’re applying to jobs then you’re doing great!!
Very true. Thank you ❤️
If I see “deep seeded” on this website one more time, I swear.
My comment is being moderated so it hasn’t posted yet, but THANK YOU. It’s deep-seated. It’s not that hard.
It hurts even more because I’m actually loving the pieces that contain this phrase. haha.
I’ve had this pit in my stomach since graduating this past May. I have begun to keep a journal of thoughts and ideas of what I’d like to do and how to improve my day to day life. Seems a little cliche but so far it has really helped me get through my current work day while slowly narrowing down my true passions and how to pursue those career aspirations.
Maybe life is more of a continual process of becoming, rather than a march towards some abstraction of a barometer of success. It is more of a sense continual movement in one’s day to day decisions that better align the actual with the ideal self.